…Why? I thought I was able to let go of this pattern of thinking. I don’t need to know, I’m trying to give myself the room I need. Remind myself of all the knowledge I’ve gathered but still I take the ‘pros & cons’ -list out of my pocket and I start to list of things just to alter it more to the ‘pro’ side because I don’t want to let go the thought of you. My mind is most of the time looking to the future. I want to see all the potential, all the potential there is in one. Can’t you see what I can see? My subjective reality calculates what you could be, not who you’ve been or what are you now, it sees one only full of possibilities. What this makes out of me? Naive? I paint pictures with such a big brush of potential that at times I forget the realities of the world and the fact that I’m not a fortuneteller.But still, I want to know, who you are? Who you could be? I want to see, how you bloom and why? I’m riding with those undertones. Why you became the person you’re? Because what I see is something extraordinary. Is it only my mind playing tricks with me? I find everyone interesting by default and I’m curious about others but…if you can break into the field that surrounds me, the field that is built on experiences, freedom, and independence, you’ve made it to a land that is sacred to me. If I would stop for a moment for you, that is like I would give a piece of my core to share with you. It is more than the combination of the sacred. But it does bother me, will I ever find it comfortable to stay still long enough to give you a chance to build a home next to me?I keep guessing, I keep searching. How does it feel like to take a leap to the unknown with someone? I’m looking back, I know how to leave all you have built and take a leap into unknown. Oh, it feels like riding on a unicorn in a sky that is coloured by rainbows and at the same time it is painful as walking on a thin ice and drop into the deadly cold water. You wrap all the life you’ve had and say goodbye to the person you were. You re-learn yourself, it is an agonising but rewarding process. What are the possibilities when you mix two people into this soup? Potential, huge amount of potential but will our past always hunt us down like an arrow find its way in the hand of an archer to its prey and mix the soup with spices of our past disappointments, hurt, suspicious and fear?Pics are from Helsinki, Finland.
You know the feeling of being untouchable? Walking down the street like you have all of it covered. You feel alive, ready for anything but at the same time blessed and grateful for all the things you have in your life. Top of the world, enjoying the day and the night. Then all of a sudden, just when you think that this is it, nothing can shake this state of mind, Universe comes and well, uses those tricks it is known for. It comes with a force, first you kind of don’t even notice the moves, it is like watching someone who is extremely good at figure skating making the jumps just at the right time, effortlessly. You continue speak from the truth that you have at the moment. Using words like ‘I never’ or ‘I don’t think I understand what that means’ and then the Universe pulls the rug from under your feet.Stunned, on the ground you wonder, how did this happened? How can someone stole my cool? My ‘cool as a cucumber’ -mental state stolen, just like that without hesitation nor any particular tricks. You keep on pondering, how did this happen? All of a sudden the domino effect inside of you start to create some kind of heat map of the feelings that you’ve noticed arousing. What on earth is this?! You start to see all the scientific research running through your eyes. Brain scans, which will basically tell that ‘being crazy’ and ‘have a crush’ stimulates the same parts of the brain… craziness indeed it is. First, you try to make it seem alright, stating that the glow is due to a new bronzer. You try to push it away.Simultaneously your head keeps spinning ‘I just can’t get you out of my head’. You know, that you’re sinking into the crush land and hard. And you know that the other one feels the same way. Both of you running away from it, like ‘is this it?!?’, I didn’t sign to this when I met you. Running in circles just to bump to each other, again, again and again. Then taking a turn and continuing running. Seems like a reasonable thing to do in your late 20s. It is like taking two super balls (this was a thing also somewhere else than in Finland, right?) give them a little push and drop it into a cube and watch how they randomly bounces from one angle to another and hit each other. Rational? Maybe not but this might as well be one of those ‘you just go with the feeling’ types of things. At the same time you try to act like a rational person. Doing the math, putting all the cons and pros into the situation. All those calculations making it seems like the most irrational thing ever but still you feel drawn to it. You ask yourself, what it is that makes me feel this way? And the question just sinks in, you really don’t get a coherent answer back. Reviewing all of it back and forth but there is something you can’t really put in other way than, you had me at hello.
