When old filter don’t apply anymore. Yesterday night was one of those evening which you just want to put into a picture frame of your memory land and keep it there. It was one of those perfect days, summer Finnish summer, I just can’t describe how it effects on a person (effect is positive). Every damn year, after winter when we get the first sparkles of summer this country makes a completely 180 degree shift from looking like a bunch of zombies from night of the living dead into scenery from fear and loath in Las Vegas (please exclude drugs because Sun is giving us that D vitamin sparks and it shows). So yesterday I happened to had first ice cream of the year (and yes, as a classic I almost dropped it), went to coast and had a glass of wine with one of my best friends since I was in diapers. This existence crises I’m going through with myself is getting comedic aspects and if I would be a bit more of a ‘clever person’ I think I would be already in this ‘zen’ –place, but smart maybe, clever no. So, as I’m trying to convince myself about that fact that, even when I’m in this ‘I don’t know what I want from life, I don’t know who I am’ –phase, there will not be time like this in my future life.
Time where I’m free to go and do whatever it is I want to do. Like, I could just go online now, buy a ticket to a flight in 2 hours and just go. Time, where I don’t have to think about anyone else while I’m making my decisions considering my life. To be completely honest, I do have my moments of despair where I’m like, what on earth is wrong with me?! But I get back into my usual mood of doing what I want and hope someone is fast enough to catch me or vice versa. This whole ‘trying to figure things out’ –mode has almost driving me insane in last couple years and I’m not sure is it the ‘summer is coming’ –spirit or just some weird notification from brain to me saying you’re mature enough , I had enlightenment in a local bus this week while I was going back to city from work. This thought, that usually is considered as self-evident; every time nonetheless the time and space, life has always directed me to somewhere. Sometimes by a surprise, sometimes by years of hard work and in occasions it has been a combination of those two. Not all experiences hold a special mark for us, but sometimes we were there to teach something to someone else. Some of the moments were painful, exhausting even life threatening, but still every time I’ve walked away with something.
So, why I’m so worried about me not finding my way? Why I’m so worried that I will not grow to a person I think I’m supposed to? Why I’m scared not understanding myself, others, life? Because from time to time, from places to outer space, I’ve find my way in here. Why I or life would stop into this moment? Because it would not, it would always move forward and I could not return to this, after it changes. Change happens, always but how to remember in all moments that this is not happening again? Taking all out of it, all out of that moment and phase in your life because it is only half of a thing that could change your whole life, without even noticing it. So, I decide to move that filter that has been altering my existence for a past couple years, and try to see my life with a different pair of glasses. And so far, I’m liking it (PS. I still find myself thinking about basically everything in the middle of the night, but it does not bugger me that much anymore).
Pics are from lovely Helsinki soaking in sun and from first of May celebration plus some last year Shenzhen Spring feelings!