Godfather.

I’m trying to get it around my head, you’re not here anymore. I want to say all of it and none of it at the same time. I want you to know how much you meant to me and the impact you’ve had in my life but at the same time, I want to go into cave and not say anything about it to anybody. Because if I write about it, say it out loud, it is that much more real. It is real but still, it feels like it is not. What I want to do is to pick up my phone and call, maybe you would answer? Death is so final. There is nothing you could say or do. The presence of death is in everywhere, in every inhale and exhale it lingeries through your body.

Often, we talk about how we should say all the things to each other when the person is still here but do we always understand those things before the other is away? Our need to create a story and meaning to that story shapes how we see things at this moment, death is a plot twist that shapes our story in a way that our life will not be the same again. It pushes us to think our past with different way, it highlights our lives different way because the memories we have are there but it hits us like a wave, there will not be new memories with this person.

Photographing has been with me years. I got my first camera from my godfather. It is not so much the physical gift in this narrative that makes this moment so meaningful to me, it is everything else that is tied to ‘photographing’, it is my way to experience and present world differently. It gives me an outlet for my feelings and it includes others into my journey even though they would not be in that exact spot with me physically. It is a way for me to tell about my feelings of a place, my own feelings or just be there side by side with my written words. And you were there, contributing to something that grew to be something I keep turning to when I need a new perspective or when I need to find a way to paint the truth I created in a slightly different way. You contributed to my core.

Your support and way you treated me since I was a kid, not as a kid but as another human being shaped me. I never felt that you would have pampered me, you listened, contributed and took me as I am. It feels hard to accept that I will never have this kind of conversation with you anymore. It feels hard to even talk about you in the past tense. I don’t understand death, I don’t understand why. Death feels always sudden, it reminds that we are here only for a certain period of time. It reminds me that I should be open, present and loving, even though it seems hard almost impossible at times. Seek deep, learn and re-learn yourself, spread the love you have. Spread the love all over yourself and you will accidentally spread it to others at the same time, it is like confetti. You will find it still months after in the most surprising places. Remember, there are always many sides to the story, your own interpretation is not the only truth. You just might be contributing into someone’s life in the most magical way even though you or they wouldn’t see it in that exact moment. We all are just stardust wondering in this chaos called life.

Thank you, for being there for me. Thank you for saying yes to my parents when they asked you to be my godfather. I’m ever grateful to you for being part of my life.

And just because we should have gone to see the new Queen movie together and last time we talked I gave a monologue to you, why I love this song and video so much:

Pics are from: Copenhagen, Denmark, Bologna, Italy, Dublin, Ireland and Calabria, Italy.

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Corners of the Earth

…Why? I thought I was able to let go of this pattern of thinking. I don’t need to know, I’m trying to give myself the room I need. Remind myself of all the knowledge I’ve gathered but still I take the ‘pros & cons’ -list out of my pocket and I start to list of things just to alter it more to the ‘pro’ side because I don’t want to let go the thought of you. My mind is most of the time looking to the future. I want to see all the potential, all the potential there is in one. Can’t you see what I can see? My subjective reality calculates what you could be, not who you’ve been or what are you now, it sees one only full of possibilities. What this makes out of me? Naive? I paint pictures with such a big brush of potential that at times I forget the realities of the world and the fact that I’m not a fortuneteller.619635922But still, I want to know, who you are? Who you could be? I want to see, how you bloom and why? I’m riding with those undertones. Why you became the person you’re? Because what I see is something extraordinary. Is it only my mind playing tricks with me? I find everyone interesting by default and I’m curious about others but…if you can break into the field that surrounds me, the field that is built on experiences, freedom, and independence, you’ve made it to a land that is sacred to me. If I would stop for a moment for you, that is like I would give a piece of my core to share with you. It is more than the combination of the sacred. But it does bother me, will I ever find it comfortable to stay still long enough to give you a chance to build a home next to me?1830318737I keep guessing, I keep searching. How does it feel like to take a leap to the unknown with someone? I’m looking back, I know how to leave all you have built and take a leap into unknown. Oh, it feels like riding on a unicorn in a sky that is coloured by rainbows and at the same time it is painful as walking on a thin ice and drop into the deadly cold water. You wrap all the life you’ve had and say goodbye to the person you were. You re-learn yourself, it is an agonising but rewarding process. What are the possibilities when you mix two people into this soup? Potential, huge amount of potential but will our past always hunt us down like an arrow find its way in the hand of an archer to its prey and mix the soup with spices of our past disappointments, hurt, suspicious and fear?1104014931Pics are from Helsinki, Finland.

You had me at hello.

