Life gives us lemons and we’re supposed to make lemonade out of it. I’ve been struggling to write post about this year, and what are my expectations for 2015. Because I still don’t know the receipt for the lemonade. Some of the lemons are already getting bad, better word would be rotten. And I’m just loitering this life day by day, not finding a way to live my life (I’ve started to think that maybe this ‘living my life’ thinking is also part of the perfect life dilemma I’ve written about before). Inspirational quotes which I see everywhere are trying to give a fast food kind of a solution to me. What I really need, would be something real. Not words, actual presence. I’m just too far away in who knows where, and I can’t find myself anymore. I’m sinking, and I just don’t know how to swim. I’m like a little bird who is dropped from the nest, and I better learn how to fly. Ground just keeps coming closer and closer, how on earth am I supposed to soar?
I’ve not hit the ground yet (that should be a good thing). This roller-coaster of feelings from pure hate, rage to love, from love to afraid and happiness has been hard. Most of the moments this year, I don’t know in what part of that race I was on. I caught myself so many times in middle of this ‘I’m not strong enough for this life’, where I wanted to just give up. I wasn’t prepared for any of this, and as much I had those crazy happy moments (one of them in plain while I was going to Malaysia) I did dip myself into dark waters one or two times too often. Maybe it is the age… maybe… I think it might be. I just don’t want to say that aloud.
When they say life is an open book that is exactly what happened to me this year. I surely did not know in January 2014 that in end of this year I would have not accomplished all my targets for this year (as my defence the only thing that did not happen from that list was my thesis… and I made ‘peace’ with that already in autumn because I got more responsibilities at work). What I really wanted to say was, I did not calculate into my formula that a) I would be doing my internship in China b) I would actually kind of enjoy putting myself into environment that is so far away from everything I’m used to c) I would stay here longer than my internship was for. So long London, my dream since I was a kid. I think the town might just wait, or maybe that is not the place I’m heading… Or maybe I just choose the London in Asia (Hong Kong I’m watching you).
It was indeed one crazy year, it was the year when I lived in 3 countries in two continents, when I travelled more than ever before, when my heart was broken, when I learned thing or two about friendships, when I overcome so many obstacles I didn’t even dare to think I could, when I shouted to a taxi driver and felt bad afterwards, when I saw a dead body on a street, when I spend too much money on make-ups (the usual one), when I didn’t understand a word from a conversation, when I was grateful of the fact that I was born and raised in Finland and when I understood that I’m blessed to have those people in my life I have, and for sure something can come up and take it away from me in any minute.
To wrap all this nonsense up next year is still an open book. Spring I know I will be spending on thesis and work but after that… well I think I will find out when it’s time for that. Oh, and for whoever reads this blog thanks for finding time to read all the silly things I write, and being part of this weird journey I’m traveling.
BTW I gathered some of my favorite pictures from this year into this post. Enjoy!