Elastic Heart

First three pics are from coast of Arabia and last one is from Hietaniemi Square, Helsinki. There is a post coming up of Helsinki, but I just needed to get this post out of my chest first!

Funny how Universe works, you think you’re the same person until something triggers you back to times before and you notice that you’re in completely different chapter in your life. There I was, standing on my two feet steady on the ground and I just knew, I just knew first time in a long time that I had changed and for most of the parts better. It affects us, people I mean. Sometimes you wish you would just vanish parts of memories but in the end every emotion has a purpose. For me it was to seek myself from deep waters, because I completely lost myself in my early twenties. I had no clue who I was, I was so used to please that I felt like an elastic band always finding my way around or stretched to maximum without noticing how it made me feel. And it didn’t make me feel good at all. There I was same time following my dreams and I put so much pressure on myself because I had to feel ‘good’ ‘happy’ because this was what I wanted to do with my life, right?! But still I would find myself crying to sleep, feeling drained and somehow I could not figure out, why?

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It was my growing pains to understand what it means to enjoy your time alone vs. being lonely. And I tasted the lonely part, for the first time in my life I didn’t know who to call or where to go when I needed support. I learned dark side of traveling and for me it was those moments where I had to solely rely on myself, when I just wanted to share that moment with someone else. It is tough to make it by yourself and I’ve always been that person who makes things looks easy. Only those who are really close to me see that vulnerable and highly sensitive part of me. It is not in my nature to do things alone, well not most of the time. I’ve always been that person who gets energy being with other people. But I learned to be alone, I learned that when I stop for a moment I’m able to find that reflection time I need. Time to listen myself, make decisions that I want to do. My passion for writing and reading became one of those things I would rely, one of those things that could make me sparkle even when at some points I felt that all the sparkle is gone inside of me.

Somehow it is that upcoming autumn and my birthday that makes me always wonder about my life. But before I looked back, now I feel like it is time to look forward and find that time for myself in this moment. I’m finally ready to turn that page, or I think it happened already but I didn’t noticed until it was right on my face. And boy, that feels good! There is still more than 100000 things I’m puzzled about, I still don’t know what or who I am, but I know myself a bit better. I know a little bit better how to listen to myself but I think that adventure into one self is a lifelong challenge and I’ve just getting started with exploring. So, here I am as someone I never thought I would become when I was little. I’m actually further than I ever imagined I would be. If I could go back 10 years, I would tell that 17 year old young woman to trust herself and her capabilities more and remind her that it is OK to feel confused, it is part of growing. And foremost, that it is not her job to take care of others feelings, most important lesson is to find that thin line where you take responsibility of your own feelings and actions. Because then you apology and forgive when you are supposed to (for yourself and others) and you know yourself, you love yourself enough to base your judgement and decisions on that love. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and as you choose to love your partner, family and friends you can choose to love yourself every morning.

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