Rock n Roll Suicide

I don’t know what to write. I have no clue. No freaking clue. I’ve moved back to Finland, it is a huge change and I can’t come up with anything to write about. It could be because I’m still in a shock within this change. In a way there is so many things that reminds me about past. Like today when I was doing some cleaning and feeling a bit blue, I saw a dog having some extra fun in snow. Like going completely mental and first I smiled, but then I just broke down in tears. It was just those moments that reminds you of someone, and this particular incident reminded me of my dog. And for some reason at that time being I was listening to David Bowie’s Rock n Roll Suicide and like dozens of times before, I was crying while this tune was on. It is my go to song when I need strength. And I have no actual clue why I would need that much of strength at the moment. But for some reason I feel like I would have had huge battle and I would be so worn out of it that anything could trigger me, like a dog having blast in snow while there was one of the best days in Finland this year so far (sun shining from clear blue sky).

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So, there I was crying my heart out and trying to use vacuum cleaner at the same time. It was one of those moments I felt I just wanted to go to my bed and just broke into 100000000 pieces. Or be more specific it would not be my bed, but almost there. Everything from past is here, but same time nothing is the same. And to be more specific I’m not the same woman I was when I left Finland almost 3 years ago. But still some things feels the same, some places just makes me wonder, if I would have been able to see a bit further I would have avoid so much pain. I would have actually seen that I can survive and I will survive from a lot more than I was able to even imagine in that exact spot years ago. It is funny how everything seems so big, huge and impossible in that moment, something you could never get over. That Mount Everest you have to climb without proper gear. And somehow you always find yourself standing with your own two feet afterwards, sometimes you need your friends or family to hold you still for a while to get energy back from that trip that drawn a lot form you but still you’re standing. I think I’m standing at the moment. I wish I could feel all that energy but it is not here yet. I’m waiting that moment when I have my flat and I can just stay in for the whole day if I feel like it. When I have that place I can go to and actually undo my luggage.

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I feel like I’m still on that plane, where I made that decision to move back to Finland or crossing border to Hong Kong for a last time in a while and giving that long hug to one of my closest friends in Shenzhen. Or that goodbye the day before my flight when I run to red line in MTR as fast as I could and my friend did the same but just to catch blue line. That last night out which I almost cancelled because I thought I would not have enough people coming and in the end there were not enough space in one table for us in Futian Kitchen. My favourite sushi place in Buji where I accidentally went last day it was open. I’m living my life in Helsinki but part of me is still somewhere else and I’m not sure is that part supposed to come back to me anymore. It feels a bit like a new born, next chapter where I have to build new me. Where I have to give up on certain things to get something else into my life. It is just hard and I’m clinging into something I had in China. Even when I have everything sorted out here in Helsinki. I’m so un-balanced it feels like ceasefire inside me but I’m not used to that. I’m used to war inside me. Pulling those bigger guns into the game but now there is weird peacefulness in this moment and I have no clue how to deal with that.

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Kristina.

Pictures are from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

I usually would avoid this topic, avoid would not actually be the right term. It would be more in terms of ‘I will not talk about this’, I could maybe answer if someone would ask… or I might just give a long look and be quiet. But I feel that I have to. This Saturday I was on my way to Houhai, as I wanted to do some shopping. I’ve been thinking a lot lately purpose of life and how to pursue those things you want from life. When I was in Taxi, my subconscious gave me a memory. Memory of you, memory that would keep coming back to me time to time. One of the last words you said to me were something in line of: ‘They say there is a purpose for every life, I just don’t know what it was for my small life’.  And it haunts me, it haunts me that I didn’t or couldn’t answer to you. I didn’t know, I don’t know yet either. I have no clue about purpose, or more precisely about any other thing in this life. What I do remember is your energy. The way you said I could do anything I would want to, even when you were laying in a hospital bed and we both ‘knew’ what you were going through.