You know the feeling of being untouchable? Walking down the street like you have all of it covered. You feel alive, ready for anything but at the same time blessed and grateful for all the things you have in your life. Top of the world, enjoying the day and the night. Then all of a sudden, just when you think that this is it, nothing can shake this state of mind, Universe comes and well, uses those tricks it is known for. It comes with a force, first you kind of don’t even notice the moves, it is like watching someone who is extremely good at figure skating making the jumps just at the right time, effortlessly. You continue speak from the truth that you have at the moment. Using words like ‘I never’ or ‘I don’t think I understand what that means’ and then the Universe pulls the rug from under your feet.991151900Stunned, on the ground you wonder, how did this happened? How can someone stole my cool? My ‘cool as a cucumber’ -mental state stolen, just like that without hesitation nor any particular tricks. You keep on pondering, how did this happen? All of a sudden the domino effect inside of you start to create some kind of heat map of the feelings that you’ve noticed arousing. What on earth is this?! You start to see all the scientific research running through your eyes. Brain scans, which will basically tell that ‘being crazy’ and ‘have a crush’ stimulates the same parts of the brain… craziness indeed it is. First, you try to make it seem alright, stating that the glow is due to a new bronzer. You try to push it away.2003362832Simultaneously your head keeps spinning ‘I just can’t get you out of my head’. You know, that you’re sinking into the crush land and hard. And you know that the other one feels the same way. Both of you running away from it, like ‘is this it?!?’, I didn’t sign to this when I met you. Running in circles just to bump to each other, again, again and again. Then taking a turn and continuing running. Seems like a reasonable thing to do in your late 20s. It is like taking two super balls (this was a thing also somewhere else than in Finland, right?) give them a little push and drop it into a cube and watch how they randomly bounces from one angle to another and hit each other. Rational? Maybe not but this might as well be one of those ‘you just go with the feeling’ types of things.1745318902 At the same time you try to act like a rational person. Doing the math, putting all the cons and pros into the situation. All those calculations making it seems like the most irrational thing ever but still you feel drawn to it. You ask yourself, what it is that makes me feel this way? And the question just sinks in, you really don’t get a coherent answer back. Reviewing all of it back and forth but there is something you can’t really put in other way than, you had me at hello.

Pics are from Helsinki, Finland.

42

I’ve got a few questions relating ‘42’ and where it is coming from so I thought I would give you a bit more of me in the following post. I hope it clears ‘42’ a bit more and why I’ve chosen to approach writing and this channel the way I’ve done it. In any case, I’ve always wanted to be able to make people think, discuss and share their views of life, opinions and well just anything. I’m by nature curious. Writing for me is a way to put my thoughts together in a slower and more throughout way as I’m in real life conversations usually quick and vocal. Writing nurtures the other side of me. It is a way for me to express myself with time and thought. Therefore, my writing shares a quite a different side of me, something that is not evident in me at a first glance nor you might not even see it even if you know me. However, I don’t want this blog to be solely about me, it is one way for me to explore ‘42’ but just to give some insights about me (I feel super awkward when photographed, I can work selfies but when I need to pose for someone else, well see below):1392953211I cry when I feel that the burden of the world or society is too much for me to take. I lock myself inside of my house for a weekend when I feel that I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I open like a rose when I meet a person I feel comfortable with but at the same time I might just turn into an iceberg when I feel the opposite. I try to be the open-minded person and try to be aware of my prejudices but still, I fail at times and make assumptions that might not hold true in that specific situation. I want to have a career and be independent as fuck but at the same time I want to buy tickets to the Maldives with you and spend two weeks between sheets and ocean. I want to be able to do things alone but I still miss you by my side during the nights. I know how to be extra but still, I wish that for you I will be enough without icing on the cake. I try my best to be there for my friends and family, the gratefulness of having people around that takes you as who you are is huge but still, at the times, I fail to be a good person towards them.1336614645I get excited about things aka hyped up and when I do I’m unstoppable but I do have days when I wonder why on earth I’m even trying. I have a constant battle within me about ‘staying’ and ‘going’ and I can’t live without either one of them. I’m confident, honest and straight but at the same time, I’m insecure, shy and quiet. I wonder almost daily, why are we here? What is the reason we act in certain ways? Are we really so simple that we run around after our instincts? Whose illusion I’m living? With whose eyes I’m seeing myself? What am I doing here (literally)? Who is this person, why he/she is as they are? What should I eat today? What book I should pick up next? Should I really publish this text? How will I make my quota this month? Why he/she is not getting it? Why I’m not getting it? How I should approach certain topic to make my point clear? How can I actively listen, when I’m so horny I can’t even stay still? Did I say the right thing? How can I make myself understand the world better? What is the hidden agenda in this text/speech/conversation? Why I feel lost? What do I want from life? How to accept that you’re not able to grasp anything as a whole you only have a fraction of everything, even yourself? What ‘time’ means? What is wrong with me? Why I feel so insecure about my looks today? Why do I like this person? Why he/she is not seeing the potential in them I see? Am I stupid? How can I be more gentle towards myself? Where can I find a good cup of coffee? What is the meaning of life? 42.31778968942, is from Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, it is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. I find numbers fascinating, they really don’t tell anything before you choose to build a story around them and well, then my 42 looks quite different from yours, doesn’t it? Further, I also like the light-hearted joke in the ‘42’ as it is not telling anything, even though it is is a solid scientific answer. So, I can approach ‘42’ with a light heart, with a seriousness it needs but embrace the irony, complexity, and paradoxes it brings to me. I could call this blog ‘Meaning of life by miladyopri’ but it really sounds dull, it doesn’t resonate the same way as 42.

