Godfather.

I’m trying to get it around my head, you’re not here anymore. I want to say all of it and none of it at the same time. I want you to know how much you meant to me and the impact you’ve had in my life but at the same time, I want to go into cave and not say anything about it to anybody. Because if I write about it, say it out loud, it is that much more real. It is real but still, it feels like it is not. What I want to do is to pick up my phone and call, maybe you would answer? Death is so final. There is nothing you could say or do. The presence of death is in everywhere, in every inhale and exhale it lingeries through your body.

Often, we talk about how we should say all the things to each other when the person is still here but do we always understand those things before the other is away? Our need to create a story and meaning to that story shapes how we see things at this moment, death is a plot twist that shapes our story in a way that our life will not be the same again. It pushes us to think our past with different way, it highlights our lives different way because the memories we have are there but it hits us like a wave, there will not be new memories with this person.

Photographing has been with me years. I got my first camera from my godfather. It is not so much the physical gift in this narrative that makes this moment so meaningful to me, it is everything else that is tied to ‘photographing’, it is my way to experience and present world differently. It gives me an outlet for my feelings and it includes others into my journey even though they would not be in that exact spot with me physically. It is a way for me to tell about my feelings of a place, my own feelings or just be there side by side with my written words. And you were there, contributing to something that grew to be something I keep turning to when I need a new perspective or when I need to find a way to paint the truth I created in a slightly different way. You contributed to my core.

Your support and way you treated me since I was a kid, not as a kid but as another human being shaped me. I never felt that you would have pampered me, you listened, contributed and took me as I am. It feels hard to accept that I will never have this kind of conversation with you anymore. It feels hard to even talk about you in the past tense. I don’t understand death, I don’t understand why. Death feels always sudden, it reminds that we are here only for a certain period of time. It reminds me that I should be open, present and loving, even though it seems hard almost impossible at times. Seek deep, learn and re-learn yourself, spread the love you have. Spread the love all over yourself and you will accidentally spread it to others at the same time, it is like confetti. You will find it still months after in the most surprising places. Remember, there are always many sides to the story, your own interpretation is not the only truth. You just might be contributing into someone’s life in the most magical way even though you or they wouldn’t see it in that exact moment. We all are just stardust wondering in this chaos called life.

Thank you, for being there for me. Thank you for saying yes to my parents when they asked you to be my godfather. I’m ever grateful to you for being part of my life.

And just because we should have gone to see the new Queen movie together and last time we talked I gave a monologue to you, why I love this song and video so much:

Pics are from: Copenhagen, Denmark, Bologna, Italy, Dublin, Ireland and Calabria, Italy.

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Corners of the Earth

…Why? I thought I was able to let go of this pattern of thinking. I don’t need to know, I’m trying to give myself the room I need. Remind myself of all the knowledge I’ve gathered but still I take the ‘pros & cons’ -list out of my pocket and I start to list of things just to alter it more to the ‘pro’ side because I don’t want to let go the thought of you. My mind is most of the time looking to the future. I want to see all the potential, all the potential there is in one. Can’t you see what I can see? My subjective reality calculates what you could be, not who you’ve been or what are you now, it sees one only full of possibilities. What this makes out of me? Naive? I paint pictures with such a big brush of potential that at times I forget the realities of the world and the fact that I’m not a fortuneteller.619635922But still, I want to know, who you are? Who you could be? I want to see, how you bloom and why? I’m riding with those undertones. Why you became the person you’re? Because what I see is something extraordinary. Is it only my mind playing tricks with me? I find everyone interesting by default and I’m curious about others but…if you can break into the field that surrounds me, the field that is built on experiences, freedom, and independence, you’ve made it to a land that is sacred to me. If I would stop for a moment for you, that is like I would give a piece of my core to share with you. It is more than the combination of the sacred. But it does bother me, will I ever find it comfortable to stay still long enough to give you a chance to build a home next to me?1830318737I keep guessing, I keep searching. How does it feel like to take a leap to the unknown with someone? I’m looking back, I know how to leave all you have built and take a leap into unknown. Oh, it feels like riding on a unicorn in a sky that is coloured by rainbows and at the same time it is painful as walking on a thin ice and drop into the deadly cold water. You wrap all the life you’ve had and say goodbye to the person you were. You re-learn yourself, it is an agonising but rewarding process. What are the possibilities when you mix two people into this soup? Potential, huge amount of potential but will our past always hunt us down like an arrow find its way in the hand of an archer to its prey and mix the soup with spices of our past disappointments, hurt, suspicious and fear?1104014931Pics are from Helsinki, Finland.

