Godfather.

I’m trying to get it around my head, you’re not here anymore. I want to say all of it and none of it at the same time. I want you to know how much you meant to me and the impact you’ve had in my life but at the same time, I want to go into cave and not say anything about it to anybody. Because if I write about it, say it out loud, it is that much more real. It is real but still, it feels like it is not. What I want to do is to pick up my phone and call, maybe you would answer? Death is so final. There is nothing you could say or do. The presence of death is in everywhere, in every inhale and exhale it lingeries through your body.

Often, we talk about how we should say all the things to each other when the person is still here but do we always understand those things before the other is away? Our need to create a story and meaning to that story shapes how we see things at this moment, death is a plot twist that shapes our story in a way that our life will not be the same again. It pushes us to think our past with different way, it highlights our lives different way because the memories we have are there but it hits us like a wave, there will not be new memories with this person.

Photographing has been with me years. I got my first camera from my godfather. It is not so much the physical gift in this narrative that makes this moment so meaningful to me, it is everything else that is tied to ‘photographing’, it is my way to experience and present world differently. It gives me an outlet for my feelings and it includes others into my journey even though they would not be in that exact spot with me physically. It is a way for me to tell about my feelings of a place, my own feelings or just be there side by side with my written words. And you were there, contributing to something that grew to be something I keep turning to when I need a new perspective or when I need to find a way to paint the truth I created in a slightly different way. You contributed to my core.

Your support and way you treated me since I was a kid, not as a kid but as another human being shaped me. I never felt that you would have pampered me, you listened, contributed and took me as I am. It feels hard to accept that I will never have this kind of conversation with you anymore. It feels hard to even talk about you in the past tense. I don’t understand death, I don’t understand why. Death feels always sudden, it reminds that we are here only for a certain period of time. It reminds me that I should be open, present and loving, even though it seems hard almost impossible at times. Seek deep, learn and re-learn yourself, spread the love you have. Spread the love all over yourself and you will accidentally spread it to others at the same time, it is like confetti. You will find it still months after in the most surprising places. Remember, there are always many sides to the story, your own interpretation is not the only truth. You just might be contributing into someone’s life in the most magical way even though you or they wouldn’t see it in that exact moment. We all are just stardust wondering in this chaos called life.

Thank you, for being there for me. Thank you for saying yes to my parents when they asked you to be my godfather. I’m ever grateful to you for being part of my life.

And just because we should have gone to see the new Queen movie together and last time we talked I gave a monologue to you, why I love this song and video so much:

Pics are from: Copenhagen, Denmark, Bologna, Italy, Dublin, Ireland and Calabria, Italy.

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Resistance

Resonate with me, I’m trying to find the right tune. I’m falling back to that bottomless hole that sucks me in, I know. I know because nothing on my playlist doesn’t feel right, it is not in tune with me, my levels are somewhere else. Out of the reach, out of touch. I’m trying to grasp for an air because it feels like I’m suffocating. Where can I find air? Save me from myself.833087032I loop inside my head all the insecurities that I’ve created for myself. Shame giving its guidelines to the driver in the highway of not belonging. I take a deep breath, I know there is an exit coming. Anything else than this feeling, why I can’t pinpoint it? I would want to rip it out of me but it has lurked into every cell and corner of my body. It reminds me, irrationally, why there must be something completely utterly wrong with me. One exit passed by when the next one will come? As I drive by the land of not belonging, through the landscapes I know too well, roads which I remember by heart, I wonder where, when and how did I learn to be so violent towards myself?1990142753My heart skips a beat, I don’t want to accept it, violence. It would be easier to let the demons speak and just wait for the feeling pass away but that is like letting someone punch you in the face without saying anything. So, which one I would accept resistance or violence? Pondering, in whose benefit the self-hate is? Resistance, it feels like a right thing to do but I don’t know the road, it is unfamiliar, which is why it is so tempting to go back to the road I know by heart. Why is it so hard to let go of familiar? Nonetheless, it is good for us or not. But there is a shy wish within me that I would learn the roads of loving myself better than I do now, learn to know the person I’ve become. Hear myself better, hear myself out, do things for myself, learn to listen rather than feeding myself with assumptions and accusations that I’ve taken with me throughout the years.656443868

Pics are from Giethoorn, Utrecht and Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Virtual Reality

I could not do anything else than let it all go or was it only a brief idea to let it all go but I just ended up putting on virtual reality gadgets just to forget all of this. Nothing really matters as soon as I get rid of the emptiness that I carry, please give me anything that makes me ignore the questions and answers I’m supposed to have answers for or I think I should have answers for. You make me flow and I don’t even know you but I wish I could understand how you make my whole body bloom. How you make me get in lost in a moment where my past doesn’t mean anything and there is no future, yet. Nothing matters. What is the trick? I keep moving forward and ask myself, why? Soon as the reality kicks in I’m paralysed. One, none and thousand thoughts running in my mind and I try to catch the so-called voice within.

