你不是真正的快樂 – You are not really happy

I’m standing still and I can feel the warm breeze coming towards me. I’m awfully calm, which has not been my trademark before but somehow now, in this moment I am. Jumping into a new adventure, figuring out how to make all the arrangements but it is coming, no it is not winter but something new. It was not long while ago when I sent a text to my friend saying ‘I know international career has always been my dream, but what if I’m just not meant to do it’. Because I felt that I should just leave it, I don’t know even why but in a moment of despair you say things aloud. In those cold and muddy waters, it is easy to question everything and mostly question one’s existence.

Past couple of years I’ve tried to really find who I am. It has been a roller-coaster, which has been mentally really exhausting. Jumping from the best moments in my life into black hole and back, where everyday is like riding in a taxi in Shenzhen = you never know what line the taxi will take next, where the cab is going to turn what speed it will go and is it steady or a bumpy ride. I’ve always been happy person, but there has been awful lot of moments in recent years where I had to go behind my smile. Moments where I felt I wanted to just stop being, hide from the world. I don’t even know where I found at some points the energy to force myself to move forward, but I did. It was a sudden moment this January where I caught myself smiling, not because there were specifically something that I should smile about. It was just the fact that I felt good in my life, in my ordinary life.

Today, I was sitting in my favourite café in Helsinki (Kaffa). I have tradition to start my Saturday’s in there with Café Latte and cheese croissant, while I read and write my journal (I’m reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Americanah at the moment, warm recommendation). All of a sudden speakers started to play Adele’s Hometown Glory. I’ve learned to love Helsinki, listening this song while knowingly drinking one of the last Latte’s in that café for a while created a new kind of atmosphere, which I haven’t experienced before. I will miss Helsinki and more precisely I will miss the life I had in Helsinki. But at the same time, I feel the eagerness inside of me to move to my next episode.

It is inside me, this thirst to see and experience new, see the world. Nonetheless my longing for freedom, this time leaving Finland will be different than before. This time, I had made a decision in a place and mindset where I was feeling good about my life. Couple years back if I would have gotten the opportunity I got a week ago, I would have packed my bags in that minute and leave. That was me then, now I actually used days (yes, this is a long time for me to make a decision :D) to come up with my conclusion. It was one day last week, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I jump up in my bed and my first thought was ‘Copenhagen’, which kind of sealed the decision.

So, Copenhagen, Denmark I’m ready for my next adventure.

Reminder

I was running around trying to catch something. When I finally got a glimpse of it I had forgotten what I was chasing for and all of a sudden I was in forest, which is same time so familiar and comfortable but at the same time, so enormous, something I’ve never discovered. Standing right in the middle of it, trying to figure out how I got there, but it is more than that. The stop, realisation of standing still and my past starts to paint into pictures and somehow meaningful journey. I start to understand what I was, who I was but who am I now? After all that has happened to me, who am I? What am I and where I am supposed to move from here? One could turn back and walk into old But most of the time going back suffocates, especially if the main drive to go back is the fear of new. Turning back and walking into old in that spot, in that forest feels as wrong as mixing perfume and meatballs. Still standing, looking into that forest and those remaining 364 possible paths to choose from.

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Back into square one, who am I? And what it is that lights me up, makes me feel that I am alive? Isn’t that something I should follow, but I see the goal but path to that does not seem so clear. I can only see the forest, nothing else. In that moment everything is present, all of it is in the air but my mind just can’t get a clue where to go. So, I just stand there. Something has come to an end and it is more than obvious that every time something comes to an end, something new will come. Impatience, does that make the transformation always so hard? A story of an ugly duck, who could not see what she has become. Would I always mirror back to that little insecure girl? Or would I find a way to let myself bloom and let loose of those skeletons that are still holding me back. Transformation is coloured with vulnerability, self-doubt and determination. My whole life has been balancing act of these three qualities, or act of hiding some of them. World is more complex than an individual transformation, it is easy for a western person to fall into delusion of me, myself and I. But our whole life is decisions to communicate or not to communicate with others, and these decisions have an impact on the life we create. Our surroundings also guide us to a certain solutions and outcomes with or without we acknowledge these forces or not. Still standing.