You had me at hello.

You know the feeling of being untouchable? Walking down the street like you have all of it covered. You feel alive, ready for anything but at the same time blessed and grateful for all the things you have in your life. Top of the world, enjoying the day and the night. Then all of a sudden, just when you think that this is it, nothing can shake this state of mind, Universe comes and well, uses those tricks it is known for. It comes with a force, first you kind of don’t even notice the moves, it is like watching someone who is extremely good at figure skating making the jumps just at the right time, effortlessly. You continue speak from the truth that you have at the moment. Using words like ‘I never’ or ‘I don’t think I understand what that means’ and then the Universe pulls the rug from under your feet.991151900Stunned, on the ground you wonder, how did this happened? How can someone stole my cool? My ‘cool as a cucumber’ -mental state stolen, just like that without hesitation nor any particular tricks. You keep on pondering, how did this happen? All of a sudden the domino effect inside of you start to create some kind of heat map of the feelings that you’ve noticed arousing. What on earth is this?! You start to see all the scientific research running through your eyes. Brain scans, which will basically tell that ‘being crazy’ and ‘have a crush’ stimulates the same parts of the brain… craziness indeed it is. First, you try to make it seem alright, stating that the glow is due to a new bronzer. You try to push it away.2003362832Simultaneously your head keeps spinning ‘I just can’t get you out of my head’. You know, that you’re sinking into the crush land and hard. And you know that the other one feels the same way. Both of you running away from it, like ‘is this it?!?’, I didn’t sign to this when I met you. Running in circles just to bump to each other, again, again and again. Then taking a turn and continuing running. Seems like a reasonable thing to do in your late 20s. It is like taking two super balls (this was a thing also somewhere else than in Finland, right?) give them a little push and drop it into a cube and watch how they randomly bounces from one angle to another and hit each other. Rational? Maybe not but this might as well be one of those ‘you just go with the feeling’ types of things.1745318902 At the same time you try to act like a rational person. Doing the math, putting all the cons and pros into the situation. All those calculations making it seems like the most irrational thing ever but still you feel drawn to it. You ask yourself, what it is that makes me feel this way? And the question just sinks in, you really don’t get a coherent answer back. Reviewing all of it back and forth but there is something you can’t really put in other way than, you had me at hello.

Pics are from Helsinki, Finland.