1585544370I fight against all of it and I tied the knot with my backpack a long time ago. It gives one that newlywed glow. Flying over the moon and back with the destined soulmate they write all the songs for. It seems that you’ve calculated the perfect trajectory to fly over life. Fly like an eagle, swim like a shark, do everything so effortlessly like it would be natural to you. You start to believe the illusion you’ve created for yourself until you’re caught without a guard. Who are you then? Do we just change the virtual reality glasses to another pair, tell everyone that we are now enlightened? That things we didn’t understand before are now clear. We develop, grow, move forward… or do we just stay in the same place and change those glasses to trick ourselves to think we are ‘developing’?697467482You’re pushed to change, you hear ‘only change is permanent’, it is like knowing oneself has become something you can consume. Meaning, that ‘being oneself’ is reduced to a concept that will give clear ROI numbers. However, at the same time, it reduces the way one is seen and packs all of it into tightly predetermined categories. I want to get rid off those chains I’ve created for myself and those once that lurked into my life by the idea of whom I’m supposed to be in this world. But I don’t want to rebel, I want to understand myself, not through commercialised images of ‘self-development’, out of context ‘empowering’ memes or books that will let you know that you’re or not special snowflake but by dropping myself into the ocean and seek deep. I seek an answer for; who am I? Not who I am through someone else’s virtual reality glasses.2053876094

Pictures are from Sant’elia and Scilla, Calabria, Italy.

Plug in Baby

It took me over like a wave. First, I didn’t realise why all of a sudden I was going through such an intense emotions. There is nothing particularly exciting about downloading Photoshop on a computer. Of course, I can’t lie, I was quite excited about this fact because it was one of those things I’ve been postponing for (insert all possible excuses here) too long. However, this wave of emotions was something I’ve long forgotten. Throughout feeling that flows inside of you and you think; why on earth I feel like crying? Not because you feel sad or hurt but because of the overall understanding of something sweet, something that once you were not able to quite grasp. A memory, which is not like a sharp blade anymore, it will not cut it how it used to be. Now, it is more gentle, it accepts and understands better. It is there, it is part of my story, it is something that happened to me, to us.

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I’m looking at it with the glasses of life, it is not black it is not white, it is the perfect combination of all those intense feelings but time has moulded it into this unbelievable extraordinary feeling I was reacting with my whole body and mind. Earlier that day my friends were showing pictures from Japan where they’ve just been. I stop them when I saw a picture of 4 LPs they have bought, apparently, all of them are from a Japanese band called Fox Capture Plan. I’ve never heard about them before but I thought maybe I should give them a shot and later that night I picked one of their albums randomly in Spotify and pressed play and started my mission for the night; download Lightroom and Photoshop.

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My kind of favourite album is something that works as a one piece, something that flows from one track to another. Therefore I rarely look at the tracks before I give an album a shot. Only on limited occasions if a specific song stands out, I go back to check the name of it and even more rarely I add it to a playlist. There was something special about a song that was on from a random Fox Capture Plan album. Melody was so familiar, it shook me like a blender, right into the memory land. What is this? Where I’ve heard this song before?? And I go check the song…realising it is a cover…it is a cover of a song I’ve not heard in years. A song that connects so tightly to a certain place and time in my life. You really can’t escape the distinct melody of this song. It might be a good rock song but when you add a spice of a memory to go with it, the meaning of the song cannot equal anymore only to its musical value. It equals to the memory, clearly even when the rock song transforms into a modern jazz cover leaving the electric guitar out which basically makes the original song. So, plug in baby, bring it on. I didn’t remember how you used to make me feel. How you clearly can still take me miles away.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the songs, here are the links to original Muse song and cover by Fox Capture Plan:

Pics are from Malmö, Sweden.

