Meaning of Nothingness

It is somehow hard to put my mind anywhere, it feels like I would be here, now, but what does it mean? Absence of meaning makes it hard to make decisions. Sense of nothingness, overall idea that we would really have some say in our lives, but I feel powerless facing the faceless. It lurks in every aspect of my being, nothing really doesn’t matter. Matter itself, this ideal that there is meaning for us in here. If there is, I’ve lost it and it seems that I can’t find it. What gives us meaning?

830394448I typed the question into my browser and pressed search, waiting for an answer ’42’ to appear in my screen. It is just a number, piece of data, meaningless without understanding how it is created. Is it same with our lives, are we too anxious to look at KPIs that we set for ourselves? ‘Meaning of it all, exceeding the expectations!’ We focus so much on the outcomes that we forget, what it is that actually creates those numbers. What is worth of a spreadsheet of numbers if you don’t know how you collected and created the data in the spreadsheet? Is it really our purpose to have this run-race for everything, measuring what we are in the face of society in this competition conducted by something invisible. And most of the time we are blind to even notice that we are once again on that race horse. Or were we ever off it?

1100035931Blind to notice, but what is it then we are suppose to notice? I’m struggling a lot with the idea of ‘knowing what I want’ and I wonder…’where to get the answer, silly thought to think the answer knows where to go‘, what kind of picture I’m creating, how is all of this supposed to tied up to a story? My story, it seems that I don’t own it, I’m just moving along with time, without understanding or noticing the underlying active network, which is shaping my life.

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Pics are from Copenhagen from past few months.

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Why so serious? It is 28 o’clock!

28 o’clock and as I’m getting back on track or more precise on that motorcycle that I’ve left in my garage a while a back. So, I’m going to change that scooter I’ve been driving steadily this year back to multitasking University and work combo. I’ve been relatively quiet about the fact that I’m starting studies soon again. I was accepted to Masters this spring and besides continuing rocking with AdWords I will start lectures again too. All these autumn colours and weather forecast anticipates also that birthday is knocking on my door. And I’m opening that door with a confusion and big smile on. Smile, well because what else (Caaaaaaaaake)? Confusion, well because that is what I am nowadays. Confusing but same time happy (most of the time). I went through pics from Bologna and I found this quote from Dali Experience:

‘What is important is to spread confusion not eliminate it.’

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This just kind of supported me to spread that confusion around me a bit more. Although I think Universe has also put its joker on a table or maybe I’m wrong with that and it might have been only 2 cents. Anyhow I’m looking forward end of this year with an excitement and curiosity. Additionally I’m trying to find a new tone for myself when it comes to writing. I think there is a bit of my spark missing from the texts and I’m looking for to find a way to bring it back into photos and/or writing. So, what to expect? Most likely me spreading same amount of confusion as before in my text with pictures of places I’ve been to (I’m in a process of getting new lens for my Nikon so that could shift a bit of my focus in photography).

Pictures are from Bologna, Paris and Copenhagen

Shame on you!

Shame on you. Have I ever thought what this actually means? After finishing Brené Brown’s I thought it was just me, a book about shame I felt like someone would have hit me with a glass of ice cold water. I knew that this book would probably be a good read, what I was not expecting was how concept of shame was presented in the book. Do you know that feeling of being wired wrong? Like there would be something broken within you which can’t be fixed? That is a shame, right there making its special delivery of greetings just for you. What I didn’t realise before was the distinction of shame and guilt. I’ve been fairly keen on mapping them into same category, like they would be equal, same. But what it is then that separates these two? Well, it is the way of viewing of situations, if you wear shame glasses it looks like you, as a person and human being are alone in this world and only one wired wrong. You would always be an ounce less human than the others. Guilt on the other hand would cover feeling that one of your actions are wrong. Your action is the problem, not what or who you are. Guilt makes us apology and change our behaviour. Shame on the other hand is harder feeling to deal with, most of the time we would run away from it like a Usain Bolt runs 100m or try to avoid it with any cause; blaming others or hindering it with addiction just to name a few. What all of this then means in our lives?

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At least for me it gave a name for this feeling of falling from a cliff and not knowing when I will hit the bottom. I’ve been struggling with that sense of nothingness in me, something that would hit me with no reason (or more likely with no rational reason) at all, something that left me always feel like ‘I’m the only person who feels like this or I’m just a terrible human being’. I got a tool to look at this feeling with different gadget than before, not thorough shame but through glasses of understanding. Could I be capable to show myself the same compassion and empathy I can show to others? This would be the hot key or potato to deal with (and certainly not the first or last time I’m exploring roots of this idea). It is not so much the concept of being emphatic, loving and compassionate person towards yourself it is the action itself that seems to be the tough part. It is like learning a new skill; first you will make a lot of mistakes but more your practice, better you become but still even though you’ve mastered the skill there would be mistakes every here now and then, because we are humans and as capable we are, we make mistakes, it is part of our nature.

