I’m trying to get it around my head, you’re not here anymore. I want to say all of it and none of it at the same time. I want you to know how much you meant to me and the impact you’ve had in my life but at the same time, I want to go into cave and not say anything about it to anybody. Because if I write about it, say it out loud, it is that much more real. It is real but still, it feels like it is not. What I want to do is to pick up my phone and call, maybe you would answer? Death is so final. There is nothing you could say or do. The presence of death is in everywhere, in every inhale and exhale it lingeries through your body.
Often, we talk about how we should say all the things to each other when the person is still here but do we always understand those things before the other is away? Our need to create a story and meaning to that story shapes how we see things at this moment, death is a plot twist that shapes our story in a way that our life will not be the same again. It pushes us to think our past with different way, it highlights our lives different way because the memories we have are there but it hits us like a wave, there will not be new memories with this person.
Photographing has been with me years. I got my first camera from my godfather. It is not so much the physical gift in this narrative that makes this moment so meaningful to me, it is everything else that is tied to ‘photographing’, it is my way to experience and present world differently. It gives me an outlet for my feelings and it includes others into my journey even though they would not be in that exact spot with me physically. It is a way for me to tell about my feelings of a place, my own feelings or just be there side by side with my written words. And you were there, contributing to something that grew to be something I keep turning to when I need a new perspective or when I need to find a way to paint the truth I created in a slightly different way. You contributed to my core.
Your support and way you treated me since I was a kid, not as a kid but as another human being shaped me. I never felt that you would have pampered me, you listened, contributed and took me as I am. It feels hard to accept that I will never have this kind of conversation with you anymore. It feels hard to even talk about you in the past tense. I don’t understand death, I don’t understand why. Death feels always sudden, it reminds that we are here only for a certain period of time. It reminds me that I should be open, present and loving, even though it seems hard almost impossible at times. Seek deep, learn and re-learn yourself, spread the love you have. Spread the love all over yourself and you will accidentally spread it to others at the same time, it is like confetti. You will find it still months after in the most surprising places. Remember, there are always many sides to the story, your own interpretation is not the only truth. You just might be contributing into someone’s life in the most magical way even though you or they wouldn’t see it in that exact moment. We all are just stardust wondering in this chaos called life.
Thank you, for being there for me. Thank you for saying yes to my parents when they asked you to be my godfather. I’m ever grateful to you for being part of my life.
And just because we should have gone to see the new Queen movie together and last time we talked I gave a monologue to you, why I love this song and video so much:
Pics are from: Copenhagen, Denmark, Bologna, Italy, Dublin, Ireland and Calabria, Italy.