Meaning of Nothingness

It is somehow hard to put my mind anywhere, it feels like I would be here, now, but what does it mean? Absence of meaning makes it hard to make decisions. Sense of nothingness, overall idea that we would really have some say in our lives, but I feel powerless facing the faceless. It lurks in every aspect of my being, nothing really doesn’t matter. Matter itself, this ideal that there is meaning for us in here. If there is, I’ve lost it and it seems that I can’t find it. What gives us meaning?

830394448I typed the question into my browser and pressed search, waiting for an answer ’42’ to appear in my screen. It is just a number, piece of data, meaningless without understanding how it is created. Is it same with our lives, are we too anxious to look at KPIs that we set for ourselves? ‘Meaning of it all, exceeding the expectations!’ We focus so much on the outcomes that we forget, what it is that actually creates those numbers. What is worth of a spreadsheet of numbers if you don’t know how you collected and created the data in the spreadsheet? Is it really our purpose to have this run-race for everything, measuring what we are in the face of society in this competition conducted by something invisible. And most of the time we are blind to even notice that we are once again on that race horse. Or were we ever off it?

1100035931Blind to notice, but what is it then we are suppose to notice? I’m struggling a lot with the idea of ‘knowing what I want’ and I wonder…’where to get the answer, silly thought to think the answer knows where to go‘, what kind of picture I’m creating, how is all of this supposed to tied up to a story? My story, it seems that I don’t own it, I’m just moving along with time, without understanding or noticing the underlying active network, which is shaping my life.

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Pics are from Copenhagen from past few months.

Wild West

Hello, from the lonely writer’s island. I’m looking at that blank space on my computer screen, trying to find some words to describe anything. Lately I’ve end up with questions, numerous questions but I can’t come up with other content. I feel like there would be so much to say but at the same time there is none. Calm before storm? Am I just over it? I’m wondering. What if there is only certain amount of words one could use and my bank is empty. Mostly, it just feels like I’m stuck in the same old pattern, like I would be repeating myself again, again and again. How much one needs to push before change can happen? I have glimpse of a memory how it felt like, when you feel the need to write. Without thinking, without forced effort.

I miss it, I miss that feeling to just describe life. Maybe it is more than that, I miss feeling, touching, experiencing, being curious, laugh wholeheartedly. Stableness, I don’t understand it. It is unfamiliar to me and when I try to live in that world, first thing in my mind is just to take off like a storm. My comfort zone is in change, not because it would be easy but it keeps mind busy. But being stable in one place, I’m so afraid that I will miss something. We have only one life, what if I don’t have time to see it all? I end up with yes –syndrome, because every no, is a no in my eyes for a possible greatness. This is why I struggle to say no, even at moments my intuition is screaming no.

So, here I am sitting on my bed wishing to find that lost flow. In that life I wanted, what I wished for but I still struggle. I’m independent to a fault, because it is all I’ve ever known. So, how do you make zebra’s stripes vanish? How do you mild the fire for exploring? Or do you just put more fuel into the fire and let that passion for exploring flow stronger than ever before?

Pictures are from Christiania, Copenhagen.

Paris & Wondering Heart

Paris was stunning, just like I remembered. It was magical to see 14th of July celebration in France. We started evening with picnic (including some cheese, crackers and champagne) and made our move to Champ De Mars afterwards. I remember Eiffel Tower’s surroundings quite well from 2013 when I first visited Paris. Back then I was amazed of it all but there was something special this time around. We walked whole day in a perfect weather from alley to alley and I had camera glued to me. You know, one of those moments you share with someone and you think still after days and weeks; were we actually there? Was it real? One of the best things about traveling is to experience something new, something that is different from what you are used to. 14th of July this year included the best parts of traveling and sharing it all with a good friend. Not much more you can ask for a memory?

First things first, you know that you speak Finnish on a ‘fast mode’ when security person asks: are you from Italy? This happened when we entered Champ De Mars. In Finland Independence Day celebration is devoted and quiet. It is about getting together, eating well, burning two candles and watching president shaking hands with people. Although, one factor could be that this day is in December, which of course makes it a tap too cold season to celebrate outside in our levels (and I do love the way we celebrate Independence Day). Which in contrast made Paris experience so special, because setting, weather and atmosphere were so divergence from Finnish way. Luckily I had someone with me to translate everything, it does make a difference to have someone with you that understands the local language. And well, those fireworks were stunning:

I’ve been thinking what it is with traveling, why do I love it? And I haven’t find the answer to that question yet but what I’ve come peace with lately is my wondering heart. My wondering heart is still exploring and it might continue this wondering for the rest of my life. But what is different now is that I’m starting to accept this, I’m on a process where I can accept that I don’t know where I see myself settling down. Accept that I don’t know where my place is. But I will keep wondering, I will keep exploring and maybe one day I notice I’m right there where I’m supposed to be. But before that, I will go back to memory land and post some pics from Paris ❤

Shame on you!