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I remember you from long before we became work colleagues. You were older than I was and I always admired how you could speak Russian and Estonian fluently, besides Finnish. We used to work together in summer camps and I do remember already from there how you spread good around you. It was never dull with you, and I remember laughing with you, even when I saw you last times. There was ice-cream in the hospital freezer or we would just joke about small silly things. When you passed away, it felt so wrong and unfair. It was the (big) small things you wanted, it was a job in supermarket, be at home with your dog and husband and attend your mother’s birthday. It wasn’t making that huge career, tons of money or traveling around the globe. All you needed and wanted from life was in there, but there was the but that took it away. That but would be cancer.

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And when I got that message about you not being in here anymore… I remember I couldn’t get a sleep that night. And I was in pieces, even when you knew something is going to happen you always hope. There is always that hope for a miracle. For a long time I saw you everywhere streets, restaurants… even in cities you most likely never been to. Maybe you come to me when I need it, maybe when I need that courage to push my way in this world. Because that is how I remember you, always believing in me and others. Maybe it was the simplicity you understood, the simplicity of life, if you have the right perspective. So no, I can’t answer to that question, most likely I will never have answer to that. But I will remember you. I will remember, how you made me feel that I could reach my dreams. And it was only one year later after you passed away when I found myself in Birmingham, UK and my life has never been the same after.

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Change

Pics from Peak and Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong

I don’t want to be here, in this spot like this anymore, alone. Everything around me feels not real, not honest. I’m trying to find my way in this jungle, but all I seem to do is lose the last contacts to the real world. It could be transformation, maybe it is a beginning. But there is so much pain to it, to that whole process. How did I end up in here? How that little girl, with dreams and creativity in her, wind up to a place of killing that creativity and those dreams? When passion for life and eager to know was exchanged to chair, computer and consuming? I’m closing my eyes, and trying to find that signal to guide me to right place, but all I can hear is noise and echo. Echo of the past, and noise of what is yet to come. How to find the way to hear oneself in this moment? How to find a way to shut down those echoes and stop worrying about noise of what you should be?

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I just want to be me. In here, at this moment. With all my energy, give the best of me. But I have lost it. I’ve lost that ability to listen, and be present. Or was it that 5-7 hour time difference? Or was it just that I’ve changed? But for good or worse? Maybe I had the idea of me, capable of facing everything by myself. But what if the consequence of that is the absence of those you really want in your life? Or is that only an echo from past, trying to get you to that place where you used to be but which is never coming back? Thought of moments you used to have, shared life and that connection that once was there. Maybe it is there, clear to everyone else but not for me. Life moves, it takes you to sideways, back and forth… sometimes fast forward and time to time, it makes moves that you once thought would never be possible. Life comes like a ninja and cut those lines you thought would be there, strings you thought were stronger.

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But half a globe is a long way. It is more than miles, continents or time. It is billions of people, cultures, poverty, nature, heartaches, life, big moments, small moments… It is like living in a totally different Universe, and it is same for those living in other side of it. There is burden of not understanding what is happening on the other end, and hardness to describe the life in a world your employment licence says alien. It is in those moments you wish you could just teleport someone into the spot, where you know that you could show something that the other one would absolutely love (and no it is not showing in pictures) but you can’t. Those moments when you’re all by yourself, alone in a storm and you can’t just walk to those people you used to and put a kettle on, and after that make at least weather forecast of future happenings if the storm wouldn’t go away at that moment.

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We so often understand (I do too) things and situations from worst case scenario point of view. Therefore, we understand and analyse situations from perspective that someone wants bad for us, or wants to hurt us. When in real world, in most of the cases we just make mistakes. We are in storms, trying to find our place and love in this world. And sometimes it hits us harder than we think it would. And sometimes we pour ourselves, we hurt ourselves and find ourselves in edge of losing our minds. That is the place where we’re most selfish, as we don’t see anyone else than ourselves. It is a hard part to be for those around you. It is hard place for one on that edge too, but it is even worse when the storm goes away and you get yourself back on your feet and there is the mess you made because you saw only yourself. Is it then, when the real strength is tested? Is it after that when you really find out, who you become and who are there for you, even when you’ve made mistakes and acted selfish?

