Trust

Pics from Luohu Shenzhen

Sometimes you just have to put your faith into someone else’s hands. This week was one of those weeks for me, where I wondered a life a bit more than usual. As I didn’t have energy or strength to do anything else (okay, I did watch Game of Thrones and Sherlock quite many episodes also). Past Sunday started pretty much same as any other Sunday, besides I was feeling pain. So much pain that I couldn’t barely walk anymore. This indicated to me that I need to go to hospital. For a person like me, who had antibiotics last time 4 years ago this seemed challenge. I think last time in being a patient in a hospital was indeed when I was born. What were my feelings when I got into a Chinese hospital and I hear word ‘surgery’ and I was moved into inpatient block? I can tell that what I felt to do (and I did quite a lot) was to cry. So, I cried probably because of the pain but addition to that I think it was the shock. Shock of not fully understanding what was going on, and what people were actually going to do to me. So, as I changed to hospital clothes, and same time cried my eyes out of my head, nurses were able to get me into the surgery, and back to my bed. Everything seems quite blurry from that time, I do remember nurses and doctors asking from me ‘do you speak Chinese?’… That moment only thing I was able to think in my head was, why on earth I’m not fluent in Mandarin and why I haven’t found enough time to become fluent with the language. You know you should know, but you don’t. Oh, I hate that feeling… like someone would come over your shoulder ‘I told you so’. Yes, I think there have been a lot of talking about learning the language, but why I didn’t find the time to learn it?

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Everything went well, and I’m still in one piece. I’ve managed (I hope at least) to understand what happened, and how to deal with this whole situation at home. But still, I couldn’t stop wondering, how much trust you have to put on someone when you’re hospitalized. As I’m one of those persons, having the independent act going on and so used to do and handle everything by myself. What happens to a person like me, when all of a sudden I’m not in control of it all anymore? When I can’t just make the decision to move forward, or sideways or handling the issue right now, in that exact minute? Well… besides the crying which lasted quite a long time, I found myself in hospital bed wondering about life, Universe and all the other basic things from deep waters. I found myself again questioning a lot of things, which I’ve been ignoring due to ‘rush’, ‘stress’ or any other excuse that has ‘busy’ written all over it. As per usual, I couldn’t find any answers nor solutions but at least I was forced to find the time to think. And, oh yeas I did think, questioning again my life, choices and this year in general. As it was supposed to be the year of graduating and learning. I’ve found myself in different path, and fighting against obstacles I didn’t even dare to think when this year started.

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I’ve looked at myself, and my behaviour and worst part… started to question myself because there were ‘talk’ about my presence and way to handle things. I’m no way perfect, but I saw myself going back to the old trait. To that place where everything is wrong about me and I’m just the one making mistakes, and being the horrible person. I have it in my blood, I blame myself of everything, as I’m supposed to be this almighty person who always understands and reads others minds. Who always reacts in right manner, and bloody hell sets on fire if I ever say anything against on someone’s behaviour against me.

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I’ve heard an awful lot of things about me, straight to my face this year and as much I would love to be a normal person, who can just pass that torch of hate straight back to the one who gave it to me… I found myself re-evaluating those sayings against on my behaviour. This is in top of my reasons why I always try to avoid in fight to attack the other person, I’m trying to argue over the action not the person. Welcome to the real world, I guess but same time I would like to stay in that land far far away, where grass is still green and people wants good for each other nonetheless are you thinking or feeling about things same way. I would just like to hold on to that little tiny bit of me, who still believes in things that seems impossible in the light of the recent news. Maybe all I needed was a bit of trust, trust on nothing, that moment when you have no other option than to let go and hope that everything turns out OK.

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