Pics are from Helsinki, Finland.
I’ve got a few questions relating ‘42’ and where it is coming from so I thought I would give you a bit more of me in the following post. I hope it clears ‘42’ a bit more and why I’ve chosen to approach writing and this channel the way I’ve done it. In any case, I’ve always wanted to be able to make people think, discuss and share their views of life, opinions and well just anything. I’m by nature curious. Writing for me is a way to put my thoughts together in a slower and more throughout way as I’m in real life conversations usually quick and vocal. Writing nurtures the other side of me. It is a way for me to express myself with time and thought. Therefore, my writing shares a quite a different side of me, something that is not evident in me at a first glance nor you might not even see it even if you know me. However, I don’t want this blog to be solely about me, it is one way for me to explore ‘42’ but just to give some insights about me (I feel super awkward when photographed, I can work selfies but when I need to pose for someone else, well see below):I cry when I feel that the burden of the world or society is too much for me to take. I lock myself inside of my house for a weekend when I feel that I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I open like a rose when I meet a person I feel comfortable with but at the same time I might just turn into an iceberg when I feel the opposite. I try to be the open-minded person and try to be aware of my prejudices but still, I fail at times and make assumptions that might not hold true in that specific situation. I want to have a career and be independent as fuck but at the same time I want to buy tickets to the Maldives with you and spend two weeks between sheets and ocean. I want to be able to do things alone but I still miss you by my side during the nights. I know how to be extra but still, I wish that for you I will be enough without icing on the cake. I try my best to be there for my friends and family, the gratefulness of having people around that takes you as who you are is huge but still, at the times, I fail to be a good person towards them.I get excited about things aka hyped up and when I do I’m unstoppable but I do have days when I wonder why on earth I’m even trying. I have a constant battle within me about ‘staying’ and ‘going’ and I can’t live without either one of them. I’m confident, honest and straight but at the same time, I’m insecure, shy and quiet. I wonder almost daily, why are we here? What is the reason we act in certain ways? Are we really so simple that we run around after our instincts? Whose illusion I’m living? With whose eyes I’m seeing myself? What am I doing here (literally)? Who is this person, why he/she is as they are? What should I eat today? What book I should pick up next? Should I really publish this text? How will I make my quota this month? Why he/she is not getting it? Why I’m not getting it? How I should approach certain topic to make my point clear? How can I actively listen, when I’m so horny I can’t even stay still? Did I say the right thing? How can I make myself understand the world better? What is the hidden agenda in this text/speech/conversation? Why I feel lost? What do I want from life? How to accept that you’re not able to grasp anything as a whole you only have a fraction of everything, even yourself? What ‘time’ means? What is wrong with me? Why I feel so insecure about my looks today? Why do I like this person? Why he/she is not seeing the potential in them I see? Am I stupid? How can I be more gentle towards myself? Where can I find a good cup of coffee? What is the meaning of life? 42.42, is from Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, it is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. I find numbers fascinating, they really don’t tell anything before you choose to build a story around them and well, then my 42 looks quite different from yours, doesn’t it? Further, I also like the light-hearted joke in the ‘42’ as it is not telling anything, even though it is is a solid scientific answer. So, I can approach ‘42’ with a light heart, with a seriousness it needs but embrace the irony, complexity, and paradoxes it brings to me. I could call this blog ‘Meaning of life by miladyopri’ but it really sounds dull, it doesn’t resonate the same way as 42.
Any questions? Leave a comment I try to answer.
Pictures are from beloved Helsinki, Finland.