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Why it is so much easier to remember the human factor when dealing with others? But for oneself it is so hard? It is like writing a script for ‘robot me’ and then pressing ‘play’ just to find out that there is always things happening when the show starts that you can’t anticipate beforehand, making the play look more like a human trying to act like a robot. That sounds more of a sitcom rather than a perfectly executed drama to me. It is that idea of perfectionism that haunts me, I know that life is a sitcom, perfectly executed drama just can’t touch that feeling of leaving office on a Friday and by the time you are on a way to metro station you spot an interesting news article on a social media and decide to read it on a go. Of course you get so into it that you would not notice the crack on a pavement and boom you find yourself lying on a street happy about the fact that nothing is broken (and by this I mean also the phone) and you’re still alive and kicking. Robot would have just avoid the crack and this incident would have never happened, not a sitcom material.

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Why do we then keep telling ourselves and others to feel ashamed of ourselves? If we know that these feelings are not going to help us anywhere. Should we take another perspective into this whole matter and try to learn ways to prevent this approach. Should we first take a glance at ourselves, learn to understand ourselves better. Look back at that feeling, maybe even afterwards, why did I react this way? But looking back with curiosity of knowing not with punishment of being less human than the others. Maybe then we understand what went wrong and instead of punishing our whole existence, we might make the change that we need rather than taking the nearest exit to avoid the feeling.

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Pics are from lovely Copenhagen ❤

Seagull

I think it is safe to say spring 2017 is here according to the happenings of yesterday. It all started at 7pm when I met one of my colleagues in Nørreport before we walked to the Illum rooftop terrace (last part of that journey we used a lift). I was a tap early so as I stayed in sun for a while before the day turned into night I saw first public act of procedure you usually do in the toilets this year. Definitely sign that the weather is indeed getting warmer this was followed with a group of guys with bikes, beer and some imitations of a singing, or I think it was actual singing, but for sure if the birds started their singing lessons already few weeks back I think our race is following slow but steadily into the same tunes. I already dared the weather before I left the house and decided that it is time for leather jacket and heels and I survived so that adds on to this ‘Spring 2017 here now’ list.

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I think terrace is already giving some hints of the lovely breeze of summer that is around the corner. There I was, watching Christiansborg palace when it was bathing in last sparks of the sunset. At that moment I saw a seagull flying towards our table…and in those few seconds I had time to think before this creature would fly over, I  had a thought that this is not looking good at all… and in that moment I just hear ‘splash’ and there it was, in the middle of the menu I was reading; a white pod 😀 I’m not sure where this seagull wanted to aim, so giving score on how well this duty went would not make sense as I don’t know the background of this mission. In any case, we were having sort of a farewell party for few of my colleagues and this menu was from Italian restaurant (Rossopomodoro: recommendation if you want a view, nice food and drinks) and as lucky I was to have the package to land on the menu, apparently it is also sign for a good luck. This warmed my heart when our waitress told this while picking up the not so neat menu… Yesterday’s signs were pointing at spring quite heavily one could say.

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So, besides this awesomeness of spring being here and me being extra excited about it, I will also share few pics from Louisiana Museum of Modern Art which is a place you should definitely go if you’re visiting Copenhagen! I try to come up with a post of the museums in here after I’ve checked few more of them but Louisiana stole my heart and I’m now happily owning a one year card in there.

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Elastic Heart

First three pics are from coast of Arabia and last one is from Hietaniemi Square, Helsinki. There is a post coming up of Helsinki, but I just needed to get this post out of my chest first!

Funny how Universe works, you think you’re the same person until something triggers you back to times before and you notice that you’re in completely different chapter in your life. There I was, standing on my two feet steady on the ground and I just knew, I just knew first time in a long time that I had changed and for most of the parts better. It affects us, people I mean. Sometimes you wish you would just vanish parts of memories but in the end every emotion has a purpose. For me it was to seek myself from deep waters, because I completely lost myself in my early twenties. I had no clue who I was, I was so used to please that I felt like an elastic band always finding my way around or stretched to maximum without noticing how it made me feel. And it didn’t make me feel good at all. There I was same time following my dreams and I put so much pressure on myself because I had to feel ‘good’ ‘happy’ because this was what I wanted to do with my life, right?! But still I would find myself crying to sleep, feeling drained and somehow I could not figure out, why?