42

I’ve got a few questions relating ‘42’ and where it is coming from so I thought I would give you a bit more of me in the following post. I hope it clears ‘42’ a bit more and why I’ve chosen to approach writing and this channel the way I’ve done it. In any case, I’ve always wanted to be able to make people think, discuss and share their views of life, opinions and well just anything. I’m by nature curious. Writing for me is a way to put my thoughts together in a slower and more throughout way as I’m in real life conversations usually quick and vocal. Writing nurtures the other side of me. It is a way for me to express myself with time and thought. Therefore, my writing shares a quite a different side of me, something that is not evident in me at a first glance nor you might not even see it even if you know me. However, I don’t want this blog to be solely about me, it is one way for me to explore ‘42’ but just to give some insights about me (I feel super awkward when photographed, I can work selfies but when I need to pose for someone else, well see below):1392953211I cry when I feel that the burden of the world or society is too much for me to take. I lock myself inside of my house for a weekend when I feel that I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I open like a rose when I meet a person I feel comfortable with but at the same time I might just turn into an iceberg when I feel the opposite. I try to be the open-minded person and try to be aware of my prejudices but still, I fail at times and make assumptions that might not hold true in that specific situation. I want to have a career and be independent as fuck but at the same time I want to buy tickets to the Maldives with you and spend two weeks between sheets and ocean. I want to be able to do things alone but I still miss you by my side during the nights. I know how to be extra but still, I wish that for you I will be enough without icing on the cake. I try my best to be there for my friends and family, the gratefulness of having people around that takes you as who you are is huge but still, at the times, I fail to be a good person towards them.1336614645I get excited about things aka hyped up and when I do I’m unstoppable but I do have days when I wonder why on earth I’m even trying. I have a constant battle within me about ‘staying’ and ‘going’ and I can’t live without either one of them. I’m confident, honest and straight but at the same time, I’m insecure, shy and quiet. I wonder almost daily, why are we here? What is the reason we act in certain ways? Are we really so simple that we run around after our instincts? Whose illusion I’m living? With whose eyes I’m seeing myself? What am I doing here (literally)? Who is this person, why he/she is as they are? What should I eat today? What book I should pick up next? Should I really publish this text? How will I make my quota this month? Why he/she is not getting it? Why I’m not getting it? How I should approach certain topic to make my point clear? How can I actively listen, when I’m so horny I can’t even stay still? Did I say the right thing? How can I make myself understand the world better? What is the hidden agenda in this text/speech/conversation? Why I feel lost? What do I want from life? How to accept that you’re not able to grasp anything as a whole you only have a fraction of everything, even yourself? What ‘time’ means? What is wrong with me? Why I feel so insecure about my looks today? Why do I like this person? Why he/she is not seeing the potential in them I see? Am I stupid? How can I be more gentle towards myself? Where can I find a good cup of coffee? What is the meaning of life? 42.31778968942, is from Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, it is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. I find numbers fascinating, they really don’t tell anything before you choose to build a story around them and well, then my 42 looks quite different from yours, doesn’t it? Further, I also like the light-hearted joke in the ‘42’ as it is not telling anything, even though it is is a solid scientific answer. So, I can approach ‘42’ with a light heart, with a seriousness it needs but embrace the irony, complexity, and paradoxes it brings to me. I could call this blog ‘Meaning of life by miladyopri’ but it really sounds dull, it doesn’t resonate the same way as 42.

Any questions? Leave a comment I try to answer.

Pictures are from beloved Helsinki, Finland.

Resistance

Resonate with me, I’m trying to find the right tune. I’m falling back to that bottomless hole that sucks me in, I know. I know because nothing on my playlist doesn’t feel right, it is not in tune with me, my levels are somewhere else. Out of the reach, out of touch. I’m trying to grasp for an air because it feels like I’m suffocating. Where can I find air? Save me from myself.833087032I loop inside my head all the insecurities that I’ve created for myself. Shame giving its guidelines to the driver in the highway of not belonging. I take a deep breath, I know there is an exit coming. Anything else than this feeling, why I can’t pinpoint it? I would want to rip it out of me but it has lurked into every cell and corner of my body. It reminds me, irrationally, why there must be something completely utterly wrong with me. One exit passed by when the next one will come? As I drive by the land of not belonging, through the landscapes I know too well, roads which I remember by heart, I wonder where, when and how did I learn to be so violent towards myself?1990142753My heart skips a beat, I don’t want to accept it, violence. It would be easier to let the demons speak and just wait for the feeling pass away but that is like letting someone punch you in the face without saying anything. So, which one I would accept resistance or violence? Pondering, in whose benefit the self-hate is? Resistance, it feels like a right thing to do but I don’t know the road, it is unfamiliar, which is why it is so tempting to go back to the road I know by heart. Why is it so hard to let go of familiar? Nonetheless, it is good for us or not. But there is a shy wish within me that I would learn the roads of loving myself better than I do now, learn to know the person I’ve become. Hear myself better, hear myself out, do things for myself, learn to listen rather than feeding myself with assumptions and accusations that I’ve taken with me throughout the years.656443868

Pics are from Giethoorn, Utrecht and Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Virtual Reality

I could not do anything else than let it all go or was it only a brief idea to let it all go but I just ended up putting on virtual reality gadgets just to forget all of this. Nothing really matters as soon as I get rid of the emptiness that I carry, please give me anything that makes me ignore the questions and answers I’m supposed to have answers for or I think I should have answers for. You make me flow and I don’t even know you but I wish I could understand how you make my whole body bloom. How you make me get in lost in a moment where my past doesn’t mean anything and there is no future, yet. Nothing matters. What is the trick? I keep moving forward and ask myself, why? Soon as the reality kicks in I’m paralysed. One, none and thousand thoughts running in my mind and I try to catch the so-called voice within.