Resonate with me, I’m trying to find the right tune. I’m falling back to that bottomless hole that sucks me in, I know. I know because nothing on my playlist doesn’t feel right, it is not in tune with me, my levels are somewhere else. Out of the reach, out of touch. I’m trying to grasp for an air because it feels like I’m suffocating. Where can I find air? Save me from myself.I loop inside my head all the insecurities that I’ve created for myself. Shame giving its guidelines to the driver in the highway of not belonging. I take a deep breath, I know there is an exit coming. Anything else than this feeling, why I can’t pinpoint it? I would want to rip it out of me but it has lurked into every cell and corner of my body. It reminds me, irrationally, why there must be something completely utterly wrong with me. One exit passed by when the next one will come? As I drive by the land of not belonging, through the landscapes I know too well, roads which I remember by heart, I wonder where, when and how did I learn to be so violent towards myself?My heart skips a beat, I don’t want to accept it, violence. It would be easier to let the demons speak and just wait for the feeling pass away but that is like letting someone punch you in the face without saying anything. So, which one I would accept resistance or violence? Pondering, in whose benefit the self-hate is? Resistance, it feels like a right thing to do but I don’t know the road, it is unfamiliar, which is why it is so tempting to go back to the road I know by heart. Why is it so hard to let go of familiar? Nonetheless, it is good for us or not. But there is a shy wish within me that I would learn the roads of loving myself better than I do now, learn to know the person I’ve become. Hear myself better, hear myself out, do things for myself, learn to listen rather than feeding myself with assumptions and accusations that I’ve taken with me throughout the years.
Pics are from Giethoorn, Utrecht and Amsterdam, Netherlands.
I could not do anything else than let it all go or was it only a brief idea to let it all go but I just ended up putting on virtual reality gadgets just to forget all of this. Nothing really matters as soon as I get rid of the emptiness that I carry, please give me anything that makes me ignore the questions and answers I’m supposed to have answers for or I think I should have answers for. You make me flow and I don’t even know you but I wish I could understand how you make my whole body bloom. How you make me get in lost in a moment where my past doesn’t mean anything and there is no future, yet. Nothing matters. What is the trick? I keep moving forward and ask myself, why? Soon as the reality kicks in I’m paralysed. One, none and thousand thoughts running in my mind and I try to catch the so-called voice within.
I fight against all of it and I tied the knot with my backpack a long time ago. It gives one that newlywed glow. Flying over the moon and back with the destined soulmate they write all the songs for. It seems that you’ve calculated the perfect trajectory to fly over life. Fly like an eagle, swim like a shark, do everything so effortlessly like it would be natural to you. You start to believe the illusion you’ve created for yourself until you’re caught without a guard. Who are you then? Do we just change the virtual reality glasses to another pair, tell everyone that we are now enlightened? That things we didn’t understand before are now clear. We develop, grow, move forward… or do we just stay in the same place and change those glasses to trick ourselves to think we are ‘developing’?You’re pushed to change, you hear ‘only change is permanent’, it is like knowing oneself has become something you can consume. Meaning, that ‘being oneself’ is reduced to a concept that will give clear ROI numbers. However, at the same time, it reduces the way one is seen and packs all of it into tightly predetermined categories. I want to get rid off those chains I’ve created for myself and those once that lurked into my life by the idea of whom I’m supposed to be in this world. But I don’t want to rebel, I want to understand myself, not through commercialised images of ‘self-development’, out of context ‘empowering’ memes or books that will let you know that you’re or not special snowflake but by dropping myself into the ocean and seek deep. I seek an answer for; who am I? Not who I am through someone else’s virtual reality glasses.
Pictures are from Sant’elia and Scilla, Calabria, Italy.
I’m wondering, how did I end up here? Just to notice that I miss home. Home, such a weird word for me, I thought I would never experience such a thing. I thought I would feel like an outsider everywhere for the rest of my life but suddenly, like a plot twist, I realised that I miss Helsinki. All of it grew stronger while I was visiting Finland during the winter holidays. Home, could it be that even though I’ve tried to find it in more than one corner in this world, it was right in front of my eyes. And I don’t want to twist it, I needed all the memories to come to the point in my life where I could say; MAYBE it is Helsinki where I should be. Maybe, because to be sure is like saying never, that kind of a commitment to one place is too much. I cannot say ‘I would never live anywhere else than…’ that would be self-denial. But at the moment, for this time and place, it feels right. And that is new too, that something feels right.
