Meaning of Nothingness

It is somehow hard to put my mind anywhere, it feels like I would be here, now, but what does it mean? Absence of meaning makes it hard to make decisions. Sense of nothingness, overall idea that we would really have some say in our lives, but I feel powerless facing the faceless. It lurks in every aspect of my being, nothing really doesn’t matter. Matter itself, this ideal that there is meaning for us in here. If there is, I’ve lost it and it seems that I can’t find it. What gives us meaning?

830394448I typed the question into my browser and pressed search, waiting for an answer ’42’ to appear in my screen. It is just a number, piece of data, meaningless without understanding how it is created. Is it same with our lives, are we too anxious to look at KPIs that we set for ourselves? ‘Meaning of it all, exceeding the expectations!’ We focus so much on the outcomes that we forget, what it is that actually creates those numbers. What is worth of a spreadsheet of numbers if you don’t know how you collected and created the data in the spreadsheet? Is it really our purpose to have this run-race for everything, measuring what we are in the face of society in this competition conducted by something invisible. And most of the time we are blind to even notice that we are once again on that race horse. Or were we ever off it?

1100035931Blind to notice, but what is it then we are suppose to notice? I’m struggling a lot with the idea of ‘knowing what I want’ and I wonder…’where to get the answer, silly thought to think the answer knows where to go‘, what kind of picture I’m creating, how is all of this supposed to tied up to a story? My story, it seems that I don’t own it, I’m just moving along with time, without understanding or noticing the underlying active network, which is shaping my life.

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Pics are from Copenhagen from past few months.

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Sunrise

One of those little moments of despair, which turn out to be something brilliant, beautiful and stunning at the same time. You feel the wind against your face, your hair flying in the air like birds flying to the south at this time of the year. There is nothing that calms me down as ocean, the sound of it, how it hits the rocks. The size, how it is same time so overwhelming but present, its movements feel so throughout but same time unpredictable, just like life. And they say, it’s always darkest before the dawn, and when those colours of the dawn hit the sky, like a Monet’s painting, one feels so small. Every inch of my body wanted to just stay in that spot. In that spot, where you just breath in, breath out and wish that you would remember how it feels like to be present in a moment, after seconds when beauty of the sunrise has moved away and day takes its power back:

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Pictures are from Amager Strandpark, Copenhagen

Why so serious? It is 28 o’clock!

28 o’clock and as I’m getting back on track or more precise on that motorcycle that I’ve left in my garage a while a back. So, I’m going to change that scooter I’ve been driving steadily this year back to multitasking University and work combo. I’ve been relatively quiet about the fact that I’m starting studies soon again. I was accepted to Masters this spring and besides continuing rocking with AdWords I will start lectures again too. All these autumn colours and weather forecast anticipates also that birthday is knocking on my door. And I’m opening that door with a confusion and big smile on. Smile, well because what else (Caaaaaaaaake)? Confusion, well because that is what I am nowadays. Confusing but same time happy (most of the time). I went through pics from Bologna and I found this quote from Dali Experience:

‘What is important is to spread confusion not eliminate it.’

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This just kind of supported me to spread that confusion around me a bit more. Although I think Universe has also put its joker on a table or maybe I’m wrong with that and it might have been only 2 cents. Anyhow I’m looking forward end of this year with an excitement and curiosity. Additionally I’m trying to find a new tone for myself when it comes to writing. I think there is a bit of my spark missing from the texts and I’m looking for to find a way to bring it back into photos and/or writing. So, what to expect? Most likely me spreading same amount of confusion as before in my text with pictures of places I’ve been to (I’m in a process of getting new lens for my Nikon so that could shift a bit of my focus in photography).

Pictures are from Bologna, Paris and Copenhagen

Wild West

Hello, from the lonely writer’s island. I’m looking at that blank space on my computer screen, trying to find some words to describe anything. Lately I’ve end up with questions, numerous questions but I can’t come up with other content. I feel like there would be so much to say but at the same time there is none. Calm before storm? Am I just over it? I’m wondering. What if there is only certain amount of words one could use and my bank is empty. Mostly, it just feels like I’m stuck in the same old pattern, like I would be repeating myself again, again and again. How much one needs to push before change can happen? I have glimpse of a memory how it felt like, when you feel the need to write. Without thinking, without forced effort.

