I’m wondering, how did I end up here? Just to notice that I miss home. Home, such a weird word for me, I thought I would never experience such a thing. I thought I would feel like an outsider everywhere for the rest of my life but suddenly, like a plot twist, I realised that I miss Helsinki. All of it grew stronger while I was visiting Finland during the winter holidays. Home, could it be that even though I’ve tried to find it in more than one corner in this world, it was right in front of my eyes. And I don’t want to twist it, I needed all the memories to come to the point in my life where I could say; MAYBE it is Helsinki where I should be. Maybe, because to be sure is like saying never, that kind of a commitment to one place is too much. I cannot say ‘I would never live anywhere else than…’ that would be self-denial. But at the moment, for this time and place, it feels right. And that is new too, that something feels right.
I left Finland a year ago because I missed adventure but what kind of an adventure I missed? I think I’ve got it twisted, I’ve always had my way to go, my trademark. Whenever, wherever I can go but what it means to stay? My way to build life has been in ‘go’ not in ‘stay’. Looking from a different perspective, it might seem that you need courage and fearlessness to live in different countries or study in different languages but to me, this is the norm, to me ‘stay’ means courage and fearlessness. I’ve never demand such a thing from myself, I feel that it would take away part of my freedom. And to feel free…freedom is something that I value highly. However, could it be that these two things can be present in my life at the same time? It’s like having my roots on the ground but my head up in the sky. Can ‘stay’ and ‘free’ be merged together or is this a classic example of trying to eat two cakes at the same time?
I’m willing to try and balance this out in Helsinki. It took me some time and unexpected happenings last year to end up applying for roles back in Finland. And I did put my name into a contract for a new job last week and made the decision to come home. How it is going to unfold from here, I don’t know, I wish though to find a piece of ‘stay’ in me without compromising my freedom. That is the recipe I’ve tried to create and it seems that with try and error I’ve started to find ingredients I need to create a life that smells, tastes and looks like me.