Kristina.

Pictures are from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

I usually would avoid this topic, avoid would not actually be the right term. It would be more in terms of ‘I will not talk about this’, I could maybe answer if someone would ask… or I might just give a long look and be quiet. But I feel that I have to. This Saturday I was on my way to Houhai, as I wanted to do some shopping. I’ve been thinking a lot lately purpose of life and how to pursue those things you want from life. When I was in Taxi, my subconscious gave me a memory. Memory of you, memory that would keep coming back to me time to time. One of the last words you said to me were something in line of: ‘They say there is a purpose for every life, I just don’t know what it was for my small life’.  And it haunts me, it haunts me that I didn’t or couldn’t answer to you. I didn’t know, I don’t know yet either. I have no clue about purpose, or more precisely about any other thing in this life. What I do remember is your energy. The way you said I could do anything I would want to, even when you were laying in a hospital bed and we both ‘knew’ what you were going through.

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I remember you from long before we became work colleagues. You were older than I was and I always admired how you could speak Russian and Estonian fluently, besides Finnish. We used to work together in summer camps and I do remember already from there how you spread good around you. It was never dull with you, and I remember laughing with you, even when I saw you last times. There was ice-cream in the hospital freezer or we would just joke about small silly things. When you passed away, it felt so wrong and unfair. It was the (big) small things you wanted, it was a job in supermarket, be at home with your dog and husband and attend your mother’s birthday. It wasn’t making that huge career, tons of money or traveling around the globe. All you needed and wanted from life was in there, but there was the but that took it away. That but would be cancer.

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And when I got that message about you not being in here anymore… I remember I couldn’t get a sleep that night. And I was in pieces, even when you knew something is going to happen you always hope. There is always that hope for a miracle. For a long time I saw you everywhere streets, restaurants… even in cities you most likely never been to. Maybe you come to me when I need it, maybe when I need that courage to push my way in this world. Because that is how I remember you, always believing in me and others. Maybe it was the simplicity you understood, the simplicity of life, if you have the right perspective. So no, I can’t answer to that question, most likely I will never have answer to that. But I will remember you. I will remember, how you made me feel that I could reach my dreams. And it was only one year later after you passed away when I found myself in Birmingham, UK and my life has never been the same after.

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