I miss it, I miss that feeling to just describe life. Maybe it is more than that, I miss feeling, touching, experiencing, being curious, laugh wholeheartedly. Stableness, I don’t understand it. It is unfamiliar to me and when I try to live in that world, first thing in my mind is just to take off like a storm. My comfort zone is in change, not because it would be easy but it keeps mind busy. But being stable in one place, I’m so afraid that I will miss something. We have only one life, what if I don’t have time to see it all? I end up with yes –syndrome, because every no, is a no in my eyes for a possible greatness. This is why I struggle to say no, even at moments my intuition is screaming no.

So, here I am sitting on my bed wishing to find that lost flow. In that life I wanted, what I wished for but I still struggle. I’m independent to a fault, because it is all I’ve ever known. So, how do you make zebra’s stripes vanish? How do you mild the fire for exploring? Or do you just put more fuel into the fire and let that passion for exploring flow stronger than ever before?

Pictures are from Christiania, Copenhagen.

Paris & Wondering Heart

Paris was stunning, just like I remembered. It was magical to see 14th of July celebration in France. We started evening with picnic (including some cheese, crackers and champagne) and made our move to Champ De Mars afterwards. I remember Eiffel Tower’s surroundings quite well from 2013 when I first visited Paris. Back then I was amazed of it all but there was something special this time around. We walked whole day in a perfect weather from alley to alley and I had camera glued to me. You know, one of those moments you share with someone and you think still after days and weeks; were we actually there? Was it real? One of the best things about traveling is to experience something new, something that is different from what you are used to. 14th of July this year included the best parts of traveling and sharing it all with a good friend. Not much more you can ask for a memory?

First things first, you know that you speak Finnish on a ‘fast mode’ when security person asks: are you from Italy? This happened when we entered Champ De Mars. In Finland Independence Day celebration is devoted and quiet. It is about getting together, eating well, burning two candles and watching president shaking hands with people. Although, one factor could be that this day is in December, which of course makes it a tap too cold season to celebrate outside in our levels (and I do love the way we celebrate Independence Day). Which in contrast made Paris experience so special, because setting, weather and atmosphere were so divergence from Finnish way. Luckily I had someone with me to translate everything, it does make a difference to have someone with you that understands the local language. And well, those fireworks were stunning:

I’ve been thinking what it is with traveling, why do I love it? And I haven’t find the answer to that question yet but what I’ve come peace with lately is my wondering heart. My wondering heart is still exploring and it might continue this wondering for the rest of my life. But what is different now is that I’m starting to accept this, I’m on a process where I can accept that I don’t know where I see myself settling down. Accept that I don’t know where my place is. But I will keep wondering, I will keep exploring and maybe one day I notice I’m right there where I’m supposed to be. But before that, I will go back to memory land and post some pics from Paris ❤

Sensation

I decided few weeks back to take another look on Sex and the City, it was almost decade from the last time I watched all the episodes. Besides ‘oh dear, I understand all of this so much better than 10 years ago’ –phrases I was telling to everyone I had social contact with, it got me thinking love and relationships. When it comes to end of the series Carrie defines love as follows:

‘I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’

How our society defines love? What is love? And most importantly, is love inconvenient and consuming? What I have find difficult in past years is; how to define love. I can tell more than dozens of things that are not love but does it take me closer to essence of love or will these descriptions reduce my ability to understand the concept. Above quote in my reality describes feeling called ‘falling in love’ rather than love itself. Consuming reflects to something that will take away, something that will wear out and what is left after? If love would be inconvenient and consuming, in the end would all of us be just drained out from juice. Waiting for a refill and if we don’t get it, how it would left us feel? And more importantly, what extend we would be willing to go to get that refill? When we are looking for something, we have clear image of what it is supposed to be. Are we then just making expectations on how that special someone should behave in all situations and when that person does not act according to that box we have created for them, are we then putting a label ‘not love’ on it without hesitation?

