你不是真正的快樂 – You are not really happy

I’m standing still and I can feel the warm breeze coming towards me. I’m awfully calm, which has not been my trademark before but somehow now, in this moment I am. Jumping into a new adventure, figuring out how to make all the arrangements but it is coming, no it is not winter but something new. It was not long while ago when I sent a text to my friend saying ‘I know international career has always been my dream, but what if I’m just not meant to do it’. Because I felt that I should just leave it, I don’t know even why but in a moment of despair you say things aloud. In those cold and muddy waters, it is easy to question everything and mostly question one’s existence.

Past couple of years I’ve tried to really find who I am. It has been a roller-coaster, which has been mentally really exhausting. Jumping from the best moments in my life into black hole and back, where everyday is like riding in a taxi in Shenzhen = you never know what line the taxi will take next, where the cab is going to turn what speed it will go and is it steady or a bumpy ride. I’ve always been happy person, but there has been awful lot of moments in recent years where I had to go behind my smile. Moments where I felt I wanted to just stop being, hide from the world. I don’t even know where I found at some points the energy to force myself to move forward, but I did. It was a sudden moment this January where I caught myself smiling, not because there were specifically something that I should smile about. It was just the fact that I felt good in my life, in my ordinary life.

Today, I was sitting in my favourite café in Helsinki (Kaffa). I have tradition to start my Saturday’s in there with Café Latte and cheese croissant, while I read and write my journal (I’m reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Americanah at the moment, warm recommendation). All of a sudden speakers started to play Adele’s Hometown Glory. I’ve learned to love Helsinki, listening this song while knowingly drinking one of the last Latte’s in that café for a while created a new kind of atmosphere, which I haven’t experienced before. I will miss Helsinki and more precisely I will miss the life I had in Helsinki. But at the same time, I feel the eagerness inside of me to move to my next episode.

It is inside me, this thirst to see and experience new, see the world. Nonetheless my longing for freedom, this time leaving Finland will be different than before. This time, I had made a decision in a place and mindset where I was feeling good about my life. Couple years back if I would have gotten the opportunity I got a week ago, I would have packed my bags in that minute and leave. That was me then, now I actually used days (yes, this is a long time for me to make a decision :D) to come up with my conclusion. It was one day last week, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I jump up in my bed and my first thought was ‘Copenhagen’, which kind of sealed the decision.

So, Copenhagen, Denmark I’m ready for my next adventure.

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