I left Finland a year ago because I missed adventure but what kind of an adventure I missed? I think I’ve got it twisted, I’ve always had my way to go, my trademark. Whenever, wherever I can go but what it means to stay? My way to build life has been in ‘go’ not in ‘stay’. Looking from a different perspective, it might seem that you need courage and fearlessness to live in different countries or study in different languages but to me, this is the norm, to me ‘stay’ means courage and fearlessness. I’ve never demand such a thing from myself, I feel that it would take away part of my freedom. And to feel free…freedom is something that I value highly. However, could it be that these two things can be present in my life at the same time? It’s like having my roots on the ground but my head up in the sky. Can ‘stay’ and ‘free’ be merged together or is this a classic example of trying to eat two cakes at the same time?
I’m willing to try and balance this out in Helsinki. It took me some time and unexpected happenings last year to end up applying for roles back in Finland. And I did put my name into a contract for a new job last week and made the decision to come home. How it is going to unfold from here, I don’t know, I wish though to find a piece of ‘stay’ in me without compromising my freedom. That is the recipe I’ve tried to create and it seems that with try and error I’ve started to find ingredients I need to create a life that smells, tastes and looks like me.
Copenhagen, you’re a stunning little city. You amaze me every day with your colourfulness and petite outlook. The lively yet relaxed atmosphere in cafes, restaurants and cocktail bars gives a bit of an edge to this place. You’re welcoming but you’re a lot like your Nordic cousin, more than you probably realise. It is extremely hard to crack your ice and it takes time and hard work, in a way you seem a bit weird but different way than strangeness in Helsinki. But still, your strangeness is endearing and it makes you who you are. I’m extremely proud that I have stories to tell from two Nordic systems and I’m honoured to have the opportunity to live my life in countries that share same value ground. But it is time to say goodbye at least for now, therefore I decided to blast rest of the post with pictures from last year. Just because you’re awesome, look at you, you little big thing! Look how much you’ve given to me, more than I can express with my words. You will always stay in my memories as a place of growth. And yes, you did introduce intuition back into my decision making.
And to feel free…
In spite of my last post, I decided to continue to talk a bit about the cafe culture here in Copenhagen. Today, I went to Mad & Kaffe. I’ve been postponing my visit for an almost a year because the place is in Vesterbro (just to Google a bit around now to notice that there is another location in Amagerbro…) which is in another side of the town from where I live. The visit was good, although I had to wait for a nice while outside because the place was jam-packed but luckily I got blanket to keep myself warm before getting a seat. Mad & Kaffe has a nice menu, you choose 3-7 different dishes for a brunch. Besides this you can order beverages, I had a coffee as per usual and 5 different dishes.
I see why it is one of ‘the places’ to get a brunch in Copenhagen. All the dishes are well thought out, they are not too big or small in terms of the size, spices and ingredients are complementary to each other (like I would know that much about food, but aye! at least I’m trying :D) and dishes are served on a wooden platter. I don’t know from where this trend started but it is part of the scene now and I don’t complain, I like it, a girl from the woods likes wood, what a surprise!
Back to the Mad&Kaffe, the atmosphere within the cafe is warm and welcoming. It could be described as hipster like but I think it goes beyond that, it is more of a good top 10 hit song. There is something for everyone without compromising the concept. Everything runs smoothly as a hit song is supposed to, you get different flavours but they are not too weird for you to understand but at the same time there is that little something that makes it stand out from the crowd. It is a place where you want to go to have a nice set of different tastes made out from good ingredients but if you’re looking for an experience that shakes you to the core, like a song you need to listen 10 times before you get even a grip to understand what is going on, Mad&Kaffe would not be the place.
However, Mad&Kaffe is definitely one of the best places I’ve visited in Copenhagen for a brunch, coffee was also exceptionally good for a place that is more known for their food. It was right there in quality with cafes solely based in terms of coffee. Should I try to get there again and possibly earlier than a year from now? Definitely.