Any questions? Leave a comment I try to answer.

Pictures are from beloved Helsinki, Finland.

Resistance

Resonate with me, I’m trying to find the right tune. I’m falling back to that bottomless hole that sucks me in, I know. I know because nothing on my playlist doesn’t feel right, it is not in tune with me, my levels are somewhere else. Out of the reach, out of touch. I’m trying to grasp for an air because it feels like I’m suffocating. Where can I find air? Save me from myself.833087032I loop inside my head all the insecurities that I’ve created for myself. Shame giving its guidelines to the driver in the highway of not belonging. I take a deep breath, I know there is an exit coming. Anything else than this feeling, why I can’t pinpoint it? I would want to rip it out of me but it has lurked into every cell and corner of my body. It reminds me, irrationally, why there must be something completely utterly wrong with me. One exit passed by when the next one will come? As I drive by the land of not belonging, through the landscapes I know too well, roads which I remember by heart, I wonder where, when and how did I learn to be so violent towards myself?1990142753My heart skips a beat, I don’t want to accept it, violence. It would be easier to let the demons speak and just wait for the feeling pass away but that is like letting someone punch you in the face without saying anything. So, which one I would accept resistance or violence? Pondering, in whose benefit the self-hate is? Resistance, it feels like a right thing to do but I don’t know the road, it is unfamiliar, which is why it is so tempting to go back to the road I know by heart. Why is it so hard to let go of familiar? Nonetheless, it is good for us or not. But there is a shy wish within me that I would learn the roads of loving myself better than I do now, learn to know the person I’ve become. Hear myself better, hear myself out, do things for myself, learn to listen rather than feeding myself with assumptions and accusations that I’ve taken with me throughout the years.656443868

Pics are from Giethoorn, Utrecht and Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Meaning of Nothingness

It is somehow hard to put my mind anywhere, it feels like I would be here, now, but what does it mean? Absence of meaning makes it hard to make decisions. Sense of nothingness, overall idea that we would really have some say in our lives, but I feel powerless facing the faceless. It lurks in every aspect of my being, nothing really doesn’t matter. Matter itself, this ideal that there is meaning for us in here. If there is, I’ve lost it and it seems that I can’t find it. What gives us meaning?

830394448I typed the question into my browser and pressed search, waiting for an answer ’42’ to appear in my screen. It is just a number, piece of data, meaningless without understanding how it is created. Is it same with our lives, are we too anxious to look at KPIs that we set for ourselves? ‘Meaning of it all, exceeding the expectations!’ We focus so much on the outcomes that we forget, what it is that actually creates those numbers. What is worth of a spreadsheet of numbers if you don’t know how you collected and created the data in the spreadsheet? Is it really our purpose to have this run-race for everything, measuring what we are in the face of society in this competition conducted by something invisible. And most of the time we are blind to even notice that we are once again on that race horse. Or were we ever off it?

1100035931Blind to notice, but what is it then we are suppose to notice? I’m struggling a lot with the idea of ‘knowing what I want’ and I wonder…’where to get the answer, silly thought to think the answer knows where to go‘, what kind of picture I’m creating, how is all of this supposed to tied up to a story? My story, it seems that I don’t own it, I’m just moving along with time, without understanding or noticing the underlying active network, which is shaping my life.

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Pics are from Copenhagen from past few months.

Why so serious? It is 28 o’clock!

