Million Reasons

Some odd reason relationships and commitment has been on my mind lately. It could be that there has been so many things considering these issues in my close friendships that I felt to write about this. How to make that decision to stay in a relationship? And on the other hand what tells one to exit? Every relationship looks like the ones who are in it and only those two knows exactly what is going on between them. What I’ve learned in late years is that most of the times one is too blind to see own barriers and locks that prevents the relationship to evolve. And I see this in me too, everyone has their baggage of prior relationships, heartbreaks and past.

There is always those things no one wants to hear about like timing and of course the fact that you can’t change the other person. Change oneself is hard and for some reason we often find it easier to try to change everything else in our lives but not ourselves. What makes us turn our head away from ourselves? What is the distraction and why it is so much ‘easier’ to see mistakes in others? Loving oneself with whole heart is challenging, because we tend to push things that threatens our world view to subconscious. Therefore we don’t have to deal with those thoughts and same time we easily strengthen those old thoughts and ideas we have about ourselves. This creates dissonance within, because we change and evolve but if we close our eyes from that change we live and stay in life that fit previous versions of ourselves. Which could led into situation when you have everything you ever wish for but it seems that something is off.

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It is hard to look back at that map and compass and decide to go to south when you have traveled to north east for years, especially when you know there is storm you have to go through if you change your direction. I thought if I just throw that anchor into water and stay for a while, I would find that place that is meant to me. Just to notice that being still would not make me happy, that I would need to take that leap and travel to south, even when it didn’t seem to be rational at all. Waiting for something to happen is painful and draining, sometimes only option is to lift up that anchor from the sea and continue. Let go of those thoughts of what could have been and take the chance to access something new. But making that decision to move on is one of the hardest things to do. Even when you know that this is what I have to do to keep that fire inside me live, it is hard to let go when love is involved…will it always come down to love? And is it that paradox of love that makes it hard for us to stay or go?

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Rock n Roll Suicide

I don’t know what to write. I have no clue. No freaking clue. I’ve moved back to Finland, it is a huge change and I can’t come up with anything to write about. It could be because I’m still in a shock within this change. In a way there is so many things that reminds me about past. Like today when I was doing some cleaning and feeling a bit blue, I saw a dog having some extra fun in snow. Like going completely mental and first I smiled, but then I just broke down in tears. It was just those moments that reminds you of someone, and this particular incident reminded me of my dog. And for some reason at that time being I was listening to David Bowie’s Rock n Roll Suicide and like dozens of times before, I was crying while this tune was on. It is my go to song when I need strength. And I have no actual clue why I would need that much of strength at the moment. But for some reason I feel like I would have had huge battle and I would be so worn out of it that anything could trigger me, like a dog having blast in snow while there was one of the best days in Finland this year so far (sun shining from clear blue sky).

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So, there I was crying my heart out and trying to use vacuum cleaner at the same time. It was one of those moments I felt I just wanted to go to my bed and just broke into 100000000 pieces. Or be more specific it would not be my bed, but almost there. Everything from past is here, but same time nothing is the same. And to be more specific I’m not the same woman I was when I left Finland almost 3 years ago. But still some things feels the same, some places just makes me wonder, if I would have been able to see a bit further I would have avoid so much pain. I would have actually seen that I can survive and I will survive from a lot more than I was able to even imagine in that exact spot years ago. It is funny how everything seems so big, huge and impossible in that moment, something you could never get over. That Mount Everest you have to climb without proper gear. And somehow you always find yourself standing with your own two feet afterwards, sometimes you need your friends or family to hold you still for a while to get energy back from that trip that drawn a lot form you but still you’re standing. I think I’m standing at the moment. I wish I could feel all that energy but it is not here yet. I’m waiting that moment when I have my flat and I can just stay in for the whole day if I feel like it. When I have that place I can go to and actually undo my luggage.

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I feel like I’m still on that plane, where I made that decision to move back to Finland or crossing border to Hong Kong for a last time in a while and giving that long hug to one of my closest friends in Shenzhen. Or that goodbye the day before my flight when I run to red line in MTR as fast as I could and my friend did the same but just to catch blue line. That last night out which I almost cancelled because I thought I would not have enough people coming and in the end there were not enough space in one table for us in Futian Kitchen. My favourite sushi place in Buji where I accidentally went last day it was open. I’m living my life in Helsinki but part of me is still somewhere else and I’m not sure is that part supposed to come back to me anymore. It feels a bit like a new born, next chapter where I have to build new me. Where I have to give up on certain things to get something else into my life. It is just hard and I’m clinging into something I had in China. Even when I have everything sorted out here in Helsinki. I’m so un-balanced it feels like ceasefire inside me but I’m not used to that. I’m used to war inside me. Pulling those bigger guns into the game but now there is weird peacefulness in this moment and I have no clue how to deal with that.

