Fear

Last weekend I was visiting Bologna, Italy and while enjoying the food (usually one would add weather too, but it was raining for four days 😀 like cats and dogs) and company of my beloved friend we ended up talking also a lot about fear.

1970833093There is a certain amount of not so nice words clouding around the word. It is also a powerful force over others, if you create and spread fear it will most likely grow. But how do we deal with it? What it is exactly we fear? Often it is said it is new or unfamiliar that gets into our guts. But is that true? Is it really the new we fear or old coming to an end? Nonetheless the situation, it is always hard to let go of old; good, neutral or bad. As life per usual there is no incident that would not mix all of these shades together. End result is always grey even though we would view world in that particular moment white or black. This is a plot twist we could easily forget when we are dealing with life. Although when one has seen that things can change but one can never be sure in that exact moment that things will ever be as they are; they could turn out to be anything. It is the instability of life that makes it same time so damn hard to cope with but at the same time such a blossoming experience, because everything could change in a heartbeat.

288169578More years I’ve gotten under my belt, more complex world has changed to me but at the same time life has transferred simpler for myself. I’m not sure is this due to this life long journey into oneself.  You try to find that balance inside and learn to showcase love above all towards yourself so that one day you will be able to fully demonstrate it towards everyone else. Same time you learn that there is no such thing as objectivity, all situations are related to subjectivity therefore it is hard to sometimes understand others behaviour because they are not in line with our reality, which of course is subject to our inner world and has nothing to do with objectivity (same time it gives an answer, not towards certain behaviour but answer that makes it easier to let go of not understanding).

960640284It is like this text, it is my subjective idea of whatever the topic is in here and one who reads this will interpret that against their reality. My inner reality looks most likely a lot different than yours, so are we on a same page? Or even reading same book? We would not know because our journeys looks so different, our experiences has an effect on us and as much as we work with ourselves, as much as we try to be objective we might never reach level of pure objectivity (I don’t want to say never, it is too final, end, omega, dot too ultimate). But it does not mean we should not try to be objective or that we should always be objective. We should be aware of the effects that might alter our reality, so in certain moments we won’t repeat our lives like auto pilots.

1129662413It is a huge burden placed on others if we expect them to prove our own prejudices wrong, especially if we look every single detail on that new person with a glasses someone else in our past made for us. It will tell more about that person in our past rather than the new person we are getting to know. But more importantly it might make us see others in a wrong light, not because they would be anything like that person in our past but because of something in that moment reminds us from our prior life. In those situations, are we supposed to trust our instinct? Is our instinct right? Or is our instinct actually moving us further away from something we actual need because of fear?

Pics are from Bologna, Italy

Seagull

I think it is safe to say spring 2017 is here according to the happenings of yesterday. It all started at 7pm when I met one of my colleagues in Nørreport before we walked to the Illum rooftop terrace (last part of that journey we used a lift). I was a tap early so as I stayed in sun for a while before the day turned into night I saw first public act of procedure you usually do in the toilets this year. Definitely sign that the weather is indeed getting warmer this was followed with a group of guys with bikes, beer and some imitations of a singing, or I think it was actual singing, but for sure if the birds started their singing lessons already few weeks back I think our race is following slow but steadily into the same tunes. I already dared the weather before I left the house and decided that it is time for leather jacket and heels and I survived so that adds on to this ‘Spring 2017 here now’ list.

604515573

I think terrace is already giving some hints of the lovely breeze of summer that is around the corner. There I was, watching Christiansborg palace when it was bathing in last sparks of the sunset. At that moment I saw a seagull flying towards our table…and in those few seconds I had time to think before this creature would fly over, I  had a thought that this is not looking good at all… and in that moment I just hear ‘splash’ and there it was, in the middle of the menu I was reading; a white pod 😀 I’m not sure where this seagull wanted to aim, so giving score on how well this duty went would not make sense as I don’t know the background of this mission. In any case, we were having sort of a farewell party for few of my colleagues and this menu was from Italian restaurant (Rossopomodoro: recommendation if you want a view, nice food and drinks) and as lucky I was to have the package to land on the menu, apparently it is also sign for a good luck. This warmed my heart when our waitress told this while picking up the not so neat menu… Yesterday’s signs were pointing at spring quite heavily one could say.

