Long time no see and other variables that have had an impact on my writing in the past 6 months. To be honest, when I’m dealing with life and obstacles I can’t really put an effort in my writing. I need time to process and even though I always hope that I would have the toolset to write whilst at the moment, I’m actually so congested with my feelings that I need to pick them apart before I’m able to express them via another outlet like writing. It could be the sun and Spring that hit the Finland past week or the fact that I made the conscious decision a while back that I will put more effort to my friendships and things that I value the most in life that has aroused this need to express my feelings. This sounds like a quote from a self-help book but what actually drove me here is two unexpected funerals in the past half a year. There is no way around death, it doesn’t look who, what and where. I could almost touch the heaviness of the feelings I was going through. You know, when you feel like your heart would all of a sudden weight 10x more than usual? You think, no way, I could ever crumble back to the ‘light-hearted’ mode.
Everything I wrote during that time felt superficial, not deep enough like my words would float but they would not sink deep in as stones sink into the water. There was this presence of heaviness, this feeling of pressure just like before a storm hits the perfect sunny day with a crystal blue sky. I could sense the fast moving clouds coming towards the skyline, soon visible. Me, standing to wait for the next storm, alone. I would try to reach out to a hand but there is no one there. I would embrace myself, I checked I’m wearing my weatherproof jacket so I can make it through the storm but still somewhere inside of me, I wondered ‘is it always going to be like this?’ All of the ponderings in the storm, however, sparked something in me that forced me to see myself in a different light. You look at your past differently, however not only because this person is not here anymore (see my post about my Godfather here) but you start to look at your whole life, decisions differently.
If I was to die tomorrow, how I would feel about my life and my decisions? This question just took me straight to my knees, eyes watered but unexpectedly I was proud of myself. My fearlessness, my need to explore, my never-ending will to learn and just trying my best to be present for my friends and family had guided through my 20s. I’m super demanding towards myself and therefore don’t always give the credit to myself when due, in the moment of such mess of emotions I understood that I’ve been living a life that looks and feels like me and I had to give the credit to myself because of it. (Side note, I understand that not everything is under my control and most of the things that happened to me are also pure good luck, privileges and just being in the right place at the right time). Death strips down all the unnecessary noise and puts you face to face with yourself. What do I value? How do I wish I would be remembered?
While trying to find the answer to the questions, you struggle with layered emotions of your own life. Longing to the one that is not here anymore. Sadness of the situation and the things that led to the death, out of your hands. Emptiness that is left after the funeral. Words that were unspoken. Words that will not come to you when you wish they would just pour from within. Going through a day ‘normally’ even though everything feels wrong. The warmness of the friends around you with whom you can share the sorrow with. Life continuing. Layered, parallel and mixed feelings trying to find an outlet at the same time.