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Change

Pics from Peak and Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong

I don’t want to be here, in this spot like this anymore, alone. Everything around me feels not real, not honest. I’m trying to find my way in this jungle, but all I seem to do is lose the last contacts to the real world. It could be transformation, maybe it is a beginning. But there is so much pain to it, to that whole process. How did I end up in here? How that little girl, with dreams and creativity in her, wind up to a place of killing that creativity and those dreams? When passion for life and eager to know was exchanged to chair, computer and consuming? I’m closing my eyes, and trying to find that signal to guide me to right place, but all I can hear is noise and echo. Echo of the past, and noise of what is yet to come. How to find the way to hear oneself in this moment? How to find a way to shut down those echoes and stop worrying about noise of what you should be?

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I just want to be me. In here, at this moment. With all my energy, give the best of me. But I have lost it. I’ve lost that ability to listen, and be present. Or was it that 5-7 hour time difference? Or was it just that I’ve changed? But for good or worse? Maybe I had the idea of me, capable of facing everything by myself. But what if the consequence of that is the absence of those you really want in your life? Or is that only an echo from past, trying to get you to that place where you used to be but which is never coming back? Thought of moments you used to have, shared life and that connection that once was there. Maybe it is there, clear to everyone else but not for me. Life moves, it takes you to sideways, back and forth… sometimes fast forward and time to time, it makes moves that you once thought would never be possible. Life comes like a ninja and cut those lines you thought would be there, strings you thought were stronger.

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But half a globe is a long way. It is more than miles, continents or time. It is billions of people, cultures, poverty, nature, heartaches, life, big moments, small moments… It is like living in a totally different Universe, and it is same for those living in other side of it. There is burden of not understanding what is happening on the other end, and hardness to describe the life in a world your employment licence says alien. It is in those moments you wish you could just teleport someone into the spot, where you know that you could show something that the other one would absolutely love (and no it is not showing in pictures) but you can’t. Those moments when you’re all by yourself, alone in a storm and you can’t just walk to those people you used to and put a kettle on, and after that make at least weather forecast of future happenings if the storm wouldn’t go away at that moment.

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We so often understand (I do too) things and situations from worst case scenario point of view. Therefore, we understand and analyse situations from perspective that someone wants bad for us, or wants to hurt us. When in real world, in most of the cases we just make mistakes. We are in storms, trying to find our place and love in this world. And sometimes it hits us harder than we think it would. And sometimes we pour ourselves, we hurt ourselves and find ourselves in edge of losing our minds. That is the place where we’re most selfish, as we don’t see anyone else than ourselves. It is a hard part to be for those around you. It is hard place for one on that edge too, but it is even worse when the storm goes away and you get yourself back on your feet and there is the mess you made because you saw only yourself. Is it then, when the real strength is tested? Is it after that when you really find out, who you become and who are there for you, even when you’ve made mistakes and acted selfish?

Choice

I caught myself in a moment where I started to question humanity. I’ve been in this place so many times before, and I would assure that this particular incident would not change, how I feel about people. But in that fine minute I wanted to. I wanted to just give up, pack up my stuff and move into island far far away. Place, where I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone, or anyone’s behaviour. Where I wouldn’t have to use energy day after day to solve any major conflicts. Where I wouldn’t have to block bad energy, just to keep myself sane.

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There was a time, when I believed that with good energy you could just block that black. But after this year, I’ve noticed that is not the truth. Not at least, when there is only black in someone. Time after time, you notice that there is no way to change someone, or even wake them up to see. One can only change themselves, one can only wake up. But there is not going to be a kiss that will transfer this ‘dream’ we call life into fairy-tale, or a superhero who will fight their way to save you. Or someone who would stay by your side, if you choose to spread black anywhere you go and on anyone you happen to bomb into.

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Why would I talk about black and not negativity? Because emotions are right, there is place for negativity, anger, frustration, bitterness, unfairness…But when someone is living for those things. It is like someone would walk into a room, and opening a black paint and spreading it all over anyone. It is those moments when someone finds complaining about ice-cream worthwhile. When all the joy, passion and love for life has vanished from someone and they’re left only with bitterness of the things that have been happening to them, or are happening to them.

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Life is about choices, and everyone needs to take the responsibility of their actions. I’ve made the sacrifice of not being in Europe, not to see close when people I care and love grow up, make big life changes, graduates from schools… and I do live with it all the time, but I made the choice. Therefore, I either have to accept that, or make a change. We shouldn’t stuck in places that don’t feel worth to be in, not worth to live in. We shouldn’t fear about future (if someone can please remind me about this next time I’m thinking about this 4 am and can’t get sleep) and possible change, if we’re not feeling well we need change. Everyone should learn to be alone, find themselves and after that spread all that good energy around them. Because in the end, we choose what we want to spread to people around us. In the end, it is our choice to poison others, or nourish them.