Sensation

I decided few weeks back to take another look on Sex and the City, it was almost decade from the last time I watched all the episodes. Besides ‘oh dear, I understand all of this so much better than 10 years ago’ –phrases I was telling to everyone I had social contact with, it got me thinking love and relationships. When it comes to end of the series Carrie defines love as follows:

‘I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’

How our society defines love? What is love? And most importantly, is love inconvenient and consuming? What I have find difficult in past years is; how to define love. I can tell more than dozens of things that are not love but does it take me closer to essence of love or will these descriptions reduce my ability to understand the concept. Above quote in my reality describes feeling called ‘falling in love’ rather than love itself. Consuming reflects to something that will take away, something that will wear out and what is left after? If love would be inconvenient and consuming, in the end would all of us be just drained out from juice. Waiting for a refill and if we don’t get it, how it would left us feel? And more importantly, what extend we would be willing to go to get that refill? When we are looking for something, we have clear image of what it is supposed to be. Are we then just making expectations on how that special someone should behave in all situations and when that person does not act according to that box we have created for them, are we then putting a label ‘not love’ on it without hesitation?

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Are we looking for answers from outer world, when in reality we should look inwards? That feeling of sensation; ‘I need you and can’t live without you’ to hinder our inner conflicts. Like we would wait someone to make us sane in a world that most of the time seems insane to us. In a way pushing responsibility of our own life into hands of someone else, waiting for Prince Charm to fight his way through us and giving us sense of reason by waking us up with a kiss. Or the other way around, fighting and chasing our way to the princess like a price that is to be win in a race. But on the other side of the spectrum, are we able to love (romantically speaking) without first falling in love? And how do we survive from that transition of falling in love to love. And if some of us are capable to do that, why it is so? And what kind of traits we should have to understand the difference and importance of this transition. And if we are to keep sexuality in relationship after the falling part should we make clearer distinction between love and lust? Because in falling in love these two are inseparable but does love include lust? Or are these separate entities which are triggered by different algorithm? And if so, is the magic trick to keep both of these entities alive to create a long lasting satisfying relationship? Even though it would never have the same sensation of sameness that is linked to falling in love.

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Pics are from Arken Museum of Modern Art, I highly recommend if you’re visiting CPH

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Million Reasons

Some odd reason relationships and commitment has been on my mind lately. It could be that there has been so many things considering these issues in my close friendships that I felt to write about this. How to make that decision to stay in a relationship? And on the other hand what tells one to exit? Every relationship looks like the ones who are in it and only those two knows exactly what is going on between them. What I’ve learned in late years is that most of the times one is too blind to see own barriers and locks that prevents the relationship to evolve. And I see this in me too, everyone has their baggage of prior relationships, heartbreaks and past.

There is always those things no one wants to hear about like timing and of course the fact that you can’t change the other person. Change oneself is hard and for some reason we often find it easier to try to change everything else in our lives but not ourselves. What makes us turn our head away from ourselves? What is the distraction and why it is so much ‘easier’ to see mistakes in others? Loving oneself with whole heart is challenging, because we tend to push things that threatens our world view to subconscious. Therefore we don’t have to deal with those thoughts and same time we easily strengthen those old thoughts and ideas we have about ourselves. This creates dissonance within, because we change and evolve but if we close our eyes from that change we live and stay in life that fit previous versions of ourselves. Which could led into situation when you have everything you ever wish for but it seems that something is off.

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It is hard to look back at that map and compass and decide to go to south when you have traveled to north east for years, especially when you know there is storm you have to go through if you change your direction. I thought if I just throw that anchor into water and stay for a while, I would find that place that is meant to me. Just to notice that being still would not make me happy, that I would need to take that leap and travel to south, even when it didn’t seem to be rational at all. Waiting for something to happen is painful and draining, sometimes only option is to lift up that anchor from the sea and continue. Let go of those thoughts of what could have been and take the chance to access something new. But making that decision to move on is one of the hardest things to do. Even when you know that this is what I have to do to keep that fire inside me live, it is hard to let go when love is involved…will it always come down to love? And is it that paradox of love that makes it hard for us to stay or go?

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Phoenix

I was on my way to countryside, that same place I’ve visited since I was born. There is always certain feeling to that place, it gives me time to just rest. But this time was somehow different, it was first time in years when I didn’t feel anxiety at all. Sometimes you get your heart so broken that you lost yourself in that process and you search cure from wrong places, you hurt yourself even when you think you’re moving forwards. This place just holds me a special meaning, even in dreams it relates to safe haven for me. If I need to run away from something or someone and I need to find a safe place, I find myself often in this familiar scenery. Nature is just right there, it hugs you, welcomes you and same time makes sure that you leave everything else behind.

After this weekend I feel like a Phoenix who would have risen from the ashes and is flying again. Everything is same, but same time all has changed and all the confusion is starting to make sense. Pieces are finally falling into right places for this moment, but same time I can look to my future with confidence and to my past with glasses that makes all my decisions clear and tied to my experience in that particular moment. And I know now better, which actually put smile on my face, a big one. One of those smiles that makes you almost want to cry because you know you survived of something you think you could never get through. Something that you think would haunt you for the rest of your life but then all of a sudden you notice that is not the case anymore. So, how this world looks for me? Find out from the pics placed under.

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