Okinawa!

It’s been a while…Since I’ve got the time or energy to write. I have tons of pictures to go through. In these past few months I have faced my biggest difficulties in work life. For the first time I’ve been thinking about work life balance. It’s been over a year since I was in lecture considering the issue, and I remember that I thought ‘how on earth someone would work that much? Why would someone leave their jacket on their chair just to make it look that they would be at the office 24/7?’ Just to realize that I do work like a maniac… and I can see that my productiveness is going down because of it. So the moment when I slept only few hours before my flight to Okinawa, Japan…and when I stressed over everything in there (work and school related) I decided that was the last time I do that on vacation. I’m not supposed to live for work, I’m supposed to work to live. For some reason after my trip and couple tips from colleague to deal with stress I’ve been better.

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How was Naha and Zamami then? Lovely, absolutely stunning. Zamami was beautiful, and if I would not have 10000 other places I’m supposed to visit I would go there again in summer for couple of days. That island was just so quiet, peaceful and nature presence was everywhere. We rented bicycles with my friend and drove around the island for the whole day… we stopped at beaches, points where you could see forest and sea… to miles away. For the first time in a while I also used my camera, and felt like I wanted to take pictures with it. My soul had long for some creativeness and peace of mind. I took everything I could from my time being in there. I didn’t have the opportunity to see the whales but next time, if I happen to be around Okinawa in same time, I will for sure go to one of those trips.

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Naha was like the opposite of Shenzhen. I had forget how nice it is to ask for help and you just get smiling face. I know it is part of the service culture in Japan, but I couldn’t help but smile. The contrast was huge, and maybe there is that little tiny Finn inside me who misses nature, quiet moments and fresh air (whoop, I said that out loud!). As part of the Japanese experience we decided to go for a capsule hotel, and if you go to Naha and want to sleep in one, I would recommend the one we chose! Stuff was super nice, they spoke English, but also Mandarin and Japanese (and who knows what other languages), hostel was clean and it was 5min walk away from Monorail (just perfect)! Only complain I have from this trip is that it ended too soon… I would have loved to stay for a longer time. And for the next post I try to come up with more creative writing.

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PS. Yes, I got fooled today! I just hate this day… ! And yes, I’m as easy to fool every single day of the year. April’s fools has nothing to do with it. It is the downside of getting excited about all the little and big things! At least my colleagues had some fun today!

“Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But, I’ll have to think about it”

“Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But, I’ll have to think about it” – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

I’ve been writing my old blog for about year now, somehow I started to feel that the name and feeling of it was too much tied to Nottingham and my time being in there. This is why, I decided to create a new blog. I thought about it a quite long time, but somehow name and quote from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy just came to me. It explains my feelings and life right now pretty well, so I wanted to give it a shot. I have no clue, is anything else changing than layout but this just feels more comfortable (same time scary, just like my life…that is the combo).

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I have not introduced Shenzhen well enough yet, or at least I feel like it. I’ve been concentrating on work and uni lately, and everything else have been on ‘pause’, and I start to feel that. If I don’t have time for my natural ‘creative me time’ I get anxious. I decided that I will take the time to create and make changes to the outlook of the blog. But now when everything is all settled with that, I could actually give some insight to the city I call ‘home’ right now (will see how long, I will call it a ‘home’… but that is an another story).