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And I wish I had the courage. The courage to move but I can’t move my feet’s and walk into undiscovered, at least not yet. And I just keep asking myself why? What it is in this time that makes me want to stay and not to move. But at the same time there is something inside of me telling that I want to move and not to stay. It is like two parallel universes trying to combine themselves into a one burrito but these two views just repel each other creating well a huge mess. It is not that I would not find things interesting, I find almost everything interesting. But it is focus that I’m lacking and my view on things are incomplete and I feel that I’m just one big question mark. In the future I would understand better, my past would present itself more simplified way, where correlations are clearer. It is challenging to make decisions. You choose one path, it prevents you to enter another which is still available in this moment. Is it ‘too much choice?’ world? Have I created this problem all by myself? Or is it just life, is life constant decisions that moves our life to certain directions? And at the end of the day, how much say so we have into our journeys? Is there a really a way for us to choose, is there a freedom to choose? And more remarkably, do these decisions we make have an impact in our lives or is it just illusion of an impact?

 

Hymn of Life

Pics are from Yayoi Kusama’s In Infinity exhibition in HAM (the piece is called Hymn of life).

I just happened to have awesome friends (as everybody else) but I just have to shout it out today! Past week I’ve been experiencing one of my favourite exhibition experiences this year, when I went to see Yayoi Kusama’s In Infinity in HAM with a friend, she is someone who will always take me as I am even during those times when I’m running in circles (or when she is waiting me outside of surgery room but let’s not go there). This was topped by finishing my BBA and having couple drinks in Steam with someone I have not known for so long, but who has been inviting me everywhere this year and has made settling back to Finland a lot more easier. Then there is my childhood friend who just came back from Australia and besides the fact that she is awesome, she knows me as I know my shoes and other way around and she visited me couple days ago. How about a bit of my ‘listening her life story everyday’ ‘supporting her in any decisions she makes’ –friend who happened to had Birthday party this Monday, it is not appropriate to forget to mention me interrupting the date nights (basically always).

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And it gets better, after accidentally saying ‘yes’ to a ‘proposal’ in Ateneum (yes, you read right, I blame a bit on it on Universe and more to the fact that if someone is talking in language I don’t know I tend to say ‘yes’ in that language, even when I have no clue what the other person said… Maybe I should start to learn some French) on Wednesday, I saw someone from China, or more like a Finn who is living in China and just here for the holidays. Of course I got a migraine and what happened is that she walk me home, and we chatted in a dark room… or it was more like me listening her and saying ‘mmmm’ but still it counts (I tried my best!). And I’ve missed her so much! Today I got a surprise from my friend who also happens to be my Chinese tutor (…my Chinese language skills are still limited but I’m learning), she gave me traditional Chinese cosmetics and I’m just happy I have someone who has the patience to teach me this language I really like but which I learn so slooooow. When I got back home there was a card waiting from me from my best German friend. It just put a smile on your face and yes, I would really like you to visit me soon!

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Not to forget my childhood friend who I send a message whenever I have problems to explain Finnish grammar (thanks to her I know now that there are verb types in Finnish and it makes a lot more sense to explain them in that way to someone who is learning Finnish than my answers before: ‘it just is like this….’) to somebody. Although she is also someone who knows me so well and understands me because we’ve seen together so much since well that was so long ago even I can’t remember when we first met. I wish I have chance to meet you next year in other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Not to mention the group chat with my castle mates, it was over 3 years ago when we first met in the Flat 138 in Nottingham but we still keep in touch weekly even though there are some time difference issues as everyone is in different part of the world, it still means a lot to me having you guys around. And for all of those people in China, who I dearly miss and I wish I would have that teleport to give the ‘happy holiday’ greetings and hugs. Extra special mention to the best English tutor who helped me to check my language in my thesis and to ‘my boys’ well, just because you are so great. And I’m now getting ready to pick up my sister from the central railway station as she will be visiting here for the holidays. Tomorrow we will head up ‘north’ or more precisely to ‘middle’ to one of my favourite places in the world and spend Christmas with rest of the family. This year has been confusing and life changing but I was able to finish my degree and overall stand with my own two feet’s even when there was times I would not believe it myself.

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So, I just want to shout out loud and clear how much I appreciate every single one of you! And you know who you are, I could not fit everybody into the story above but that does not mean that you are not part of the real story, the one that actually matters.

Happy Holidays everyone!