It has been a while since my last post about coffee. I thought it would be a good idea to start this year with another post about the cafes in Copenhagen. You can find my earlier post about coffee from Copenhagen in here (and two previous once from Helsinki in here and here)! And as per usual, if there is a place I should definitely visit, let me know. I’m always hunting ‘a damn fine cup of coffee’.
I love small places with comfy atmosphere combined with a nice menu and good coffee. At the moment, I must say that one of the nicest experiences from Copenhagen in terms of service, atmosphere, and the food was in the Next Door Cafe. I love coziness, service that is welcoming but not too formal, this is exactly a place where you want to go to have that informal, unique kind of experience. You’re treated like a friend and what I loved about the staff was that they didn’t have a certain uniform or look, everyone was who they are and it just added a little spice into the mix. The place is like a good old rock song, it always gets you going, gives the boost you need and afterward you feel a bit younger. I had pancakes, juice, and coffee for a late breakfast. In terms of coffee, it was good a bit too hot for my taste (there is a high chance that steamed milk which is too hot will give a burn taste and diminish actual taste of the bean…) but in this case, it was nice cup of coffee, not perfect but hey, if the playlist includes classics like Video kill the radio star or The Passenger you can’t help but put that 4 star stamp on it.
I’ve visited in several cafes from The Coffee Collective in Copenhagen. My latest try was in Bernikow shop, it is a nice place with also a cocktail menu. If we get back to music, Nina Simone’s tunes were playing whole time I was visiting, therefore I can only give credit to having one of my favourite singers supplementing my morning coffee. The place itself is a mix of harbour themed paintings, with wood and green from the plants that are placed all over the shop. I’m trying to find the words to describe the place, it somehow reminded me of an old jazz restaurant, with a hint from botanical gardens and spiced up with a bit of modernity. One could call it sophisticated, but by no means it is stubborn. It is a place, where you have life, but not too much noise, you can sit and relax, drink your coffee and enjoy some jazz melodies at the same time. Coffee is one of the best in town and croissant was delicious.
Comparing these two cafes is like trying to compare Iggy Pop to Edith Piaf, both of them are great but in such a different way, that it comes more to personal preferences rather than actual differences in quality. If you’re looking for a place to have nice food in a relaxed, informal atmosphere you would choose Next Door Cafe, but if you’re looking for an excellent cup of coffee, you would go and get it from The Coffee Collective. Both of them are superb but on their own terms.
I was finding my way in London underground at the end of 2017 when someone in distance started to whistle a song. The melody of it was way too familiar but I or anyone from my group wasn’t able to remember the name of the song. It bothered me but I had so much to do back in the London town, so I let it be for a while until 1st of January 2018 to be specific. London has a special place in my memory land, I was 10 when I visited the town for the first time and since then I have created memories in the city with several different people. It has delivered for me so much, from my first musical experiences (Cats) to two memorable New Years and more than once it has served as a platform for experiences which has been far from ordinary, in good and in bad.
London represents to me a place, where everything is possible, it was the first stop back in 2010 when I started my internship in Birmingham, it was in my dreams as the next step in 2014 after finishing my exchange semester in Nottingham, but I ended up in Shenzhen and now, when the year of 2018 is still an open book it was more than natural to celebrate end of 2017 with group of friends I haven’t seen since our trip to Bali. But back into the song, we decided to see the fireworks on New Year’s Eve in Primrose Hill, this was actually a nice change. Back in the end of 2013, we were close to London Eye, this time we were far away from the center but the atmosphere in Primrose Hill was real and hopeful towards the new year with a hint of togetherness. And all of a sudden when the clock was 00.00 there was a group who started to sing a song…
…Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude, don’t be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder… (The Beatles – Hey Jude)
…the song we had heard in the underground few days ago. It was a perfect way to start the new year and as an icing on a cake, all this comes to back into my childhood when I used to put my mothers Beatles albums into stereos and jam into the tunes. So, Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. 2018 I’m ready for you!
Pics are naturally from London.