Resonate with me, I’m trying to find the right tune. I’m falling back to that bottomless hole that sucks me in, I know. I know because nothing on my playlist doesn’t feel right, it is not in tune with me, my levels are somewhere else. Out of the reach, out of touch. I’m trying to grasp for an air because it feels like I’m suffocating. Where can I find air? Save me from myself.I loop inside my head all the insecurities that I’ve created for myself. Shame giving its guidelines to the driver in the highway of not belonging. I take a deep breath, I know there is an exit coming. Anything else than this feeling, why I can’t pinpoint it? I would want to rip it out of me but it has lurked into every cell and corner of my body. It reminds me, irrationally, why there must be something completely utterly wrong with me. One exit passed by when the next one will come? As I drive by the land of not belonging, through the landscapes I know too well, roads which I remember by heart, I wonder where, when and how did I learn to be so violent towards myself?My heart skips a beat, I don’t want to accept it, violence. It would be easier to let the demons speak and just wait for the feeling pass away but that is like letting someone punch you in the face without saying anything. So, which one I would accept resistance or violence? Pondering, in whose benefit the self-hate is? Resistance, it feels like a right thing to do but I don’t know the road, it is unfamiliar, which is why it is so tempting to go back to the road I know by heart. Why is it so hard to let go of familiar? Nonetheless, it is good for us or not. But there is a shy wish within me that I would learn the roads of loving myself better than I do now, learn to know the person I’ve become. Hear myself better, hear myself out, do things for myself, learn to listen rather than feeding myself with assumptions and accusations that I’ve taken with me throughout the years.
Pics are from Giethoorn, Utrecht and Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Last weekend I was visiting Bologna, Italy and while enjoying the food (usually one would add weather too, but it was raining for four days 😀 like cats and dogs) and company of my beloved friend we ended up talking also a lot about fear.
There is a certain amount of not so nice words clouding around the word. It is also a powerful force over others, if you create and spread fear it will most likely grow. But how do we deal with it? What it is exactly we fear? Often it is said it is new or unfamiliar that gets into our guts. But is that true? Is it really the new we fear or old coming to an end? Nonetheless the situation, it is always hard to let go of old; good, neutral or bad. As life per usual there is no incident that would not mix all of these shades together. End result is always grey even though we would view world in that particular moment white or black. This is a plot twist we could easily forget when we are dealing with life. Although when one has seen that things can change but one can never be sure in that exact moment that things will ever be as they are; they could turn out to be anything. It is the instability of life that makes it same time so damn hard to cope with but at the same time such a blossoming experience, because everything could change in a heartbeat.
More years I’ve gotten under my belt, more complex world has changed to me but at the same time life has transferred simpler for myself. I’m not sure is this due to this life long journey into oneself. You try to find that balance inside and learn to showcase love above all towards yourself so that one day you will be able to fully demonstrate it towards everyone else. Same time you learn that there is no such thing as objectivity, all situations are related to subjectivity therefore it is hard to sometimes understand others behaviour because they are not in line with our reality, which of course is subject to our inner world and has nothing to do with objectivity (same time it gives an answer, not towards certain behaviour but answer that makes it easier to let go of not understanding).
It is like this text, it is my subjective idea of whatever the topic is in here and one who reads this will interpret that against their reality. My inner reality looks most likely a lot different than yours, so are we on a same page? Or even reading same book? We would not know because our journeys looks so different, our experiences has an effect on us and as much as we work with ourselves, as much as we try to be objective we might never reach level of pure objectivity (I don’t want to say never, it is too final, end, omega, dot too ultimate). But it does not mean we should not try to be objective or that we should always be objective. We should be aware of the effects that might alter our reality, so in certain moments we won’t repeat our lives like auto pilots.
It is a huge burden placed on others if we expect them to prove our own prejudices wrong, especially if we look every single detail on that new person with a glasses someone else in our past made for us. It will tell more about that person in our past rather than the new person we are getting to know. But more importantly it might make us see others in a wrong light, not because they would be anything like that person in our past but because of something in that moment reminds us from our prior life. In those situations, are we supposed to trust our instinct? Is our instinct right? Or is our instinct actually moving us further away from something we actual need because of fear?
Pics are from Bologna, Italy
First three pics are from coast of Arabia and last one is from Hietaniemi Square, Helsinki. There is a post coming up of Helsinki, but I just needed to get this post out of my chest first!
Funny how Universe works, you think you’re the same person until something triggers you back to times before and you notice that you’re in completely different chapter in your life. There I was, standing on my two feet steady on the ground and I just knew, I just knew first time in a long time that I had changed and for most of the parts better. It affects us, people I mean. Sometimes you wish you would just vanish parts of memories but in the end every emotion has a purpose. For me it was to seek myself from deep waters, because I completely lost myself in my early twenties. I had no clue who I was, I was so used to please that I felt like an elastic band always finding my way around or stretched to maximum without noticing how it made me feel. And it didn’t make me feel good at all. There I was same time following my dreams and I put so much pressure on myself because I had to feel ‘good’ ‘happy’ because this was what I wanted to do with my life, right?! But still I would find myself crying to sleep, feeling drained and somehow I could not figure out, why?
It was my growing pains to understand what it means to enjoy your time alone vs. being lonely. And I tasted the lonely part, for the first time in my life I didn’t know who to call or where to go when I needed support. I learned dark side of traveling and for me it was those moments where I had to solely rely on myself, when I just wanted to share that moment with someone else. It is tough to make it by yourself and I’ve always been that person who makes things looks easy. Only those who are really close to me see that vulnerable and highly sensitive part of me. It is not in my nature to do things alone, well not most of the time. I’ve always been that person who gets energy being with other people. But I learned to be alone, I learned that when I stop for a moment I’m able to find that reflection time I need. Time to listen myself, make decisions that I want to do. My passion for writing and reading became one of those things I would rely, one of those things that could make me sparkle even when at some points I felt that all the sparkle is gone inside of me.
Somehow it is that upcoming autumn and my birthday that makes me always wonder about my life. But before I looked back, now I feel like it is time to look forward and find that time for myself in this moment. I’m finally ready to turn that page, or I think it happened already but I didn’t noticed until it was right on my face. And boy, that feels good! There is still more than 100000 things I’m puzzled about, I still don’t know what or who I am, but I know myself a bit better. I know a little bit better how to listen to myself but I think that adventure into one self is a lifelong challenge and I’ve just getting started with exploring. So, here I am as someone I never thought I would become when I was little. I’m actually further than I ever imagined I would be. If I could go back 10 years, I would tell that 17 year old young woman to trust herself and her capabilities more and remind her that it is OK to feel confused, it is part of growing. And foremost, that it is not her job to take care of others feelings, most important lesson is to find that thin line where you take responsibility of your own feelings and actions. Because then you apology and forgive when you are supposed to (for yourself and others) and you know yourself, you love yourself enough to base your judgement and decisions on that love. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and as you choose to love your partner, family and friends you can choose to love yourself every morning.