Shame on you. Have I ever thought what this actually means? After finishing Brené Brown’s I thought it was just me, a book about shame I felt like someone would have hit me with a glass of ice cold water. I knew that this book would probably be a good read, what I was not expecting was how concept of shame was presented in the book. Do you know that feeling of being wired wrong? Like there would be something broken within you which can’t be fixed? That is a shame, right there making its special delivery of greetings just for you. What I didn’t realise before was the distinction of shame and guilt. I’ve been fairly keen on mapping them into same category, like they would be equal, same. But what it is then that separates these two? Well, it is the way of viewing of situations, if you wear shame glasses it looks like you, as a person and human being are alone in this world and only one wired wrong. You would always be an ounce less human than the others. Guilt on the other hand would cover feeling that one of your actions are wrong. Your action is the problem, not what or who you are. Guilt makes us apology and change our behaviour. Shame on the other hand is harder feeling to deal with, most of the time we would run away from it like a Usain Bolt runs 100m or try to avoid it with any cause; blaming others or hindering it with addiction just to name a few. What all of this then means in our lives?

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At least for me it gave a name for this feeling of falling from a cliff and not knowing when I will hit the bottom. I’ve been struggling with that sense of nothingness in me, something that would hit me with no reason (or more likely with no rational reason) at all, something that left me always feel like ‘I’m the only person who feels like this or I’m just a terrible human being’. I got a tool to look at this feeling with different gadget than before, not thorough shame but through glasses of understanding. Could I be capable to show myself the same compassion and empathy I can show to others? This would be the hot key or potato to deal with (and certainly not the first or last time I’m exploring roots of this idea). It is not so much the concept of being emphatic, loving and compassionate person towards yourself it is the action itself that seems to be the tough part. It is like learning a new skill; first you will make a lot of mistakes but more your practice, better you become but still even though you’ve mastered the skill there would be mistakes every here now and then, because we are humans and as capable we are, we make mistakes, it is part of our nature.

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Why it is so much easier to remember the human factor when dealing with others? But for oneself it is so hard? It is like writing a script for ‘robot me’ and then pressing ‘play’ just to find out that there is always things happening when the show starts that you can’t anticipate beforehand, making the play look more like a human trying to act like a robot. That sounds more of a sitcom rather than a perfectly executed drama to me. It is that idea of perfectionism that haunts me, I know that life is a sitcom, perfectly executed drama just can’t touch that feeling of leaving office on a Friday and by the time you are on a way to metro station you spot an interesting news article on a social media and decide to read it on a go. Of course you get so into it that you would not notice the crack on a pavement and boom you find yourself lying on a street happy about the fact that nothing is broken (and by this I mean also the phone) and you’re still alive and kicking. Robot would have just avoid the crack and this incident would have never happened, not a sitcom material.

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Why do we then keep telling ourselves and others to feel ashamed of ourselves? If we know that these feelings are not going to help us anywhere. Should we take another perspective into this whole matter and try to learn ways to prevent this approach. Should we first take a glance at ourselves, learn to understand ourselves better. Look back at that feeling, maybe even afterwards, why did I react this way? But looking back with curiosity of knowing not with punishment of being less human than the others. Maybe then we understand what went wrong and instead of punishing our whole existence, we might make the change that we need rather than taking the nearest exit to avoid the feeling.

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Pics are from lovely Copenhagen ❤

Seagull

I think it is safe to say spring 2017 is here according to the happenings of yesterday. It all started at 7pm when I met one of my colleagues in Nørreport before we walked to the Illum rooftop terrace (last part of that journey we used a lift). I was a tap early so as I stayed in sun for a while before the day turned into night I saw first public act of procedure you usually do in the toilets this year. Definitely sign that the weather is indeed getting warmer this was followed with a group of guys with bikes, beer and some imitations of a singing, or I think it was actual singing, but for sure if the birds started their singing lessons already few weeks back I think our race is following slow but steadily into the same tunes. I already dared the weather before I left the house and decided that it is time for leather jacket and heels and I survived so that adds on to this ‘Spring 2017 here now’ list.