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I’ve unnoticed took some stereotypes of mainlanders. Moment when you’re at the border of HK and China and you find yourself standing in a place which says ‘No waiting’ and next to you is a security guy, and you just chill out and listen to music, just like every other person who is waiting to get their friend or family through the border (we have to minus the fact that I did not have a trolley with me, but let’s forgive that). Or the moment when you squeeze from places you would never think that you could squeeze before…or when you thought in your previous mind set that ‘this tube is full’, no it wasn’t full it was half empty. It is ridiculous how many can fit into one MTR (yes, I’m looking at you Blue line, try Lao Jie and last train of the night). Sometimes, even I go ‘is that a western person?!’ and look at them like it would be weird to saw one in Longgang.

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Shenzhen to me is: loud, sometimes dirty, people everywhere, chicken and other animals too in the streets and in supermarkets (it is so weird to see that…), you pay 10RMB for a food and it is better than basically 80% of the Chinese food I have had in Finland, people smiling and giving giggle look when you try to communicate with Mandarin (I’m pro already, I don’t say anymore ‘this, thank you’ in restaurants when I’m making order, I can do ‘one portion of this, take away, thank you), you never know what is going to happen in one night, next day place you go for lunch may not have stairs anymore (true story) , or fence which is going over the office might have a door in it (it was not there last night), or maybe there is a building that was not there the other day. There is chaos every morning in Buji, it is like a jungle you have to look everywhere, and by that I don’t mean the regular Finnish style of crossing the streets (for those who have no idea what this is, this is how crossing a street is teach to us: first you look left, then right and then again left, if there is no cars you can carefully cross the street). In here you need to have eyes in your back too (and of course the light in the middle is so short that everyone is having a 100 m race to get to the other side, before it turns into red).

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Size of the city is huge, there is everything. If you’re in a need of a holiday you just go to Shekou, any of the OCT:s, Grand Theater or Window of the world (just to name few…). Those are the places I go when I need bit of a rest from everything I stated above, or just for the sake to get myself out of this world (by that I don’t mean Coco Park and bar street, I was actually talking about my Kindle, coffee and muffin form Starbucks in Grand Theater). This city has everything you thought there is, and everything that you did not know that even exists. All of this won’t mean that there is no cons. There is, as much as I love this city, it has remind me of many things I have forget, or took as a granted.

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Equality, that is one of the things I have started to appreciate even more after my time being in somewhere else than in Finland. You can really feel the difference when you cross the border of my homeland (and by no means it is perfect in Finland either, but I can see and feel the difference). Things like free education, which I have took as a granted  before, feels like one the biggest privileged I’ve got in my entire life. Even when media has become biased everywhere and there is propaganda in all of the sides, the fact that I can a) think as I want about things b) I’m encourage to look critically the  sources I use c) say my thoughts out loud, in any media I want and whomever I like is something that is not reality to everyone in this world. Actually it is quite small percentage of the population of the human beings that are able to do that. I’ve started to see world different, and same time see that things I complained about before… might have not been actual issues.

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The stories about people working 24/7  in a factories don’t seem that far away anymore. It does not sound fairy tale to make you feel bad, it is actually happening. All the time, everywhere. There is stories about the fact that human nature is this way, that how this is the way ‘the world rolls’. But when we will have enough of suffering, financial crises, recessions, killing… when the line will be crossed hands are thrown up in the air. When we will admit that maybe it is time to change the way of thinking? When we are brave enough to question all the things we are willing to buy and get in the sake of ‘happiness’? When in real world only few, or none of those things have to do with happiness. Society has created the way we have to think, and it has pour it into our heads since early childhood. We won’t even notice that this is not how I am thinking, this is how I was taught to think. Are we too afraid to question ourselves and our motives behind our actions?

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I have no answers to these questions, and there is me who loves to dress up and do shopping, me who likes to see ‘sales’ …. everywhere, who reacts back to the way things are marketed to us, me who thinks the way I was thought to think, me who put labels everywhere and sometimes acts in ways that I shouldn’t, me who hurts other people for purposes I don’t even know, me who is proud of my accomplishments, me who is selfish and silly.

So, where do all of this leads to?

“Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But, I’ll have to think about it”

42.