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Are we looking for answers from outer world, when in reality we should look inwards? That feeling of sensation; ‘I need you and can’t live without you’ to hinder our inner conflicts. Like we would wait someone to make us sane in a world that most of the time seems insane to us. In a way pushing responsibility of our own life into hands of someone else, waiting for Prince Charm to fight his way through us and giving us sense of reason by waking us up with a kiss. Or the other way around, fighting and chasing our way to the princess like a price that is to be win in a race. But on the other side of the spectrum, are we able to love (romantically speaking) without first falling in love? And how do we survive from that transition of falling in love to love. And if some of us are capable to do that, why it is so? And what kind of traits we should have to understand the difference and importance of this transition. And if we are to keep sexuality in relationship after the falling part should we make clearer distinction between love and lust? Because in falling in love these two are inseparable but does love include lust? Or are these separate entities which are triggered by different algorithm? And if so, is the magic trick to keep both of these entities alive to create a long lasting satisfying relationship? Even though it would never have the same sensation of sameness that is linked to falling in love.

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Pics are from Arken Museum of Modern Art, I highly recommend if you’re visiting CPH

Where to get your coffee in Copenhagen?

If you wonder the same question while visiting Helsinki ❤ check my previous posts pt.1 and pt.2 There are few other places that aren’t mention in these posts in Kallio area but Good Life Coffee and Bergga are definitely places to visit in that neighbourhood.

I think I’ve had enough experience of drinking coffee here in Copenhagen, so I decided it is time to give some feedback and suggestions, where here in the land of bikes you should get coffee. Following cafes are not in particular order, I don’t have yet the ‘place’ in here, in Helsinki without hesitation it is Kaffa:

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Coffee Collective

So, my first introduction to Danish coffee was in Coffee Collectives Torvehallerne shop. In general Torvehallerne is a great place to find food and drinks, it also has inside of its big heart one of my favourite sushi places in town; Sushi Lovers. Therefore, if you don’t fancy coffee as much as I do, for a food lover too Torvehallerne is a great place to visit during Copenhagen adventure. Located in the centre of Norreport it is easy to access with public transportation (buses, metro, S-train, long distance trains). Back to business of coffee, Coffee Collective is a feel good coffee.

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What do I mean with this? First of all, they have clearly thought about their brand and baristas actually know what they are doing. Which means that you’re almost guaranteed to have nice cup of coffee. Their intention is to serve you a nice moment with amazing drink but at the same time; they are a roastery and they clearly communicate their mission and values towards origin of their beans and farmers and people behind them. This is one of the reason why I like small roasteries because they often visit the farms to ensure quality of their product and conditions of workers.

What I miss in Coffee Collective, which Kaffa is doing really well is variation of beans and the fact that I’m most of the time offered to try new roasts. But all in all, Coffee Collective is one of the best place for a coffee in here. They have three different locations and I’ve tried them all 😀 Other two are bigger and especially Frederiksberg location is more relaxed and calmer. See map below to find your way into nearest cup of excellent coffee:

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SOCIAL is located by the lakes in Norrebro side just few steps away from Dronning Louises Bro. This is a perfect location to start your day besides good cup of coffee their breakfast is really nice. There are more than one place by the lakes but this is at the moment my favourite. Nice relaxed atmosphere welcomes you when you enter the place. If you’re lucky you might get seat on the outside on a sunny day. I haven’t been too social (pun intended)  while I’ve visited the place but I’ve enjoyed the day with a Kindle in my hand and coffee on the other one. Besides all this, place stores Frankly juices which are worth to try too. And if I get a swan on my latte I’m always happy (see the pic below) 😀 How to get there?

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Forloren Espresso

If you are in the neighbourhood and need of a nice cup of coffee Forloren Espresso is a good choice. It is a small place and at least for me it felt a bit awkward to stay in, but it could have been the day also, I wasn’t feeling too good about myself. Located near Kongens Nytorvn and therefore nearby Nyhavn, Forloren is a great place to take a break from the sightseeing. Similar to Coffee Collective I felt that baristas know what they are doing and they take the time to prepare your coffee in a way it is supposed to be made.