28 o’clock and as I’m getting back on track or more precise on that motorcycle that I’ve left in my garage a while a back. So, I’m going to change that scooter I’ve been driving steadily this year back to multitasking University and work combo. I’ve been relatively quiet about the fact that I’m starting studies soon again. I was accepted to Masters this spring and besides continuing rocking with AdWords I will start lectures again too. All these autumn colours and weather forecast anticipates also that birthday is knocking on my door. And I’m opening that door with a confusion and big smile on. Smile, well because what else (Caaaaaaaaake)? Confusion, well because that is what I am nowadays. Confusing but same time happy (most of the time). I went through pics from Bologna and I found this quote from Dali Experience:

‘What is important is to spread confusion not eliminate it.’

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This just kind of supported me to spread that confusion around me a bit more. Although I think Universe has also put its joker on a table or maybe I’m wrong with that and it might have been only 2 cents. Anyhow I’m looking forward end of this year with an excitement and curiosity. Additionally I’m trying to find a new tone for myself when it comes to writing. I think there is a bit of my spark missing from the texts and I’m looking for to find a way to bring it back into photos and/or writing. So, what to expect? Most likely me spreading same amount of confusion as before in my text with pictures of places I’ve been to (I’m in a process of getting new lens for my Nikon so that could shift a bit of my focus in photography).

Pictures are from Bologna, Paris and Copenhagen

Shame on you!

Shame on you. Have I ever thought what this actually means? After finishing Brené Brown’s I thought it was just me, a book about shame I felt like someone would have hit me with a glass of ice cold water. I knew that this book would probably be a good read, what I was not expecting was how concept of shame was presented in the book. Do you know that feeling of being wired wrong? Like there would be something broken within you which can’t be fixed? That is a shame, right there making its special delivery of greetings just for you. What I didn’t realise before was the distinction of shame and guilt. I’ve been fairly keen on mapping them into same category, like they would be equal, same. But what it is then that separates these two? Well, it is the way of viewing of situations, if you wear shame glasses it looks like you, as a person and human being are alone in this world and only one wired wrong. You would always be an ounce less human than the others. Guilt on the other hand would cover feeling that one of your actions are wrong. Your action is the problem, not what or who you are. Guilt makes us apology and change our behaviour. Shame on the other hand is harder feeling to deal with, most of the time we would run away from it like a Usain Bolt runs 100m or try to avoid it with any cause; blaming others or hindering it with addiction just to name a few. What all of this then means in our lives?

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At least for me it gave a name for this feeling of falling from a cliff and not knowing when I will hit the bottom. I’ve been struggling with that sense of nothingness in me, something that would hit me with no reason (or more likely with no rational reason) at all, something that left me always feel like ‘I’m the only person who feels like this or I’m just a terrible human being’. I got a tool to look at this feeling with different gadget than before, not thorough shame but through glasses of understanding. Could I be capable to show myself the same compassion and empathy I can show to others? This would be the hot key or potato to deal with (and certainly not the first or last time I’m exploring roots of this idea). It is not so much the concept of being emphatic, loving and compassionate person towards yourself it is the action itself that seems to be the tough part. It is like learning a new skill; first you will make a lot of mistakes but more your practice, better you become but still even though you’ve mastered the skill there would be mistakes every here now and then, because we are humans and as capable we are, we make mistakes, it is part of our nature.

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Why it is so much easier to remember the human factor when dealing with others? But for oneself it is so hard? It is like writing a script for ‘robot me’ and then pressing ‘play’ just to find out that there is always things happening when the show starts that you can’t anticipate beforehand, making the play look more like a human trying to act like a robot. That sounds more of a sitcom rather than a perfectly executed drama to me. It is that idea of perfectionism that haunts me, I know that life is a sitcom, perfectly executed drama just can’t touch that feeling of leaving office on a Friday and by the time you are on a way to metro station you spot an interesting news article on a social media and decide to read it on a go. Of course you get so into it that you would not notice the crack on a pavement and boom you find yourself lying on a street happy about the fact that nothing is broken (and by this I mean also the phone) and you’re still alive and kicking. Robot would have just avoid the crack and this incident would have never happened, not a sitcom material.

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Why do we then keep telling ourselves and others to feel ashamed of ourselves? If we know that these feelings are not going to help us anywhere. Should we take another perspective into this whole matter and try to learn ways to prevent this approach. Should we first take a glance at ourselves, learn to understand ourselves better. Look back at that feeling, maybe even afterwards, why did I react this way? But looking back with curiosity of knowing not with punishment of being less human than the others. Maybe then we understand what went wrong and instead of punishing our whole existence, we might make the change that we need rather than taking the nearest exit to avoid the feeling.

