I’m here sitting by my desk, drinking that almost perfect Kaffa Latte (one of the best places to get your coffee from in Helsinki) and hope to find that missing power to finish my thesis (it is gone for today… I try tomorrow with better success I hope). I’ve been going on and off about my life this spring and seems that I can’t find a solution to that small but at the same time so big empty gap in me. It moves around, sometimes it is smaller… sometimes it feels like it will eat me alive. Like in one of those alien movies where you are not sure are you going to give a birth to an alien or actual human being (applies also to Zombie movies). And no, I’m not pregnant but for some reason this metaphor just came to my mind while I was trying to express this space inside me.
When I get too much time to think (I love thinking… but as per when I’m sick and I can’t do anything else… end result is… well I think I could put it in phrase of ‘chaotic’) which I had this week due to my migraine… try to think whilst it feels like someone is banging your head with a hammer from the inside. Very happy thoughts. I got a tap better on Tuesday, so I was able to go to my courtyard to pick some food from Foodora guy, who nicely delivered it to me (that app is going to be a disaster for my wallet… luckily I don’t spend that much time home) and spared a smile. This incident already had my lips turning from this 😦 to this 🙂 .
That moment didn’t last long so as I crawled back to my dungeon I already had that dark cloud above my head. Spending too much time home, while being sick (okay, I will add or in a hospital as it is almost 1 year anniversary of my China hospital experience) is just awful. You go round thoughts like ‘what if I would feel like this every day?’ ‘If this would be my last day, who I would call what would I do?’, yeah it is like someone would have unleashed also all those unfinished things which used to be under control and you would take them for a walk every now and then, with that clear goal in your mind (sometimes not so clear.. but almost there).‘Here I am, lying in bed when I could write thesis, do you have to be so lazy?! (as you could actually do anything else than try to concentrate on anything else than to get back to sleep)’ or how about that one thing you forgot to do on Monday at work? (Like that could not wait until next day).
Same time you try to be reasonable and caring human being towards yourself so you try to convince yourself that all that crap about not doing anything, well it is actually crap and you should just relax and get better. And just when you have that moment of falling back to sleep usually very very very quiet up stare neighbor is starting a home renovation and it feels in that mind-set that there is at least 10 tables which are so heavy that you HAVE to drag them to right place while moving happens wearing stilettos. Best place to start that conversation with yourself ‘where from now? Should I stay, or leave?’ One can just guess where that conversation was going. So, by time 7 pm on Tuesday, I was hoping that I could just get sleep, wake up on morning and just get to work and hope that migraine is long gone. It was, and I woke up happy to a sunshine and busy day at the office. Feels like I could now have that conversation about future with myself, but I think I will first enjoy my latte, write and colour my colouring book while watching Netflix.
Pics are from Helsinki, I think I need to start to plan a new trip to get pics from somewhere else than from Helsinki.