1279331094

So, besides this awesomeness of spring being here and me being extra excited about it, I will also share few pics from Louisiana Museum of Modern Art which is a place you should definitely go if you’re visiting Copenhagen! I try to come up with a post of the museums in here after I’ve checked few more of them but Louisiana stole my heart and I’m now happily owning a one year card in there.

85938879016242188561499795463201571177615649825335624108631547825924

 

Moderat

I usually don’t like to talk about my experiences in first hand. It seems, well too close like I would reveal too much of myself. I write about my life but there is always certain filters or I write it in a wider perspective that only relates to my life. But Sunday nights experience was something different. There is a certain euphoria to music and I’m just experiencing that for a third day in a row after Moderat’s live gig I saw on Sunday in Helsinki. And I was expecting a lot, it didn’t help that my friend put some gas into fire before the gig and described last live sets he saw with a words that doubled that critical mind of mine with expectations.

1733040772Usually expectations are bad, they ruin everything. It is Russian roulette where you wish that you would not get that bullet. Therefore I try not to expect, life is simpler that way. But for Moderat I just couldn’t do it, too much emotional baggage loaded into every beat, melody or a pause. Little did I know when I found Rusty Nails from my friend’s playlist in 2013 that it would be one of the biggest treasures for that year to carry along with me. And when I heard the first beats of Rusty Nails on Sunday, that extended version topped up with visuals and extremely talented playing I just felt small. Actually I felt small for the whole 2h gig, it is almost impossible to find something that is so well thought and executed with level of perfection with edge that keeps it still real, tangible and close. But all of that just happened and when everyone else was able to at least burst into some kind of a words after the gig my best ‘sentence’ to come up was ‘that was solid’. And I’m still in it, there are only few things that makes me tickle more than that post euphoric feeling after a live music, especially after a live show that strikes and pokes the right way.

And when it pokes it is just a nanosecond and you are on a time travel. When I was little one of my main concerns were, how it would be in space? If I would just be there, flow in there, how it would feel? Not sure would space feel like that time traveling I experienced on Sunday but I think I was flowing. It is that feeling when you just fall into music, and it just moves through you and you completely forget place and time. There it was and I was stunned, you expect but when something goes beyond your expectations, well you’re in post-traumatic shock. And I think I’m still in it, shock I mean. Music, when it is not pretending to be anything, it becomes everything. And that is rare to find.

I have only one pic from the venue, which was taken before the show started. So for this time, I will spice this post with some tracks from Moderat.

 

AlienZombies and Other Variables

I’m here sitting by my desk, drinking that almost perfect Kaffa Latte (one of the best places to get your coffee from in Helsinki) and hope to find that missing power to finish my thesis (it is gone for today… I try tomorrow with better success I hope). I’ve been going on and off about my life this spring and seems that I can’t find a solution to that small but at the same time so big empty gap in me. It moves around, sometimes it is smaller… sometimes it feels like it will eat me alive. Like in one of those alien movies where you are not sure are you going to give a birth to an alien or actual human being (applies also to Zombie movies). And no, I’m not pregnant but for some reason this metaphor just came to my mind while I was trying to express this space inside me.

IMG_0584

When I get too much time to think (I love thinking… but as per when I’m sick and I can’t do anything else… end result is… well I think I could put it in phrase of ‘chaotic’) which I had this week due to my migraine… try to think whilst it feels like someone is banging your head with a hammer from the inside. Very happy thoughts. I got a tap better on Tuesday, so I was able to go to my courtyard to pick some food from Foodora guy, who nicely delivered it to me (that app is going to be a disaster for my wallet… luckily I don’t spend that much time home) and spared a smile. This incident already had my lips turning from this 😦 to this 🙂 .

IMG_0610

That moment didn’t last long so as I crawled back to my dungeon I already had that dark cloud above my head. Spending too much time home, while being sick (okay, I will add or in a hospital as it is almost 1 year anniversary of my China hospital experience) is just awful. You go round thoughts like ‘what if I would feel like this every day?’   ‘If this would be my last day, who I would call what would I do?’, yeah it is like someone would have unleashed also all those unfinished things which used to be under control and you would take them for a walk every now and then, with that clear goal in your mind (sometimes not so clear.. but almost there).‘Here I am, lying in bed when I could write thesis, do you have to be so lazy?! (as you could actually do anything else than try to concentrate on anything else than to get back to sleep)’ or how about that one thing you forgot to do on Monday at work? (Like that could not wait until next day).