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As a bonus Democratic Coffee next to Copenhagen main library:

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Any place I should definitely visit in Copenhagen for a coffee? I’m always up for a new adventures and a damn fine cup of coffee 😉

Shame on you!

Shame on you. Have I ever thought what this actually means? After finishing Brené Brown’s I thought it was just me, a book about shame I felt like someone would have hit me with a glass of ice cold water. I knew that this book would probably be a good read, what I was not expecting was how concept of shame was presented in the book. Do you know that feeling of being wired wrong? Like there would be something broken within you which can’t be fixed? That is a shame, right there making its special delivery of greetings just for you. What I didn’t realise before was the distinction of shame and guilt. I’ve been fairly keen on mapping them into same category, like they would be equal, same. But what it is then that separates these two? Well, it is the way of viewing of situations, if you wear shame glasses it looks like you, as a person and human being are alone in this world and only one wired wrong. You would always be an ounce less human than the others. Guilt on the other hand would cover feeling that one of your actions are wrong. Your action is the problem, not what or who you are. Guilt makes us apology and change our behaviour. Shame on the other hand is harder feeling to deal with, most of the time we would run away from it like a Usain Bolt runs 100m or try to avoid it with any cause; blaming others or hindering it with addiction just to name a few. What all of this then means in our lives?

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At least for me it gave a name for this feeling of falling from a cliff and not knowing when I will hit the bottom. I’ve been struggling with that sense of nothingness in me, something that would hit me with no reason (or more likely with no rational reason) at all, something that left me always feel like ‘I’m the only person who feels like this or I’m just a terrible human being’. I got a tool to look at this feeling with different gadget than before, not thorough shame but through glasses of understanding. Could I be capable to show myself the same compassion and empathy I can show to others? This would be the hot key or potato to deal with (and certainly not the first or last time I’m exploring roots of this idea). It is not so much the concept of being emphatic, loving and compassionate person towards yourself it is the action itself that seems to be the tough part. It is like learning a new skill; first you will make a lot of mistakes but more your practice, better you become but still even though you’ve mastered the skill there would be mistakes every here now and then, because we are humans and as capable we are, we make mistakes, it is part of our nature.

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Why it is so much easier to remember the human factor when dealing with others? But for oneself it is so hard? It is like writing a script for ‘robot me’ and then pressing ‘play’ just to find out that there is always things happening when the show starts that you can’t anticipate beforehand, making the play look more like a human trying to act like a robot. That sounds more of a sitcom rather than a perfectly executed drama to me. It is that idea of perfectionism that haunts me, I know that life is a sitcom, perfectly executed drama just can’t touch that feeling of leaving office on a Friday and by the time you are on a way to metro station you spot an interesting news article on a social media and decide to read it on a go. Of course you get so into it that you would not notice the crack on a pavement and boom you find yourself lying on a street happy about the fact that nothing is broken (and by this I mean also the phone) and you’re still alive and kicking. Robot would have just avoid the crack and this incident would have never happened, not a sitcom material.

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Why do we then keep telling ourselves and others to feel ashamed of ourselves? If we know that these feelings are not going to help us anywhere. Should we take another perspective into this whole matter and try to learn ways to prevent this approach. Should we first take a glance at ourselves, learn to understand ourselves better. Look back at that feeling, maybe even afterwards, why did I react this way? But looking back with curiosity of knowing not with punishment of being less human than the others. Maybe then we understand what went wrong and instead of punishing our whole existence, we might make the change that we need rather than taking the nearest exit to avoid the feeling.

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Pics are from lovely Copenhagen ❤

Fear

Last weekend I was visiting Bologna, Italy and while enjoying the food (usually one would add weather too, but it was raining for four days 😀 like cats and dogs) and company of my beloved friend we ended up talking also a lot about fear.