In Rainbows

I’m still dancing through November (knock on wood). Facebook has been kindly reminding (with the function that tells you; x years ago you posted this) me about albums like Kid A and Amnesiac, but I’m not in the mood for those. Although, I have to confess that when I found out that In Rainbows (FINALLY) is on Spotify, my playlist has been pretty much Radiohead on loop. At least one could view it a bit more ‘light spirited’ compared to Kid A or Amnesiac (I don’t want to disappear completely, however not sure is don’t get any big ideas, they’re not gonna happen any better?  :’D). Past autumn has been busy (as every other autumn I would say) but it is flavoured with me returning my thesis (yay, graduation is one step closer and if everything goes fine I will get that certificate end of this year… at last! what a relief). What I’ve been up to lately in Helsinki is brunches. I’m still figuring out when to do another post for coffee places (there are more than couple good ones in Kallio area), but because I happen to have footage from a really nice breakfast/brunch place I think it is better to stick to that. Plus I have no idea what else I could write about but I still feel like writing. It seemed logical to talk about KUUMA.

KUUMA is a relatively nice place in the corner of Pursimiehenkatu and Albertinkatu in Punavori (I know, am I too favourable for the places here in my hoods? But what can you do, Punavuori delivers one of the nicest restaurants and cafés in Helsinki). I heard about it from my friend (who lives btw in Espoo…) and I thought I needed a tiny yummy break from my thesis and decided to have an all-day breakfast in KUUMA (which translates in English as HOT). And just to be sure how much I like the place, I met my cousin today in there. Here are some pictures from their breakfast and yes, I can warmly recommend. What I have had is an Avocado Toast and Chia pudding with a juice and coffee (awwwww… yes.)

Million Reasons

Some odd reason relationships and commitment has been on my mind lately. It could be that there has been so many things considering these issues in my close friendships that I felt to write about this. How to make that decision to stay in a relationship? And on the other hand what tells one to exit? Every relationship looks like the ones who are in it and only those two knows exactly what is going on between them. What I’ve learned in late years is that most of the times one is too blind to see own barriers and locks that prevents the relationship to evolve. And I see this in me too, everyone has their baggage of prior relationships, heartbreaks and past.

There is always those things no one wants to hear about like timing and of course the fact that you can’t change the other person. Change oneself is hard and for some reason we often find it easier to try to change everything else in our lives but not ourselves. What makes us turn our head away from ourselves? What is the distraction and why it is so much ‘easier’ to see mistakes in others? Loving oneself with whole heart is challenging, because we tend to push things that threatens our world view to subconscious. Therefore we don’t have to deal with those thoughts and same time we easily strengthen those old thoughts and ideas we have about ourselves. This creates dissonance within, because we change and evolve but if we close our eyes from that change we live and stay in life that fit previous versions of ourselves. Which could led into situation when you have everything you ever wish for but it seems that something is off.

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It is hard to look back at that map and compass and decide to go to south when you have traveled to north east for years, especially when you know there is storm you have to go through if you change your direction. I thought if I just throw that anchor into water and stay for a while, I would find that place that is meant to me. Just to notice that being still would not make me happy, that I would need to take that leap and travel to south, even when it didn’t seem to be rational at all. Waiting for something to happen is painful and draining, sometimes only option is to lift up that anchor from the sea and continue. Let go of those thoughts of what could have been and take the chance to access something new. But making that decision to move on is one of the hardest things to do. Even when you know that this is what I have to do to keep that fire inside me live, it is hard to let go when love is involved…will it always come down to love? And is it that paradox of love that makes it hard for us to stay or go?

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Coffee & Helsinki pt.2

So, after having my first V60 on Saturday (of course at Kaffa) I think it is a good time to write more about Cafés in Helsinki. Next three is going to be from city center area and not in any particular order once again. First Johan & Nyström Coffee. Located in idyllic Katajanokka with a sea view and warm welcoming atmosphere topped up with nice coffee, not more you can ask for? I think I mentioned earlier, my usually ‘to go’ –drink is Latte which is served in nice glass mugs and there are some little treats you can choose to go with coffee if you feel like it. Menu for all the coffee possibilities is projected into a wall and there are plenty to choose from. Similarly to Kaffa you can buy all the necessary accessories to make your coffee also at home and staff is helpful if you need assistance. But for me, it is the atmosphere in here which comes from the location and interior design that makes me go back for coffee in here. Often if I’m showing Helsinki to someone I take them here. Below picture from last summer showing that awesome view and cafe heart I got last time when I visited the shop. How to get here? Easiest way is to take a tram to Senate Square and walk from there to the shop.