IMG_0635

Same time you try to be reasonable and caring human being towards yourself so you try to convince yourself that all that crap about not doing anything, well it is actually crap and you should just relax and get better. And just when you have that moment of falling back to sleep usually very very very quiet up stare neighbor is starting a home renovation and it feels in that mind-set that there is at least 10 tables which are so heavy that you HAVE to drag them to right place while moving happens wearing stilettos. Best place to start that conversation with yourself ‘where from now? Should I stay, or leave?’ One can just guess where that conversation was going. So, by time 7 pm on Tuesday, I was hoping that I could just get sleep, wake up on morning and just get to work and hope that migraine is long gone. It was, and I woke up happy to a sunshine and busy day at the office. Feels like I could now have that conversation about future with myself, but I think I will first enjoy my latte, write and colour my colouring book while watching Netflix.

Pics are from Helsinki, I think I need to start to plan a new trip to get pics from somewhere else than from Helsinki.

Plot Twist

Just put a little twist on it! Earlier today I was sitting in a café enjoying that biggest latte they have in house and trying to concentrate on thesis writing after work. I have to admit that I got distracted more than once, mostly due to headache I was going through but also that fact of the weather! It is not even June yet and we are enjoying +20 already! I can’t complain, I just had to dig out my comfy jumpsuit from closet and deal with the fact that I can use this piece way earlier than I thought. Really, my glass was half empty and I thought there would not be time for me to even wear it here in Finland. Someone has proved me wrong again.

IMG_0251

But about the twist, well this weather could be called ‘plot twist’ because I think no one except Finns believes that it is actually happening but smile on my face wasn’t due to this ‘plot twist’ I’m getting quite used to it already (sun makes me smile though…always). Extra smiles for today comes from a) there happened to be two teenagers next to me in café, who would remind me of those ‘golden times’. Yes, I do remember when I had discussions about my average or someone else’s, there is a boy who plays football? There are…many, or how about just that heart-warming conversation about friendship and how whether they were from different school (nowadays it is usually country) they were still friends.

IMG_0235

On that instant I had to send a message to my partner in crime in China (and yes, I have had to answer questions about my ‘twin’, if she hasn’t been with me in certain areas in Shenzhen). She also recommended me a book called Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Nell Scovell and Sheryl Sandberg (and yes, it was a good read…), there is a lot that name can do, for example change people’s reaction on his/her personality. I have my rant post coming about women and working life, but let’s leave it now. Okay, I will add still… please women do not put the break on your career because you might be starting a family in few years. I’ve never thought about the issue from this perspective, before Lean in but I’m convinced that there is too many people driving side roads too afraid to take the motorway.

IMG_0204

As a b) when I got home today, I had a letter waiting for me. I usually don’t get letters and my aunt had asked my new address past week and when I got home I had something waiting for me;

IMG_0294

It is those little big things that can make your day shine a bit brighter than earlier. Then there is that c) and I think I could put it in a nutshell as a happiness. My friend happened to have a birthday yesterday and we had a really nice picnic in Hakaniemi including cake, champagne and friends (I think I should have not burst on to that monologue about Jon Ronson’s the Psychopath test… but I happened to finish it on Monday). There is something about this spring, I haven’t got a bright clue yet what but making Helsinki home has most to do with all those people who have taken me back into their everyday life after my time being in China. I’m so happy that I have those people in my life, making this transformation a bit easier. I’m not finished yet but maybe there is butterflies coming later this year…

Pics are from this land far far away, where sun is shining and people can wear jumpsuits in May!

Gulf of Finland

When you want to publish a post but you have no idea what to write about. My brain is working 24/7 first work, then thesis and after that everything else, I just can’t find that writing flow. Every post I’ve tried to write has been somewhat cryptic and as far as I’m concerned not on a list of ‘you really should publish this’. I just wanted to come and show some pics from last Friday when we had a get together with my colleagues. We went to a small cruise in Gulf of Finland and those views! Pretty, or more likely beautiful I would say! How all of you are feeling about it?

5292453008750829946150053101598093369

Gulf of Finland from miladyopri on Vimeo.