1585544370I fight against all of it and I tied the knot with my backpack a long time ago. It gives one that newlywed glow. Flying over the moon and back with the destined soulmate they write all the songs for. It seems that you’ve calculated the perfect trajectory to fly over life. Fly like an eagle, swim like a shark, do everything so effortlessly like it would be natural to you. You start to believe the illusion you’ve created for yourself until you’re caught without a guard. Who are you then? Do we just change the virtual reality glasses to another pair, tell everyone that we are now enlightened? That things we didn’t understand before are now clear. We develop, grow, move forward… or do we just stay in the same place and change those glasses to trick ourselves to think we are ‘developing’?697467482You’re pushed to change, you hear ‘only change is permanent’, it is like knowing oneself has become something you can consume. Meaning, that ‘being oneself’ is reduced to a concept that will give clear ROI numbers. However, at the same time, it reduces the way one is seen and packs all of it into tightly predetermined categories. I want to get rid off those chains I’ve created for myself and those once that lurked into my life by the idea of whom I’m supposed to be in this world. But I don’t want to rebel, I want to understand myself, not through commercialised images of ‘self-development’, out of context ‘empowering’ memes or books that will let you know that you’re or not special snowflake but by dropping myself into the ocean and seek deep. I seek an answer for; who am I? Not who I am through someone else’s virtual reality glasses.2053876094

Pictures are from Sant’elia and Scilla, Calabria, Italy.

Plug in Baby

It took me over like a wave. First, I didn’t realise why all of a sudden I was going through such an intense emotions. There is nothing particularly exciting about downloading Photoshop on a computer. Of course, I can’t lie, I was quite excited about this fact because it was one of those things I’ve been postponing for (insert all possible excuses here) too long. However, this wave of emotions was something I’ve long forgotten. Throughout feeling that flows inside of you and you think; why on earth I feel like crying? Not because you feel sad or hurt but because of the overall understanding of something sweet, something that once you were not able to quite grasp. A memory, which is not like a sharp blade anymore, it will not cut it how it used to be. Now, it is more gentle, it accepts and understands better. It is there, it is part of my story, it is something that happened to me, to us.

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I’m looking at it with the glasses of life, it is not black it is not white, it is the perfect combination of all those intense feelings but time has moulded it into this unbelievable extraordinary feeling I was reacting with my whole body and mind. Earlier that day my friends were showing pictures from Japan where they’ve just been. I stop them when I saw a picture of 4 LPs they have bought, apparently, all of them are from a Japanese band called Fox Capture Plan. I’ve never heard about them before but I thought maybe I should give them a shot and later that night I picked one of their albums randomly in Spotify and pressed play and started my mission for the night; download Lightroom and Photoshop.

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My kind of favourite album is something that works as a one piece, something that flows from one track to another. Therefore I rarely look at the tracks before I give an album a shot. Only on limited occasions if a specific song stands out, I go back to check the name of it and even more rarely I add it to a playlist. There was something special about a song that was on from a random Fox Capture Plan album. Melody was so familiar, it shook me like a blender, right into the memory land. What is this? Where I’ve heard this song before?? And I go check the song…realising it is a cover…it is a cover of a song I’ve not heard in years. A song that connects so tightly to a certain place and time in my life. You really can’t escape the distinct melody of this song. It might be a good rock song but when you add a spice of a memory to go with it, the meaning of the song cannot equal anymore only to its musical value. It equals to the memory, clearly even when the rock song transforms into a modern jazz cover leaving the electric guitar out which basically makes the original song. So, plug in baby, bring it on. I didn’t remember how you used to make me feel. How you clearly can still take me miles away.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the songs, here are the links to original Muse song and cover by Fox Capture Plan:

Pics are from Malmö, Sweden.

Meaning of Nothingness

It is somehow hard to put my mind anywhere, it feels like I would be here, now, but what does it mean? Absence of meaning makes it hard to make decisions. Sense of nothingness, overall idea that we would really have some say in our lives, but I feel powerless facing the faceless. It lurks in every aspect of my being, nothing really doesn’t matter. Matter itself, this ideal that there is meaning for us in here. If there is, I’ve lost it and it seems that I can’t find it. What gives us meaning?