1970833093There is a certain amount of not so nice words clouding around the word. It is also a powerful force over others, if you create and spread fear it will most likely grow. But how do we deal with it? What it is exactly we fear? Often it is said it is new or unfamiliar that gets into our guts. But is that true? Is it really the new we fear or old coming to an end? Nonetheless the situation, it is always hard to let go of old; good, neutral or bad. As life per usual there is no incident that would not mix all of these shades together. End result is always grey even though we would view world in that particular moment white or black. This is a plot twist we could easily forget when we are dealing with life. Although when one has seen that things can change but one can never be sure in that exact moment that things will ever be as they are; they could turn out to be anything. It is the instability of life that makes it same time so damn hard to cope with but at the same time such a blossoming experience, because everything could change in a heartbeat.

288169578More years I’ve gotten under my belt, more complex world has changed to me but at the same time life has transferred simpler for myself. I’m not sure is this due to this life long journey into oneself.  You try to find that balance inside and learn to showcase love above all towards yourself so that one day you will be able to fully demonstrate it towards everyone else. Same time you learn that there is no such thing as objectivity, all situations are related to subjectivity therefore it is hard to sometimes understand others behaviour because they are not in line with our reality, which of course is subject to our inner world and has nothing to do with objectivity (same time it gives an answer, not towards certain behaviour but answer that makes it easier to let go of not understanding).

960640284It is like this text, it is my subjective idea of whatever the topic is in here and one who reads this will interpret that against their reality. My inner reality looks most likely a lot different than yours, so are we on a same page? Or even reading same book? We would not know because our journeys looks so different, our experiences has an effect on us and as much as we work with ourselves, as much as we try to be objective we might never reach level of pure objectivity (I don’t want to say never, it is too final, end, omega, dot too ultimate). But it does not mean we should not try to be objective or that we should always be objective. We should be aware of the effects that might alter our reality, so in certain moments we won’t repeat our lives like auto pilots.

1129662413It is a huge burden placed on others if we expect them to prove our own prejudices wrong, especially if we look every single detail on that new person with a glasses someone else in our past made for us. It will tell more about that person in our past rather than the new person we are getting to know. But more importantly it might make us see others in a wrong light, not because they would be anything like that person in our past but because of something in that moment reminds us from our prior life. In those situations, are we supposed to trust our instinct? Is our instinct right? Or is our instinct actually moving us further away from something we actual need because of fear?

Pics are from Bologna, Italy

Seagull

I think it is safe to say spring 2017 is here according to the happenings of yesterday. It all started at 7pm when I met one of my colleagues in Nørreport before we walked to the Illum rooftop terrace (last part of that journey we used a lift). I was a tap early so as I stayed in sun for a while before the day turned into night I saw first public act of procedure you usually do in the toilets this year. Definitely sign that the weather is indeed getting warmer this was followed with a group of guys with bikes, beer and some imitations of a singing, or I think it was actual singing, but for sure if the birds started their singing lessons already few weeks back I think our race is following slow but steadily into the same tunes. I already dared the weather before I left the house and decided that it is time for leather jacket and heels and I survived so that adds on to this ‘Spring 2017 here now’ list.

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I think terrace is already giving some hints of the lovely breeze of summer that is around the corner. There I was, watching Christiansborg palace when it was bathing in last sparks of the sunset. At that moment I saw a seagull flying towards our table…and in those few seconds I had time to think before this creature would fly over, I  had a thought that this is not looking good at all… and in that moment I just hear ‘splash’ and there it was, in the middle of the menu I was reading; a white pod 😀 I’m not sure where this seagull wanted to aim, so giving score on how well this duty went would not make sense as I don’t know the background of this mission. In any case, we were having sort of a farewell party for few of my colleagues and this menu was from Italian restaurant (Rossopomodoro: recommendation if you want a view, nice food and drinks) and as lucky I was to have the package to land on the menu, apparently it is also sign for a good luck. This warmed my heart when our waitress told this while picking up the not so neat menu… Yesterday’s signs were pointing at spring quite heavily one could say.

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So, besides this awesomeness of spring being here and me being extra excited about it, I will also share few pics from Louisiana Museum of Modern Art which is a place you should definitely go if you’re visiting Copenhagen! I try to come up with a post of the museums in here after I’ve checked few more of them but Louisiana stole my heart and I’m now happily owning a one year card in there.

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