Reminder

I was running around trying to catch something. When I finally got a glimpse of it I had forgotten what I was chasing for and all of a sudden I was in forest, which is same time so familiar and comfortable but at the same time, so enormous, something I’ve never discovered. Standing right in the middle of it, trying to figure out how I got there, but it is more than that. The stop, realisation of standing still and my past starts to paint into pictures and somehow meaningful journey. I start to understand what I was, who I was but who am I now? After all that has happened to me, who am I? What am I and where I am supposed to move from here? One could turn back and walk into old But most of the time going back suffocates, especially if the main drive to go back is the fear of new. Turning back and walking into old in that spot, in that forest feels as wrong as mixing perfume and meatballs. Still standing, looking into that forest and those remaining 364 possible paths to choose from.

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Back into square one, who am I? And what it is that lights me up, makes me feel that I am alive? Isn’t that something I should follow, but I see the goal but path to that does not seem so clear. I can only see the forest, nothing else. In that moment everything is present, all of it is in the air but my mind just can’t get a clue where to go. So, I just stand there. Something has come to an end and it is more than obvious that every time something comes to an end, something new will come. Impatience, does that make the transformation always so hard? A story of an ugly duck, who could not see what she has become. Would I always mirror back to that little insecure girl? Or would I find a way to let myself bloom and let loose of those skeletons that are still holding me back. Transformation is coloured with vulnerability, self-doubt and determination. My whole life has been balancing act of these three qualities, or act of hiding some of them. World is more complex than an individual transformation, it is easy for a western person to fall into delusion of me, myself and I. But our whole life is decisions to communicate or not to communicate with others, and these decisions have an impact on the life we create. Our surroundings also guide us to a certain solutions and outcomes with or without we acknowledge these forces or not. Still standing.

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And I wish I had the courage. The courage to move but I can’t move my feet’s and walk into undiscovered, at least not yet. And I just keep asking myself why? What it is in this time that makes me want to stay and not to move. But at the same time there is something inside of me telling that I want to move and not to stay. It is like two parallel universes trying to combine themselves into a one burrito but these two views just repel each other creating well a huge mess. It is not that I would not find things interesting, I find almost everything interesting. But it is focus that I’m lacking and my view on things are incomplete and I feel that I’m just one big question mark. In the future I would understand better, my past would present itself more simplified way, where correlations are clearer. It is challenging to make decisions. You choose one path, it prevents you to enter another which is still available in this moment. Is it ‘too much choice?’ world? Have I created this problem all by myself? Or is it just life, is life constant decisions that moves our life to certain directions? And at the end of the day, how much say so we have into our journeys? Is there a really a way for us to choose, is there a freedom to choose? And more remarkably, do these decisions we make have an impact in our lives or is it just illusion of an impact?

 

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