Change

Pics from Peak and Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong

I don’t want to be here, in this spot like this anymore, alone. Everything around me feels not real, not honest. I’m trying to find my way in this jungle, but all I seem to do is lose the last contacts to the real world. It could be transformation, maybe it is a beginning. But there is so much pain to it, to that whole process. How did I end up in here? How that little girl, with dreams and creativity in her, wind up to a place of killing that creativity and those dreams? When passion for life and eager to know was exchanged to chair, computer and consuming? I’m closing my eyes, and trying to find that signal to guide me to right place, but all I can hear is noise and echo. Echo of the past, and noise of what is yet to come. How to find the way to hear oneself in this moment? How to find a way to shut down those echoes and stop worrying about noise of what you should be?

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I just want to be me. In here, at this moment. With all my energy, give the best of me. But I have lost it. I’ve lost that ability to listen, and be present. Or was it that 5-7 hour time difference? Or was it just that I’ve changed? But for good or worse? Maybe I had the idea of me, capable of facing everything by myself. But what if the consequence of that is the absence of those you really want in your life? Or is that only an echo from past, trying to get you to that place where you used to be but which is never coming back? Thought of moments you used to have, shared life and that connection that once was there. Maybe it is there, clear to everyone else but not for me. Life moves, it takes you to sideways, back and forth… sometimes fast forward and time to time, it makes moves that you once thought would never be possible. Life comes like a ninja and cut those lines you thought would be there, strings you thought were stronger.

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But half a globe is a long way. It is more than miles, continents or time. It is billions of people, cultures, poverty, nature, heartaches, life, big moments, small moments… It is like living in a totally different Universe, and it is same for those living in other side of it. There is burden of not understanding what is happening on the other end, and hardness to describe the life in a world your employment licence says alien. It is in those moments you wish you could just teleport someone into the spot, where you know that you could show something that the other one would absolutely love (and no it is not showing in pictures) but you can’t. Those moments when you’re all by yourself, alone in a storm and you can’t just walk to those people you used to and put a kettle on, and after that make at least weather forecast of future happenings if the storm wouldn’t go away at that moment.

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We so often understand (I do too) things and situations from worst case scenario point of view. Therefore, we understand and analyse situations from perspective that someone wants bad for us, or wants to hurt us. When in real world, in most of the cases we just make mistakes. We are in storms, trying to find our place and love in this world. And sometimes it hits us harder than we think it would. And sometimes we pour ourselves, we hurt ourselves and find ourselves in edge of losing our minds. That is the place where we’re most selfish, as we don’t see anyone else than ourselves. It is a hard part to be for those around you. It is hard place for one on that edge too, but it is even worse when the storm goes away and you get yourself back on your feet and there is the mess you made because you saw only yourself. Is it then, when the real strength is tested? Is it after that when you really find out, who you become and who are there for you, even when you’ve made mistakes and acted selfish?

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What is on the plate for today?

Pictures are from Disneyland Hong Kong!

When life hits you hard, you should hit back harder. You know those moments where you just want to tell the Universe that this thing what you’re going through is so wrong and unnecessary? Like, this is not at all what I ordered! I’ve never ate with chopsticks before, where is my fork?! You could stay there and lie down and wait someone would bring that fork to you or maybe try with the chopsticks. I’ve always had my issues with ‘blue eye syndrome’ and this week I got another lesson from that syndrome. I have the feeling I would like to yell; give that fork to me! Plus I didn’t even want to eat this cake (again)! So, don’t serve it to me.

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I got my usual reaction to things, which is looking back to myself and see where I went wrong. What I did wrong in this particular incident. But this time I think I will try another way to eat the cake, or actually it is not my cake so I will leave it alone. It should be served to someone else, not to me.  Maybe for once it is time for me to look at the other and say, actually this is your fault not mine. Maybe this time I couldn’t do anything differently, how could I’ve known? So, instead of losing one of my favourite qualities in me, which is ability to go with the feeling, and flow with my heart open. I will just drop the bomb which is against all the self-helping books in the market and state that this was not my fault, it was the other person. See, I blame someone else on this (this is not highly recommended to all issues in life, just as a bit reminder that sometimes someone else might also make a mistake)!

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I’m coming to some kind of a conclusion with this whole me jumping into things without doubt, and with the faith that the other people will do it with same faith and trust. Instead of ‘I will become ice queen, and everyone else will burn’ kind of thoughts after getting some hit because I’ve trust someone and it would not end up that good I will try in calm manner just be ‘too bad for you’. Additionally harsh fact for that ice queen: why on earth I would change something that could be considered one of my best qualities? One of the things I actually value, and love about myself? Not going to happen. There is too many ice queens in this world, and at the moment I’m just happy I’m not one of them (and I don’t want to become one). It took me quite a long time to realise, that this is the part of me that I actually do love. I hope this enlightenment will stay also for the next time somebody comes to me with a cake that I’m not supposed to eat. I can just make that quirky smile and say ‘actually that is yours to eat’.

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