Second place is the newest addition to coffee places I’ve visited in Helsinki called Mad Possum. Due to the years in China I like my coffee hot (usually other beverages too like warm water, tea…even during summer time), nonetheless temperature outside. But after walking for a whole day I stepped out of my routines and tasted iced latte. And yes, it was a good choice. You know those times you have to choose what are you going to have and you slightly want to try something new but end up disappointed? This time there were no disappointment in the air, my latte had excellent taste. Besides the iced latte I heard nice reviews of Espresso that my friends were having. Place is small, by square meters it is most likely one of the smallest places I’ve visited in Helsinki. In this case that is not a problem, it separates Mad Possum from other places and creates certain feeling to the place. Once again staff is more than helpful and if you feel like chatting for a longer or not at all there is a room for both. Located near Senate Square in Vironkatu in Kruunuhaka, easiest way to get there is by taking a tram to Kaisaniemenpuisto (trams 3, 6, 6T or 9) or Kansallisarkisto (trams 1A or 7B). Because place is small and I have some issues photographing in places where I could accidentally harass someone’s chilling I only have picture from the outside.

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And last is La Torrefazione, this is located in da spot. Meaning that it is always busy and it is next to Stockmann (oldest and biggest department store in Helsinki). I would recommend this place, if you are a bit hungry but same time would feel like having a coffee. La Torrefazione serves really nice menu of Ciabattas and cakes if you feel like something sweet (also vegan choices, yay!). I would say compared to other two option this is more like a café in a traditional sense where you would just order and move to eat what you wanted in a table you choose (or in this case you take a table that is free). Therefore it would not give so much choices in terms of if you want to know more about the coffee you’re drinking or you feel like chatting with the barista (I’ve never been in here and not seeing a queue to the counter). But it is located in a really good spot and compared to other chain cafés it serves quality coffee (using Kaffa’s beans see my first post on Coffee and Helsinki) and nice range of other beverages and things to eat. It is easy to walk from Central Railway station or Kamppi to La Torrefazione, but if you feel like taking public transportation take a tram to Alekstanterinkatu (trams 2, 4, 5 or 7B).

 

As a bonus, El Fante which is a coffe&wine bar, therefore anytime you feel like having some wine or coffee El Fante is a good choice. Serving Good Life Coffee (I will introduce Good Life Coffee in third Coffee & Helsinki post from Cafes in Kallio area) and located just couple steps from Senate Square it is a good place to visit while sight seeing Helsinki. Link to the map: https://goo.gl/maps/e7VcqrZY5kv

Moderat

I usually don’t like to talk about my experiences in first hand. It seems, well too close like I would reveal too much of myself. I write about my life but there is always certain filters or I write it in a wider perspective that only relates to my life. But Sunday nights experience was something different. There is a certain euphoria to music and I’m just experiencing that for a third day in a row after Moderat’s live gig I saw on Sunday in Helsinki. And I was expecting a lot, it didn’t help that my friend put some gas into fire before the gig and described last live sets he saw with a words that doubled that critical mind of mine with expectations.

1733040772Usually expectations are bad, they ruin everything. It is Russian roulette where you wish that you would not get that bullet. Therefore I try not to expect, life is simpler that way. But for Moderat I just couldn’t do it, too much emotional baggage loaded into every beat, melody or a pause. Little did I know when I found Rusty Nails from my friend’s playlist in 2013 that it would be one of the biggest treasures for that year to carry along with me. And when I heard the first beats of Rusty Nails on Sunday, that extended version topped up with visuals and extremely talented playing I just felt small. Actually I felt small for the whole 2h gig, it is almost impossible to find something that is so well thought and executed with level of perfection with edge that keeps it still real, tangible and close. But all of that just happened and when everyone else was able to at least burst into some kind of a words after the gig my best ‘sentence’ to come up was ‘that was solid’. And I’m still in it, there are only few things that makes me tickle more than that post euphoric feeling after a live music, especially after a live show that strikes and pokes the right way.

And when it pokes it is just a nanosecond and you are on a time travel. When I was little one of my main concerns were, how it would be in space? If I would just be there, flow in there, how it would feel? Not sure would space feel like that time traveling I experienced on Sunday but I think I was flowing. It is that feeling when you just fall into music, and it just moves through you and you completely forget place and time. There it was and I was stunned, you expect but when something goes beyond your expectations, well you’re in post-traumatic shock. And I think I’m still in it, shock I mean. Music, when it is not pretending to be anything, it becomes everything. And that is rare to find.

I have only one pic from the venue, which was taken before the show started. So for this time, I will spice this post with some tracks from Moderat.