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I think terrace is already giving some hints of the lovely breeze of summer that is around the corner. There I was, watching Christiansborg palace when it was bathing in last sparks of the sunset. At that moment I saw a seagull flying towards our table…and in those few seconds I had time to think before this creature would fly over, I  had a thought that this is not looking good at all… and in that moment I just hear ‘splash’ and there it was, in the middle of the menu I was reading; a white pod 😀 I’m not sure where this seagull wanted to aim, so giving score on how well this duty went would not make sense as I don’t know the background of this mission. In any case, we were having sort of a farewell party for few of my colleagues and this menu was from Italian restaurant (Rossopomodoro: recommendation if you want a view, nice food and drinks) and as lucky I was to have the package to land on the menu, apparently it is also sign for a good luck. This warmed my heart when our waitress told this while picking up the not so neat menu… Yesterday’s signs were pointing at spring quite heavily one could say.

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So, besides this awesomeness of spring being here and me being extra excited about it, I will also share few pics from Louisiana Museum of Modern Art which is a place you should definitely go if you’re visiting Copenhagen! I try to come up with a post of the museums in here after I’ve checked few more of them but Louisiana stole my heart and I’m now happily owning a one year card in there.

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Confessions of a single traveller

I started to write this post already a couple weeks back but because I had some difficulties to put it up in public it is here now. Pics are from Copenhagen from the past weeks, I will do separate post from Helsingør where I went yesterday. But now on to the post I kind of don’t want to and same time want to write.

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Today on this perfect sunny day I decided to pay a visit to some of the tourist spots here in Copenhagen (also I continued a search of that n.1 Café Latte in here more about that on next post). But while exploring the city and doing one of my favourite things (photographing) I did get that blue cloud above my head. And I could choose to ignore it and just write a post about what I did today, show these pics that I took on a perfect day. I just chose to take this post into another direction, maybe one could say to the shadows 😀

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Sometimes, it is just damn hard to do stuff alone. There it is, I said it. I’m that person who would want to act like that sentence is not happening in life, like that could be something that I can happily just put into a box and send it to somewhere (READ: meaning that this doing things alone would not get me, it does). Today was one of those days that as much as I enjoyed photographing (I got some sweet shots) and spending some quality time with myself, I just kind of wished I could have shared it with someone. This would not be the first time, I remember quite clearly one of the most overwhelming moments in my life when I was standing in Central, Hong Kong looking back to TST and just cried. Because I was somewhere where I always wanted to be. But inside I felt so lonely it was painful. As a consequence of equation of trying to cope with that pain and dream coming true I just didn’t find any other way to deal with that situation than being by the water and cry my eyes out. Today’s feeling was more like a whining undertone trying its best to ruin my day. But still, as far as I’m standing with my own two feet as an independent woman, I still can’t help myself of feeling isolated every here and there from the world because I do so much alone.

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Isolation is hard, it is that feeling of being an elephant in an antique store or that you would wear a cap with Las Vegas lights screaming in all colours and sparkles ‘WEIRDO’ ‘ALIEN’ ‘KEEP AWAY YOU MIGHT GET HURT’. Which of course inside of your head turns into behaviour pattern of trying to act as normal as you can (for me trying this is most of the time quite hard… in other words; I think I just don’t deliver this ‘normal’ well). As a consequence you might as well look like a lost little puppy, which is not helping that mission of not being noticed. And I’ve been going this thing over and under, sidewalks and highway and come to the conclusion that some of the traits I have in me, I can’t fully nourish when I’m alone (of course this goes other way around too there are things that I prefer to do alone).

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I’m a bit shy (everyone who knows me, yes this happens 😀 ) when I’m alone and this has an effect on me when I’m taking photos. Sometimes I might not take a shot just because I feel that I might disturb someone or will be out of my ‘normal zone’ and surprisingly I usually feel not to be in that ‘normal zone’ when I’m with someone I feel comfortable to be with. Feelings of excitement (which I personally get from anything like today when I saw two swans eating in a pond) are supposed to be shared with someone, they bottle up inside and withers without expression. Sharing parts of your life in somewhere else than in social media gives you a sense of belonging. Therefore, one of the most hardest things when moving a place or traveling a longer time alone is not how to do things by yourself. The hard part is when you feel like sharing a moment with someone else and you can’t.

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