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Pics are from lovely Copenhagen ❤

Seagull

I think it is safe to say spring 2017 is here according to the happenings of yesterday. It all started at 7pm when I met one of my colleagues in Nørreport before we walked to the Illum rooftop terrace (last part of that journey we used a lift). I was a tap early so as I stayed in sun for a while before the day turned into night I saw first public act of procedure you usually do in the toilets this year. Definitely sign that the weather is indeed getting warmer this was followed with a group of guys with bikes, beer and some imitations of a singing, or I think it was actual singing, but for sure if the birds started their singing lessons already few weeks back I think our race is following slow but steadily into the same tunes. I already dared the weather before I left the house and decided that it is time for leather jacket and heels and I survived so that adds on to this ‘Spring 2017 here now’ list.

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I think terrace is already giving some hints of the lovely breeze of summer that is around the corner. There I was, watching Christiansborg palace when it was bathing in last sparks of the sunset. At that moment I saw a seagull flying towards our table…and in those few seconds I had time to think before this creature would fly over, I  had a thought that this is not looking good at all… and in that moment I just hear ‘splash’ and there it was, in the middle of the menu I was reading; a white pod 😀 I’m not sure where this seagull wanted to aim, so giving score on how well this duty went would not make sense as I don’t know the background of this mission. In any case, we were having sort of a farewell party for few of my colleagues and this menu was from Italian restaurant (Rossopomodoro: recommendation if you want a view, nice food and drinks) and as lucky I was to have the package to land on the menu, apparently it is also sign for a good luck. This warmed my heart when our waitress told this while picking up the not so neat menu… Yesterday’s signs were pointing at spring quite heavily one could say.

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So, besides this awesomeness of spring being here and me being extra excited about it, I will also share few pics from Louisiana Museum of Modern Art which is a place you should definitely go if you’re visiting Copenhagen! I try to come up with a post of the museums in here after I’ve checked few more of them but Louisiana stole my heart and I’m now happily owning a one year card in there.

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Elastic Heart

First three pics are from coast of Arabia and last one is from Hietaniemi Square, Helsinki. There is a post coming up of Helsinki, but I just needed to get this post out of my chest first!

Funny how Universe works, you think you’re the same person until something triggers you back to times before and you notice that you’re in completely different chapter in your life. There I was, standing on my two feet steady on the ground and I just knew, I just knew first time in a long time that I had changed and for most of the parts better. It affects us, people I mean. Sometimes you wish you would just vanish parts of memories but in the end every emotion has a purpose. For me it was to seek myself from deep waters, because I completely lost myself in my early twenties. I had no clue who I was, I was so used to please that I felt like an elastic band always finding my way around or stretched to maximum without noticing how it made me feel. And it didn’t make me feel good at all. There I was same time following my dreams and I put so much pressure on myself because I had to feel ‘good’ ‘happy’ because this was what I wanted to do with my life, right?! But still I would find myself crying to sleep, feeling drained and somehow I could not figure out, why?

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It was my growing pains to understand what it means to enjoy your time alone vs. being lonely. And I tasted the lonely part, for the first time in my life I didn’t know who to call or where to go when I needed support. I learned dark side of traveling and for me it was those moments where I had to solely rely on myself, when I just wanted to share that moment with someone else. It is tough to make it by yourself and I’ve always been that person who makes things looks easy. Only those who are really close to me see that vulnerable and highly sensitive part of me. It is not in my nature to do things alone, well not most of the time. I’ve always been that person who gets energy being with other people. But I learned to be alone, I learned that when I stop for a moment I’m able to find that reflection time I need. Time to listen myself, make decisions that I want to do. My passion for writing and reading became one of those things I would rely, one of those things that could make me sparkle even when at some points I felt that all the sparkle is gone inside of me.

Somehow it is that upcoming autumn and my birthday that makes me always wonder about my life. But before I looked back, now I feel like it is time to look forward and find that time for myself in this moment. I’m finally ready to turn that page, or I think it happened already but I didn’t noticed until it was right on my face. And boy, that feels good! There is still more than 100000 things I’m puzzled about, I still don’t know what or who I am, but I know myself a bit better. I know a little bit better how to listen to myself but I think that adventure into one self is a lifelong challenge and I’ve just getting started with exploring. So, here I am as someone I never thought I would become when I was little. I’m actually further than I ever imagined I would be. If I could go back 10 years, I would tell that 17 year old young woman to trust herself and her capabilities more and remind her that it is OK to feel confused, it is part of growing. And foremost, that it is not her job to take care of others feelings, most important lesson is to find that thin line where you take responsibility of your own feelings and actions. Because then you apology and forgive when you are supposed to (for yourself and others) and you know yourself, you love yourself enough to base your judgement and decisions on that love. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and as you choose to love your partner, family and friends you can choose to love yourself every morning.

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