 

Coffee & Helsinki pt. 1

So, where to get your coffee in Helsinki? That would be quite hard questions because there are so many good places in here. What I warmly recommend is to leave Starbucks for the airport and dive nicely and smoothly into world of beans and roasters in Helsinki area. These would not be in particular order but first comes my local coffee place which happens to be (lucky me!) Kaffa. Located in the heart of Helsinki, Punavuori (I might be a bit biased with this opinion but let it be) serving everything from, well they have pretty much all possible variations of coffee so name it, they most likely have it. I happen to be a latte girl, so my order is usually pretty simple! Though at some points I do take latte with oat milk, which is an excellent choice also for someone who could not drink dairy products. But why Kaffa then? Well, they have really nice, helpful and professional baristas who make sure that your coffee is made as it is supposed to be made. All of their beans are locally roasted, which means that you are able to choose from couple different blends and therefore have a say in the taste of your coffee. Relaxed atmosphere with possibility to get those cheese croissants (they are just wonderful) and location. Shop is right next to coast, which is lovely during at least summer and autumn time (I might re-phrase this when winter is here…). How to get there? It is relatively easy to go to Kaffa, during weekdays you just take a tram 1A to Telakkakatu stop and you just land there. There is also bus stop Perämiehenkatu for bus n. 14 only a block away from the shop or just a 15min walk from city centre.

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Mood Coffee in Ullanlinna. Similar to Kaffa it is easy to get in to Mood Coffee, 15min walk from centre or tram 10 to Tarkk’ampujankatu and there it is. Okay, so I had a coffee date with my friend on a sunny summer day, we walked in and I went to the counter and said ‘one latte’ (bear in mind this is considered normal in Finland… no rudeness or anything) to my surprise barista asks ‘Hey, how are you doing?’ ‘I’m like, hmmm … one latte’ I get answer back ‘let’s try again, how are you doing?’ I got into Finnish denial of do I have to answer?! Most likely looking like well shocked. After moments of (for me it felt like minutes most likely it was couple seconds) digesting this question, I got an idea to actually answer and well I was good, sun shining camera on my other hand and good friend in other. There are not much more you can ask for (well coffee!!). When it comes to speaking Finnish I just work such a different way than when speaking English and such a normal question in English makes me freeze in Finnish. But back to Coffee, I’m really disappointed if I don’t have that picture on top of my latte. But as my good friend said once when I was more than disappointed of look of the coffee that this picture here is modern art. And I was like, I’ll try to appreciate it! When it comes to my Latte in Mood… well I got a SWAN! So, besides the fact that I really liked the coffee itself, I must say that this is still one of my favourite pictures of those I have had in my coffees. Atmosphere in Mood is Scandinavian, interior design is really industrial with clear and graphic lines. It is nice place to stop by but if you’re looking for a place to ‘hang out’ or this certain type of cosiness this would not be the first choice. There are more ‘you just entered into a living room’ –places in Helsinki. But it is a bit of a change compared to other places around the area. And yes, below picture of the Swan (singing Swan Lake in her head’).

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Well, I first thought I would make all of these into one post but I really can’t make it without writing a novel. Therefore, I came to conclusion to separate the posts by area. Third but not least is Kokko. Located also in Punavuori, but closer to the center. Place is only 5-10 min walk from Kamppi. Kokko serves a really good raw and vegan cakes, like they’re super good. I will warmly recommend the place even when you would be skeptical of words ‘raw and vegan’, it is definitely worth it. Besides that there is nice coffee, like in all of the places Kokko has nice, professional staff spiced up with great design. Here design is opposite to Mood. They have different looking chairs and tables mixed with traditional rag rugs on floor. Really nice, small place to meet with a friend or work a bit while enjoying some coffee and cake.

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Because I happen to live in Punavuori area, there are more than these three I would like to recommend, so here are also additional tips for places to try:

Brooklyn Coffee, best bagels in town and really good muffins! Located in Viiskulma you can get here by Tram 3 or with buses 14 and 18. Link to the map: https://goo.gl/maps/hKtcXap2Dh12

Cafe Kuppi & Muffini similar to Kokko, but serving cupcakes and sandwiches. Located near Kamppi. Similar cosiness than in Kokko. Link to the map: https://goo.gl/maps/ipW68uFqTf32

Il Birrifico well…. not exactly a coffee place but if you’re in a situation where one person of the group is hungry, another one wants coffee and then there is someone who would like to have a beer. You could not go wrong by choosing to enter Il Birrifico at that point. One of my favourite places in Helsinki, you should add this into a list of ‘where to eat in Helsinki’ also. Located in Fredrikinkatu, tram 3 to Iso Robertinkatu and a 2 minute walk. Link to the map: https://goo.gl/maps/v2cWJrBr5CE2

 

 

Elastic Heart

First three pics are from coast of Arabia and last one is from Hietaniemi Square, Helsinki. There is a post coming up of Helsinki, but I just needed to get this post out of my chest first!