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It was my growing pains to understand what it means to enjoy your time alone vs. being lonely. And I tasted the lonely part, for the first time in my life I didn’t know who to call or where to go when I needed support. I learned dark side of traveling and for me it was those moments where I had to solely rely on myself, when I just wanted to share that moment with someone else. It is tough to make it by yourself and I’ve always been that person who makes things looks easy. Only those who are really close to me see that vulnerable and highly sensitive part of me. It is not in my nature to do things alone, well not most of the time. I’ve always been that person who gets energy being with other people. But I learned to be alone, I learned that when I stop for a moment I’m able to find that reflection time I need. Time to listen myself, make decisions that I want to do. My passion for writing and reading became one of those things I would rely, one of those things that could make me sparkle even when at some points I felt that all the sparkle is gone inside of me.

Somehow it is that upcoming autumn and my birthday that makes me always wonder about my life. But before I looked back, now I feel like it is time to look forward and find that time for myself in this moment. I’m finally ready to turn that page, or I think it happened already but I didn’t noticed until it was right on my face. And boy, that feels good! There is still more than 100000 things I’m puzzled about, I still don’t know what or who I am, but I know myself a bit better. I know a little bit better how to listen to myself but I think that adventure into one self is a lifelong challenge and I’ve just getting started with exploring. So, here I am as someone I never thought I would become when I was little. I’m actually further than I ever imagined I would be. If I could go back 10 years, I would tell that 17 year old young woman to trust herself and her capabilities more and remind her that it is OK to feel confused, it is part of growing. And foremost, that it is not her job to take care of others feelings, most important lesson is to find that thin line where you take responsibility of your own feelings and actions. Because then you apology and forgive when you are supposed to (for yourself and others) and you know yourself, you love yourself enough to base your judgement and decisions on that love. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and as you choose to love your partner, family and friends you can choose to love yourself every morning.

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Phoenix

I was on my way to countryside, that same place I’ve visited since I was born. There is always certain feeling to that place, it gives me time to just rest. But this time was somehow different, it was first time in years when I didn’t feel anxiety at all. Sometimes you get your heart so broken that you lost yourself in that process and you search cure from wrong places, you hurt yourself even when you think you’re moving forwards. This place just holds me a special meaning, even in dreams it relates to safe haven for me. If I need to run away from something or someone and I need to find a safe place, I find myself often in this familiar scenery. Nature is just right there, it hugs you, welcomes you and same time makes sure that you leave everything else behind.

After this weekend I feel like a Phoenix who would have risen from the ashes and is flying again. Everything is same, but same time all has changed and all the confusion is starting to make sense. Pieces are finally falling into right places for this moment, but same time I can look to my future with confidence and to my past with glasses that makes all my decisions clear and tied to my experience in that particular moment. And I know now better, which actually put smile on my face, a big one. One of those smiles that makes you almost want to cry because you know you survived of something you think you could never get through. Something that you think would haunt you for the rest of your life but then all of a sudden you notice that is not the case anymore. So, how this world looks for me? Find out from the pics placed under.

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AlienZombies and Other Variables

I’m here sitting by my desk, drinking that almost perfect Kaffa Latte (one of the best places to get your coffee from in Helsinki) and hope to find that missing power to finish my thesis (it is gone for today… I try tomorrow with better success I hope). I’ve been going on and off about my life this spring and seems that I can’t find a solution to that small but at the same time so big empty gap in me. It moves around, sometimes it is smaller… sometimes it feels like it will eat me alive. Like in one of those alien movies where you are not sure are you going to give a birth to an alien or actual human being (applies also to Zombie movies). And no, I’m not pregnant but for some reason this metaphor just came to my mind while I was trying to express this space inside me.

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When I get too much time to think (I love thinking… but as per when I’m sick and I can’t do anything else… end result is… well I think I could put it in phrase of ‘chaotic’) which I had this week due to my migraine… try to think whilst it feels like someone is banging your head with a hammer from the inside. Very happy thoughts. I got a tap better on Tuesday, so I was able to go to my courtyard to pick some food from Foodora guy, who nicely delivered it to me (that app is going to be a disaster for my wallet… luckily I don’t spend that much time home) and spared a smile. This incident already had my lips turning from this 😦 to this 🙂 .

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That moment didn’t last long so as I crawled back to my dungeon I already had that dark cloud above my head. Spending too much time home, while being sick (okay, I will add or in a hospital as it is almost 1 year anniversary of my China hospital experience) is just awful. You go round thoughts like ‘what if I would feel like this every day?’   ‘If this would be my last day, who I would call what would I do?’, yeah it is like someone would have unleashed also all those unfinished things which used to be under control and you would take them for a walk every now and then, with that clear goal in your mind (sometimes not so clear.. but almost there).‘Here I am, lying in bed when I could write thesis, do you have to be so lazy?! (as you could actually do anything else than try to concentrate on anything else than to get back to sleep)’ or how about that one thing you forgot to do on Monday at work? (Like that could not wait until next day).

