Rock n Roll Suicide

I don’t know what to write. I have no clue. No freaking clue. I’ve moved back to Finland, it is a huge change and I can’t come up with anything to write about. It could be because I’m still in a shock within this change. In a way there is so many things that reminds me about past. Like today when I was doing some cleaning and feeling a bit blue, I saw a dog having some extra fun in snow. Like going completely mental and first I smiled, but then I just broke down in tears. It was just those moments that reminds you of someone, and this particular incident reminded me of my dog. And for some reason at that time being I was listening to David Bowie’s Rock n Roll Suicide and like dozens of times before, I was crying while this tune was on. It is my go to song when I need strength. And I have no actual clue why I would need that much of strength at the moment. But for some reason I feel like I would have had huge battle and I would be so worn out of it that anything could trigger me, like a dog having blast in snow while there was one of the best days in Finland this year so far (sun shining from clear blue sky).

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So, there I was crying my heart out and trying to use vacuum cleaner at the same time. It was one of those moments I felt I just wanted to go to my bed and just broke into 100000000 pieces. Or be more specific it would not be my bed, but almost there. Everything from past is here, but same time nothing is the same. And to be more specific I’m not the same woman I was when I left Finland almost 3 years ago. But still some things feels the same, some places just makes me wonder, if I would have been able to see a bit further I would have avoid so much pain. I would have actually seen that I can survive and I will survive from a lot more than I was able to even imagine in that exact spot years ago. It is funny how everything seems so big, huge and impossible in that moment, something you could never get over. That Mount Everest you have to climb without proper gear. And somehow you always find yourself standing with your own two feet afterwards, sometimes you need your friends or family to hold you still for a while to get energy back from that trip that drawn a lot form you but still you’re standing. I think I’m standing at the moment. I wish I could feel all that energy but it is not here yet. I’m waiting that moment when I have my flat and I can just stay in for the whole day if I feel like it. When I have that place I can go to and actually undo my luggage.

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I feel like I’m still on that plane, where I made that decision to move back to Finland or crossing border to Hong Kong for a last time in a while and giving that long hug to one of my closest friends in Shenzhen. Or that goodbye the day before my flight when I run to red line in MTR as fast as I could and my friend did the same but just to catch blue line. That last night out which I almost cancelled because I thought I would not have enough people coming and in the end there were not enough space in one table for us in Futian Kitchen. My favourite sushi place in Buji where I accidentally went last day it was open. I’m living my life in Helsinki but part of me is still somewhere else and I’m not sure is that part supposed to come back to me anymore. It feels a bit like a new born, next chapter where I have to build new me. Where I have to give up on certain things to get something else into my life. It is just hard and I’m clinging into something I had in China. Even when I have everything sorted out here in Helsinki. I’m so un-balanced it feels like ceasefire inside me but I’m not used to that. I’m used to war inside me. Pulling those bigger guns into the game but now there is weird peacefulness in this moment and I have no clue how to deal with that.

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