Funny how Universe works, you think you’re the same person until something triggers you back to times before and you notice that you’re in completely different chapter in your life. There I was, standing on my two feet steady on the ground and I just knew, I just knew first time in a long time that I had changed and for most of the parts better. It affects us, people I mean. Sometimes you wish you would just vanish parts of memories but in the end every emotion has a purpose. For me it was to seek myself from deep waters, because I completely lost myself in my early twenties. I had no clue who I was, I was so used to please that I felt like an elastic band always finding my way around or stretched to maximum without noticing how it made me feel. And it didn’t make me feel good at all. There I was same time following my dreams and I put so much pressure on myself because I had to feel ‘good’ ‘happy’ because this was what I wanted to do with my life, right?! But still I would find myself crying to sleep, feeling drained and somehow I could not figure out, why?

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It was my growing pains to understand what it means to enjoy your time alone vs. being lonely. And I tasted the lonely part, for the first time in my life I didn’t know who to call or where to go when I needed support. I learned dark side of traveling and for me it was those moments where I had to solely rely on myself, when I just wanted to share that moment with someone else. It is tough to make it by yourself and I’ve always been that person who makes things looks easy. Only those who are really close to me see that vulnerable and highly sensitive part of me. It is not in my nature to do things alone, well not most of the time. I’ve always been that person who gets energy being with other people. But I learned to be alone, I learned that when I stop for a moment I’m able to find that reflection time I need. Time to listen myself, make decisions that I want to do. My passion for writing and reading became one of those things I would rely, one of those things that could make me sparkle even when at some points I felt that all the sparkle is gone inside of me.

Somehow it is that upcoming autumn and my birthday that makes me always wonder about my life. But before I looked back, now I feel like it is time to look forward and find that time for myself in this moment. I’m finally ready to turn that page, or I think it happened already but I didn’t noticed until it was right on my face. And boy, that feels good! There is still more than 100000 things I’m puzzled about, I still don’t know what or who I am, but I know myself a bit better. I know a little bit better how to listen to myself but I think that adventure into one self is a lifelong challenge and I’ve just getting started with exploring. So, here I am as someone I never thought I would become when I was little. I’m actually further than I ever imagined I would be. If I could go back 10 years, I would tell that 17 year old young woman to trust herself and her capabilities more and remind her that it is OK to feel confused, it is part of growing. And foremost, that it is not her job to take care of others feelings, most important lesson is to find that thin line where you take responsibility of your own feelings and actions. Because then you apology and forgive when you are supposed to (for yourself and others) and you know yourself, you love yourself enough to base your judgement and decisions on that love. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and as you choose to love your partner, family and friends you can choose to love yourself every morning.

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Phoenix

I was on my way to countryside, that same place I’ve visited since I was born. There is always certain feeling to that place, it gives me time to just rest. But this time was somehow different, it was first time in years when I didn’t feel anxiety at all. Sometimes you get your heart so broken that you lost yourself in that process and you search cure from wrong places, you hurt yourself even when you think you’re moving forwards. This place just holds me a special meaning, even in dreams it relates to safe haven for me. If I need to run away from something or someone and I need to find a safe place, I find myself often in this familiar scenery. Nature is just right there, it hugs you, welcomes you and same time makes sure that you leave everything else behind.

After this weekend I feel like a Phoenix who would have risen from the ashes and is flying again. Everything is same, but same time all has changed and all the confusion is starting to make sense. Pieces are finally falling into right places for this moment, but same time I can look to my future with confidence and to my past with glasses that makes all my decisions clear and tied to my experience in that particular moment. And I know now better, which actually put smile on my face, a big one. One of those smiles that makes you almost want to cry because you know you survived of something you think you could never get through. Something that you think would haunt you for the rest of your life but then all of a sudden you notice that is not the case anymore. So, how this world looks for me? Find out from the pics placed under.

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