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Same time you try to be reasonable and caring human being towards yourself so you try to convince yourself that all that crap about not doing anything, well it is actually crap and you should just relax and get better. And just when you have that moment of falling back to sleep usually very very very quiet up stare neighbor is starting a home renovation and it feels in that mind-set that there is at least 10 tables which are so heavy that you HAVE to drag them to right place while moving happens wearing stilettos. Best place to start that conversation with yourself ‘where from now? Should I stay, or leave?’ One can just guess where that conversation was going. So, by time 7 pm on Tuesday, I was hoping that I could just get sleep, wake up on morning and just get to work and hope that migraine is long gone. It was, and I woke up happy to a sunshine and busy day at the office. Feels like I could now have that conversation about future with myself, but I think I will first enjoy my latte, write and colour my colouring book while watching Netflix.

Pics are from Helsinki, I think I need to start to plan a new trip to get pics from somewhere else than from Helsinki.

Heinola, Finland

I started to do some countryside sightseeing in Finland past weekend. I went to Heinola where I haven’t been in years, this is the town I grew up and soon as I got off from bus I was; ‘literally everything is still the same’. My childhood friend who is having holiday here in Finland before her return to Australia, came to pick me up (I could have get lost…or not). It was not as sunny on Saturday than past weeks has been but still fairly pleasing weather.

Heinola is like so many of those little cities in Finland it blooms up in summer and goes back to sleep by the winter as bears do back here up north. Everything around me was miniature compared to my memory of the place, like I would have caught the biggest mushroom in Super Mario Bros. 3 and everything around me would turn small and tiny. If I would have solely rely on my memory of the city, I would have picture it with a way bigger distances and all the buildings bigger than they actually were. So, how did Heinola look like? Here some bits and pieces from my Saturday visit in my hometown.

 

Plot Twist

Just put a little twist on it! Earlier today I was sitting in a café enjoying that biggest latte they have in house and trying to concentrate on thesis writing after work. I have to admit that I got distracted more than once, mostly due to headache I was going through but also that fact of the weather! It is not even June yet and we are enjoying +20 already! I can’t complain, I just had to dig out my comfy jumpsuit from closet and deal with the fact that I can use this piece way earlier than I thought. Really, my glass was half empty and I thought there would not be time for me to even wear it here in Finland. Someone has proved me wrong again.

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But about the twist, well this weather could be called ‘plot twist’ because I think no one except Finns believes that it is actually happening but smile on my face wasn’t due to this ‘plot twist’ I’m getting quite used to it already (sun makes me smile though…always). Extra smiles for today comes from a) there happened to be two teenagers next to me in café, who would remind me of those ‘golden times’. Yes, I do remember when I had discussions about my average or someone else’s, there is a boy who plays football? There are…many, or how about just that heart-warming conversation about friendship and how whether they were from different school (nowadays it is usually country) they were still friends.

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On that instant I had to send a message to my partner in crime in China (and yes, I have had to answer questions about my ‘twin’, if she hasn’t been with me in certain areas in Shenzhen). She also recommended me a book called Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Nell Scovell and Sheryl Sandberg (and yes, it was a good read…), there is a lot that name can do, for example change people’s reaction on his/her personality. I have my rant post coming about women and working life, but let’s leave it now. Okay, I will add still… please women do not put the break on your career because you might be starting a family in few years. I’ve never thought about the issue from this perspective, before Lean in but I’m convinced that there is too many people driving side roads too afraid to take the motorway.

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As a b) when I got home today, I had a letter waiting for me. I usually don’t get letters and my aunt had asked my new address past week and when I got home I had something waiting for me;

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It is those little big things that can make your day shine a bit brighter than earlier. Then there is that c) and I think I could put it in a nutshell as a happiness. My friend happened to have a birthday yesterday and we had a really nice picnic in Hakaniemi including cake, champagne and friends (I think I should have not burst on to that monologue about Jon Ronson’s the Psychopath test… but I happened to finish it on Monday). There is something about this spring, I haven’t got a bright clue yet what but making Helsinki home has most to do with all those people who have taken me back into their everyday life after my time being in China. I’m so happy that I have those people in my life, making this transformation a bit easier. I’m not finished yet but maybe there is butterflies coming later this year…

Pics are from this land far far away, where sun is shining and people can wear jumpsuits in May!

Gulf of Finland

When you want to publish a post but you have no idea what to write about. My brain is working 24/7 first work, then thesis and after that everything else, I just can’t find that writing flow. Every post I’ve tried to write has been somewhat cryptic and as far as I’m concerned not on a list of ‘you really should publish this’. I just wanted to come and show some pics from last Friday when we had a get together with my colleagues. We went to a small cruise in Gulf of Finland and those views! Pretty, or more likely beautiful I would say! How all of you are feeling about it?

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Gulf of Finland from miladyopri on Vimeo.