830394448I typed the question into my browser and pressed search, waiting for an answer ’42’ to appear in my screen. It is just a number, piece of data, meaningless without understanding how it is created. Is it same with our lives, are we too anxious to look at KPIs that we set for ourselves? ‘Meaning of it all, exceeding the expectations!’ We focus so much on the outcomes that we forget, what it is that actually creates those numbers. What is worth of a spreadsheet of numbers if you don’t know how you collected and created the data in the spreadsheet? Is it really our purpose to have this run-race for everything, measuring what we are in the face of society in this competition conducted by something invisible. And most of the time we are blind to even notice that we are once again on that race horse. Or were we ever off it?

1100035931Blind to notice, but what is it then we are suppose to notice? I’m struggling a lot with the idea of ‘knowing what I want’ and I wonder…’where to get the answer, silly thought to think the answer knows where to go‘, what kind of picture I’m creating, how is all of this supposed to tied up to a story? My story, it seems that I don’t own it, I’m just moving along with time, without understanding or noticing the underlying active network, which is shaping my life.

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Pics are from Copenhagen from past few months.

Why so serious? It is 28 o’clock!

28 o’clock and as I’m getting back on track or more precise on that motorcycle that I’ve left in my garage a while a back. So, I’m going to change that scooter I’ve been driving steadily this year back to multitasking University and work combo. I’ve been relatively quiet about the fact that I’m starting studies soon again. I was accepted to Masters this spring and besides continuing rocking with AdWords I will start lectures again too. All these autumn colours and weather forecast anticipates also that birthday is knocking on my door. And I’m opening that door with a confusion and big smile on. Smile, well because what else (Caaaaaaaaake)? Confusion, well because that is what I am nowadays. Confusing but same time happy (most of the time). I went through pics from Bologna and I found this quote from Dali Experience:

‘What is important is to spread confusion not eliminate it.’

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This just kind of supported me to spread that confusion around me a bit more. Although I think Universe has also put its joker on a table or maybe I’m wrong with that and it might have been only 2 cents. Anyhow I’m looking forward end of this year with an excitement and curiosity. Additionally I’m trying to find a new tone for myself when it comes to writing. I think there is a bit of my spark missing from the texts and I’m looking for to find a way to bring it back into photos and/or writing. So, what to expect? Most likely me spreading same amount of confusion as before in my text with pictures of places I’ve been to (I’m in a process of getting new lens for my Nikon so that could shift a bit of my focus in photography).

Pictures are from Bologna, Paris and Copenhagen

Wild West

Hello, from the lonely writer’s island. I’m looking at that blank space on my computer screen, trying to find some words to describe anything. Lately I’ve end up with questions, numerous questions but I can’t come up with other content. I feel like there would be so much to say but at the same time there is none. Calm before storm? Am I just over it? I’m wondering. What if there is only certain amount of words one could use and my bank is empty. Mostly, it just feels like I’m stuck in the same old pattern, like I would be repeating myself again, again and again. How much one needs to push before change can happen? I have glimpse of a memory how it felt like, when you feel the need to write. Without thinking, without forced effort.

I miss it, I miss that feeling to just describe life. Maybe it is more than that, I miss feeling, touching, experiencing, being curious, laugh wholeheartedly. Stableness, I don’t understand it. It is unfamiliar to me and when I try to live in that world, first thing in my mind is just to take off like a storm. My comfort zone is in change, not because it would be easy but it keeps mind busy. But being stable in one place, I’m so afraid that I will miss something. We have only one life, what if I don’t have time to see it all? I end up with yes –syndrome, because every no, is a no in my eyes for a possible greatness. This is why I struggle to say no, even at moments my intuition is screaming no.

So, here I am sitting on my bed wishing to find that lost flow. In that life I wanted, what I wished for but I still struggle. I’m independent to a fault, because it is all I’ve ever known. So, how do you make zebra’s stripes vanish? How do you mild the fire for exploring? Or do you just put more fuel into the fire and let that passion for exploring flow stronger than ever before?

Pictures are from Christiania, Copenhagen.